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I'm losing the battle...

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by CaptainHope, May 30, 2018.

  1. CaptainHope

    CaptainHope New Member

    Hello all. 32 yr old male signing in, olympic weightlifter (recreational).

    Sad to say that I'm currently losing the battle with my TMS, I feel I'm being attacked from all over the place and my defenses are growing weaker and weaker.

    My TMS symptoms aren't new. Since kid I had multiple problems with skin and allergies. I was always an extremely anxious kid with lots of self-confidence issues. At 20, I began having extreme pain down my right leg. I was diagnosed a lumbar hernia on L4-L5 and, not knowing better, underwent surgery. The surgery didn't help much. At that point, in despair, I got to know the work of Dr. Sarno. By proper meditation and mindset, I could reduce the sciatica symptoms to just a mild sensation.

    I started to do olympic weightlifting, everything seemed to be going great. Two years ago, however, I started to have this weird pain on my crotch/balls. And the most weird thing: this pain started in the middle of a 3 year break from lifting! I went to an urologist that told me that he wanted to open my ball sack just to see if something was wrong, even though the ultrasounds were clean (not kidding!). Obviously I never seen him again, and as time progressed, this pain got "fixed" in my left hip (the opposite of the sciatica one). Visited an orthopedist, scanned a X-Ray. Said it was fine. Then said one leg was bigger than the other. Then a physioterapist told me I have a pubalgia. Then OTHER physioterapist told me it's anterior pelvic tilt. Then ANOTHER one told me it's arthritis. Monday I'm going to a new orthopedist to ask him to do a CT Scan/Magnetic Ressonance. I want to make sure everything is fine before advancing to a TMS approach.

    Besides this, my allergies have gotten WAY worse. I have nervous pains down my both legs and arms for no reason. I have now also regular sensations of heartburn for also no reason, I stopped quitting coffee, then acid food. Nothing helped. I now also feel bloated regularly and have flatulence for no reason. Anxiety and depression settle in. My sexual drive flutuates each time more wildly, even though I'm just 30, to the point where I think I will lose eventually all pleasure in sex.

    So, to make things short, currently I have the following symptoms:

    - "Bursitis" type of hip pain in the left hip, accompanied with grinding and popping, that shoots down to the knee and to the back, sometimes to the point of being barely able to put my shoes in
    - Phantom sciatica pain in the other leg (had surgery in 2007)
    - Random nervous spikes down my arms
    - Hay fever/allergies that keep getting more persistent and stronger (I'm sneezing as we speak)
    - Random heartburn for no apparent reason
    - Flatulence/discomfort for no reason
    - Losing interest in stuff like sex, as my libido fluctuates wildly

    Other notes: Already removed my tonsils 3 years ago for constant infections. Already removed my appendix too, some years ago. Also removed my adenoids when I was a kid.

    ... and while this is happening, I still can deadlift and squat >300lbs for reps. This insane. How can a man like me that looks so solid, big and strong outside (I'm 5'10'' and 190 lbs), be so broken inside? Most people won't believe the amount of physical/psychological I'm in every single day, and still I make it to my olympic weightlifting practices.

    However, even though I still fight, I'm afraid I'm losing the battle. I'm getting seriously exhausted.

    Just had to vent. I'm pretty convinced this is TMS, and it's winning. It's winning, folks... I just can't be so broken inside, it makes no sense.

    Tuesday I will update you guys with news from ortho appointment.

    Thank you all.
    Last edited: May 30, 2018
  2. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    You are welcome @CaptainPain. It seems the amount and kind of symptoms you have support a TMS diagnosis. I am not sure what TMS activities you are doing to work on this, but you know there are programs at the Wiki. I hope you can clarify that this is TMS, with a little more medical investigation, and proceed with confidence.

    I get that you feel broken inside, and I am sorry about that. Forgive yourself for your condition as best you can. TMS is part of the human condition.

    It may help to inquire into what kind of personality propensities you have which fuel TMS: perfectionist, self-pushing, high expectations? If you can gently recognize and connect personality traits to your symptoms --and forgive yourself, this may help in the process.

    Andy B
  3. CaptainHope

    CaptainHope New Member

    Absolutely. I was always a grade A student, but seemed like it was never enough. I am extremely perfectionist, harsh on myself when I fuck up (much more than on others), things like sex, sports, competitions, were never pleasurable for me due to this intense need of doing right, of 100% or 0%. Same applies to the technique of my lifts in my sport.

    I really, really wish sometimes that I could break free from my mind.

    I've read a lot about it, but any further guidance would help.
  4. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi C.

    I work with self-compassion and the superego as core parts of TMS work, so your words are dear to my own experience and practice.

    Just to see the inner self-relationships is the first part, which you get. Then you can apply this by filling in the kind of prompt Dr. Sarno gave us (paraphrasing): Seeing how I treat myself around _____________, my Inner Child probably feels __________________. This feeling of ________________ is overwhelming to my child self, and therefore I have ________________________ symptoms. Understanding goes a long way!

    Developing self-compassion for the ways we treat ourselves is an important next step. Working with the inner critic and inquiring into how the inner critic helps fuel self-images which are important for us to maintain because of past (childhood) experiences is important.

    I like this book for the inner critic: Soul Without Shame by Byron Brown, which gives techniques as well as theory.

    Reading is great, but it is helpful to take these things into daily attuned practice!

    Andy B
  5. Jccfergie

    Jccfergie Newcomer

    Solidarity, friend.

    I just posted for the first time, explaining my situation, but I can relate so much to this. I’m also 5’10”, and I’m an 85k Olympic lifter (sounds like you’re an 85 as well? Maybe 94 sometimes?) same shit. Almost non-functional, feel like I’m losinh, but able to force 400lb on a bar to squat, and can snatch/cj 100/115 still without issue. Wtf?
  6. Sunny

    Sunny Newcomer

    Keep up the good fight. Maybe try seeing a TMS trained psychotherapist?
  7. CaptainHope

    CaptainHope New Member

    Went to the ortho's appointment. He "thinks" this might be related to FAI (a.k.a. Hip Impingement Syndrome). The symptoms match up. I have a MRI scheduled now.

    The kind of loop I'm in is familiar to me to the loop I was into 2007. This is a non-specific problem, a "syndrome", which is non-traumatic, the cause and outcome is "vague" (his words), it MIGHT be helpful to go under surgery (his words), the results SHOULD be good, and so on, and so on.

    I'm in tremendous amounts of pain at the moment.

    @Jccfergie, I sent you a PM.

    Thank you all,
    Click#7 likes this.
  8. Click#7

    Click#7 Well known member

    Kinda young to have these "structural issues"....your doc is using carefully chosen words to CYA. Be careful.
  9. CaptainHope

    CaptainHope New Member

    I'm re-reading the book that got me into TMS theory: Healing Back Pain Forever by Sensei Adam Rostocki.

    I'm in Portugal, so, no.

    Sent you a PM, buddy.

    Yes. Let's see the outcome of the MRI.
  10. healingfromchronicpain

    healingfromchronicpain Well known member

    Sorry to hear about your situation. It’s extremely frustrating, I know. And indeed seems crazy when we can be so strong but yet so weakened at the same time. The power of the mind is pretty incredible. I’ve had to really dig deep to break through my strong willed brain. The worse pain for me was my neck pain after rupturing a disc which triggered my chronic myofascial pain after surgery. But I’ve had other symptoms including reflux, dust allergies, and recurrent urinary tract infections.

    I think Andy B has very good suggestions. I found that I needed help beyond what I could do by myself, too, though. My journey may be a little different than many others here because when I first read Sarno and it didn’t completely “cure” me, I kept searching, and mind-body based myofascial release therapy helped me dig deep and into my psychological issues.

    I have a website (http://www.healingfromchronicpain.com (Healing from Chronic Myofascial Pain--Support for chronic pain sufferers: Defying Gravity--An Athlete's Journey of Healing from Chronic Myofascial Pain)) where I’ve written about my journey if you want to peruse it. It may give you some other ideas or just may make you feel less alone, but know there is hope for getting better! I’m still not completely there, but I’ve made incredible progress.

    Good luck!!!
  11. CaptainHope

    CaptainHope New Member

    Thank you very much for the way you've reached out.

    Holding deeply this belief that I can handle everything by myself, and it's hard for me to ask for help. To be frank: 1. I don't want to bother others; 2. I think that my problems are nothing given that so many people don't even have what to eat; 3. I believe that a man must suck it.

    There's this conscious notion that many of these beliefs make no sense, but I also know that I take this as true deep inside of me.

    Also, I actually know that there are many things and feelings of anger and insecurity unresolved from my childhood that I haven't been able to solve them with myself. Again, rationally I know there are no reasons to feel in a certain way, but you can't just rationalize your way out of it as easy as it sounds.
  12. healingfromchronicpain

    healingfromchronicpain Well known member

    I totally relate to everything you say (except I’m not a man but I still always felt like I should suck it up, which I suspect for me is a learned response from being a survivor of incest). I sucked it up for 32 years until my body told me otherwise!

    Anyway, try to be easy on yourself. Yes it’s so easy to think rationally about all this stuff, but unfortunately our subconscious minds have a different agenda. But they too can be thwarted. But from experience it ain’t always easy!

    Hang in there! You’re not alone and you don’t have to do this alone!! Accept help. You deserve to feel good! We all do!!
  13. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    This is a great start at understanding why you have TMS. Keep inquiring into these patterns daily, using the prompt I gave you above, and connecting all this with Dr. Sarno's work. In this, you are best to forgive yourself for your personality and "issues." We all have these places inside which create TMS, and we don't need to get rid of them. Just see them, connect them to symptoms in anyway which makes sense to you, and if you need to change your life, it will come from insight, not rejection of who you are.
    CaptainHope and Lainey like this.
  14. CaptainHope

    CaptainHope New Member

    Andy, your posts denote that you have a huge understanding of TMS. Thank you. God bless you.
  15. Click#7

    Click#7 Well known member

    What is Andy's misunderstanding CP....he healed and is doing well. Confused.
  16. sbmumford

    sbmumford Peer Supporter

    I’m not sure if you’ve already addressed this suggestion, but your phrase “I believe that a man must suck it” really caught my eye!

    Isn’t that the very essence of how TMS gets its power? The belief that we must push down, repress, ignore or otherwise not deign to take these emotional signals seriously? The belief that we would be admitting weakness if we sought help from others?
    Sarno’s main point, I think, is that our brains will always win in a fight against our egos, our conscience, or our guilt. To defeat TMS we must recognize that the fight is not fair, and we need ‘backup’.
    For some, simply reading Sarno is the backup. For many, including myself, seeking outside emotional therapy is essential to the cure.
    I urge you, if you haven’t already, to follow Sarno’s recommendation and find a therapist. They do not have be familiar with Sarno’s work so long as their ideas are compatible with his.
  17. CaptainHope

    CaptainHope New Member

    I said completely the opposite.

    Thank you for reaching out. I completely agree with you.
  18. Mimi Unger

    Mimi Unger New Member

    I've read over some of the responses and can offer three things to try.....
    1. Approach the T.M.S. process differently than anything you've ever done. You seem to have had success in life by pushing through pain and ignoring your own emotions. This works for a while and then we break. With the T.M.S. process you can't just push through. You must look at confront and make yourself vulnerable to all the stuff you've pushed down for so many years. This will be the most difficult thing you'll EVER do, because you have conditioned yourself to do it the opposite way and life has rewarded you for pushing down your emotions.

    2. Get "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns M.D. Cognitive Behavior Therapy is a great compliment to T.M.S. theory. It's all about the things you tell yourself and how to start being honest and objective with yourself....perfect for perfectionists.

    3. Skype with a T.M.S. therapist or at least find one in your city. From what you have said, this would be life changing. You can't imagine what it's like for a self soother in crisis to just have another person listen and just say "wow...that sounds really hard" not kidding. You need someone to help you unpack the layers of what has happened in your life.

    4. Change your T.M.S. handle...."captain pain" Every time you go on this site to hopefully get support you are firming up the identity of someone in pain. Not that you should deny your pain..but seeing it as your identity might not be helpful.
    Lynn S likes this.
  19. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Great idea! I think Captain, that you can change your handle once. Not sure how, but you might message Jan the CPA.
  20. Lynn S

    Lynn S Peer Supporter

    You are a champion and and disconnected from this at the moment.

    I know nothing like those with TMS experience but confident you’re going to get to the root cause of your problems and blossom beyond your imagination.

    I’m diligent in my own healing and work with the frustration of feeling hopeless at times. People want to come to me for healing but I have to focus on myself. I know there’s been an avoidence my entire life. You may want to consider your issues were set before the age of twelve. Sorry about the assumption but that’s what came to me.

    Mimi Unger mentioned changing your handle. Please consider this. Don’t own the pain.

    Champions have tough battles. There’s something in it for us to be who we came here to be. I’ll include you Mr. stranger in my affirmations of health and wellness. Peace to you Captain.

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