Day 12 I'm back

It’s been a month since I haven’t done the structured program. Why ? Because I have been doing much better and didn’t felt like journaling every day. I was too busy appreciating my (mostly) pain free days. But I still have some stiffness. Lately, I have been playing a lot on my cellphone, and my arms become all stiff and burn.

I have discovered a lot of anger in me, but since the pain is still there, I guess I have to continue the work. But I don’t know how to do it. I know why I am so angry. I have been crying a lot lately, talking to my boyfriend about some dark bits of my childhood. I even had a long conversation with my mother. She told me she was feeling guilty about the fact that she stayed with my father, and didn’t run away with me and my brother. It felt great to have her tell me that. I always felt I was exagerating, that my childhood hasn’t been that bad. And it hasn’t, but it still hurted me, and my mother was really hurt too.

The biggest thing I have discovered was that, during my childhood and my teenage years, the only way my father would give me affection was innapropriate. He would get really drunk and then get to bed with me to « kiss me goodnight ». He would then feel (?) me at different places and laught at it. When I was telling him to stop, he would get really mad and call me a bitch. It’s weird because I don’t remember much of it. I only remember clearly the last time it happened. I was seventeen, and I got really mad, and told him not to touch me. Then he started to scream at me, and violently close all the doors of the house, trying to scare me, calling me a bitch… And then he didn’t talked to me for 4 days. I remember my mom telling me he cried and told her afterwards he was sorry and he didn’t understand why he was doing this. But he never appologized to me.

Yesterday, and told all of this to my boyfriend, while crying. It felt good. I often want to cry, but the tears won’t come out. Yesterday it did.


Today is Day 12 for me, after a great break. The exercise if to identify my personality traits. So I am anxious and I have a low-esteem. I am always expecting the worst, and trying to predict everything. It’s hard to meet new people, or to stay in a crowded room. When facing a problem, I panick a lot and want to fix it right now. It affects me because it’s not healty, and I cannot relax until the problem is not fixed. Also, lately, I have had some praising about my work, and my first thoughts were always « are they lying ? why are they syaing all those nice things to me ? ». I have to accept that some people can genuinely like my art.


Also, I must admit I still have the fear the pain is going to stay forever… It’s 80% less worst, but since it’s not the first time I’m getting better, I fear I’m never going to be completly « ok ».

 

You've endured the greatest of violations so it is little wonder you feel such anger. Tears heal and cool the fires of rage. Take it easy. You'll get there sweetheart.

 

Thank you for your kind words <3

 

Good job!!! Your posts are great, keep us updated. You'll get there -- no need to do all your days in one stretch.