I see TMS act like a copout before my eyes and like an OCD Ritual.

I had really bad leg pain that started last year. I been feeling it alot on my ankle and still do, at first it seemed like sciatica but it didn't make sense. I use to get the pain after doing certain things, for example after lunch at my job, it will increase alot. I made research to find out what it was and I ran into TMS and Dr Sarno, it made a lot of sense to me.

First of all I had really bad OCD my entire life since I was 3 years old, so I know I had anxiety issues my whole life. Also I could really relate to the perfectionism, the Low self esteem, and the narcissism mentioned in Healing back pain book. It all clicked in my mind that this is what it was. The next few weeks I noticed dramatic improvement but my pain is still there but I can actually function now. Before when I got off work, I would go to the gym with lots of pain(gladly my gym buddy encouraged me) but right after I would get home and just lay on my bed. Even though I was laying on my bed, the pain was killing me, when I had to get up, I would limp. It was very depressing.

Now Im noticing patterns. Each time at work when I have to do something I dread, specifically after lunch time, I just feel my TMS kick in. Anything that requires a judgement call, just gets my TMS to kick in. I literally see it happening before me. It's not a big judgement call either, it's not like lives are at stake but it's just something about doing decisions like that. It seems its that perfectionism that makes me like that, I feel like which ever decision I do, it might be wrong, or even if it's right, it will just lead to future headaches. So to me it acts like a "copout" out of responsibility to be honest. I know times where I see something wrong but I just think of the time/resources/future headaches if I deal with it, will create. So it's literally the lazyness/Practical of me facing off against the perfectionist of myself. So when I have that decision to make, I just feel like my TMS kicks in which makes decisions easier to make since the leg pain will influence my decision making, whatever requires me to literally take less steps even tho at times I disregard it and still try to do it perfectly but I do it with pain.

I mentioned earlier how I usually get the pain after lunch. I feel the reason is because those 30-45 minutes of lunch I get to relax then when I have to start all over again, I just dread going back to work . It almost feels like an OCD ritual. Enter fine to the break room, get out and feel the pain. When I wake up and go to work however I don't like that, I just feel fresh.

Im gonna be honest, I don't like this job much, I really don't like what I'm doing with my life at this moment or ever. Im young but I already feel like this sense of hopelessness and indifference(It's been a while since I been really excited for anything, since I been really interested in anything). I need this job however because I don't feel coping out of it will be right for me. Still there is this feeling thru my mind to just leave this job and aim higher, which is actually a good plan but rage quitting isn't the way which is what I feel TMS is influencing me to do.

I been scared my whole life to do decisions. Im not rich or anything but I feel that my up bringing was responsibility free. When I was a kid my OCD was my reality, not my life or what was around me. I feel like TMS has over taken my OCD as the main distraction in my life.

I need some advice, I don't how I should feel. I feel like dwelling on all this stuff will only make me feel more depressed and will make my TMS worst. However I also feel if I dodge reality like I have my whole life, it won't be good for my life, this anxiety will just manifest into something else. I just don't know.

Thanks for reading this or/and responding to this.

 

Hi, Carnage.
I know where you're coming from. I hated my job so much that I had the shakes from it
and had to take a tranquilizer to get to work in the morning and another one to get through the afternoon.

After three years, I quit. I got a new job and have been happy in ever since.

In this economy it isn't wise to quit a job before getting another, so I suggest you find a way to tolerate it
until you can find something you like better.

Meanwhile, try not to let the job or anything else worry you. It may not be easy to think or journal about
any repressed emotions, but I urge you to do it. It leads to losing the pain.

OCD is a common problem and believe me, focusing on and believing in TMS 100 percent will end that symptom.

You are a perfectionist, and that too causes TMS. Try to modify that part of your personality.
Be as good as you can, work as well as you can, but don't put a lot of pressure on yourself.
You could probably work half as much as anyone else and still be twice as conscientious.

And enjoy each day. They're not unlimited. haha