I need to get a new job and I'm scared

Hi,

long story short - I've had forearm pain for years now, but also in other parts (knees mostly). It has all gotten better, but sadly not at the 100% mark just yet. It comes and goes, but generally the TMS approach has worked for me. I'm stronger, I got back into exercise, I play video games as much as I want and generally I try not to let the pain weigh me down, even on bad days. What helped me with this was my job. My job has very little effective work on most days (not so much during the summer tho) so I knew that, even if the pain was bad, I'd manage to get through and keep on keepin on because I was secure financially and I considered my job as "rest" of sorts. I don't really like the job, in fact, I think it's below me, but given my symptoms and flareups I figured it's good enough. Beggars can't be choosers. I have used my job as a sort of crutch and security blanket at the same time.

The problem is, my job will be obsolete in a couple of months and I am terrified of finding something new. This is the only aspect of my life which was truly stagnated for the past couple of years since the pain started. I am scared of finding a new job because:

• I don't know how much effective work there will be (ie. will I have to do something for the full 8 hours or can I take a break every once in a while and just casually do my tasks)
• I am currently experiencing a flareup which certainly doesn't help
• I'm scared of making an ass of myself ie. I start working and have to quit in a week or so because I am unable to do the job because of my symptoms

I feel kinda stuck now. I have to find a new job and I would like it to be one I like doing ie. just basic office stuff, typing on the keyboard etc. I don't think I will ever truly be at peace if I don't find a job I'm happy with and finally ending this whole TMS thing once and for all. On the one hand, I want to say fuck it, take a chance and see how it goes, on the other hand I am terrified and every time I don't hear back from a job I am relieved.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

EDIT: just to clarify: I know typing on a keyboard will not damage me. We are products of millions of years of evolution and are too sturdy to be done in by clacking on a keyboard. This whole thing started the other day, when I was writing a job application on my laptop. I had send an initial email which had formatting errors. I decided to send another one without the errors and boom, 10-20ish minutes later -> flareup. I don't know if it was me typing on my laptop (different position than the one I'm used to), my sending an erroneus email or just the general anxiety of finding a new job. It's so stupid and frankly it's frustrating at hell at this point.

EDIT 2: since I have a few months left with my job (possibly even 6), I have decided to take a proactive approach. I will be typing every day and progressively type more and more. This is the only activity I have kinda avoided (because playing video games =/= typing). Any advice is still welcome.

 

You answered so many of your own questions!
You know typing won’t kill you, so why should you have to leave? And if you did choose to leave a job why should anyone think you an ass? Why are you attempting to mind read people at a job that doesn’t currently exist?

Perhaps the job isn’t the problem, maybe it’s that you have refused to let yourself find the wellness you desire. Why? What is holding you back? What would your mind need to protect you from so desperately as to keep you in pain?

Your message here has so many dots I’m not sure you are fully connecting. Do you still take part in TMS self care like journaling? Have you ever spoken to someone about your internal feelings towards yourself? So much going on in your message but I get the feeling that just being more aware will help you turn a corner. Remember that legally, jobs must provide breaks and lunch hours. You can do this!

 

Everything that @Cactusflower said!

And there's this. This right here tells you that you are looking for recovery from an outside source. That is not where recovery comes from.

I absolutely think you are able to do this, but you've veered off the path a bit. Follow Cactusflower'advice. Dip back into the SEP, or get the new Alan Gordon book, The Way Out for the latest techniques. If you never dealt directly with your anxiety, read Hope and Help For Your Nerves by Claire Weekes.

One piece of advice I would add is to not get hung up on 100%. Especially for those of us who suffer from anxiety, it's likely that 100% recovery 100% of the time for the rest of your life is simply not realistic. It's not really realistic for anyone, to be quite honest, and harder for some. But achieving, say, 80+% most of the time, and 100% some of the time, is still a really good life compared to wherever you were "Before Sarno", right? That's my outlook! (feel free to read my profile for the whole story).

You can do this, just accept that refreshing your skills will be necessary, especially during times of sttess

 

Getting a new job is scary but it can also be exciting. I'm not sure where you are located but if you are in the US it's a great time to be looking. There are lots of job available from which to pick and choose. Some jobs are in-office, others are remote and more and more are a hybrid mix.

I know it's hard when you have gotten into a comfortable routine but soon enough with the new job it will also become comfortable. And it might add a little bit of zip into your life.

Good luck!