i need help... so PISSED OFF!

S

savasana

Peer Supporter
I've known about TMS for 4 years now. And I STILL have pain all over my body. I've had it all. Shin splints, lower back pain, upper back pain, neck pain, tension headaches/migraines, hemorrhoids, anxiety, depression, OCD, panic attacks, hypochondria, psoriasis, cystic acne, eczema, interstitial cystitis, constipation, diarrhea, tendonitis, carpal tunnel, toothaches, sensitive teeth, etc. Need I go on??

Do you ever get just ANGRY that it won't go away? I get so angry that I can't do some of the things I want to do when I want to do them because I physically can't. I had a migraine the entire weekend this past weekend. What am I supposed to do with that? "Take the pain" and do what I want anyway? I could barely speak it was so bad. I get so angry that I'm not where I wish I was in my life and that my business is taking so long to get off the ground and I know these things are related to the pain, but how in the HELL do I connect them?

I could just cry thinking about all this and I need help.
 
@savasana, I'm sorry you're still struggling so badly. It's likely that you have not yet been able to reach your true repressed emotions, and your brain is fighting back harder than ever to keep them repressed, now that you have your TMS awareness. I have a question and some advice:

What kind of emotional work have you actually done to address this? Eg, therapy, our SEP, etc.

For you, I recommend a full dose of @Nicole J. Sachs LCSW, her book and her podcasts. You need a new approach and you need to shake something loose. Your anger is a distraction, and your brain is taking full advantage. Good luck.
 
JanAtheCPA said:
@savasana, I'm sorry you're still struggling so badly. It's likely that you have not yet been able to reach your true repressed emotions, and your brain is fighting back harder than ever to keep them repressed, now that you have your TMS awareness. I have a question and some advice:

What kind of emotional work have you actually done to address this? Eg, therapy, our SEP, etc.

For you, I recommend a full dose of @Nicole J. Sachs LCSW, her book and her podcasts. You need a new approach and you need to shake something loose. Your anger is a distraction, and your brain is taking full advantage. Good luck.
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Hi Jan. Thanks for responding.

To be honest, I haven't done any structured work. I went to a fantastic CBT therapist to deal with my OCD and some emotional issues, which she really helped with, but unfortunately I can't afford to see her anymore. I would rather pursue something on my own anyway as opposed to therapy for the TMS stuff.

I will check out Nicole's book, thank you.

Do you have any other structured programs you can recommend?
 
savasana said:
Do you have any other structured programs you can recommend?
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We have two: the Structured Educational Program on tmswiki.org and Alan Gordon's Recovery program which is here on the forum. The SEP is more structured, and that's what I would recommend for you.

As you start with Day 1, you might think that you've "done it all" before, but I would ask you to practice patience, and open your mind to the power of being reminded about things you might have forgotten. Now, if you're sure that you vividly remember everything on Dr. Sarno's 20/20 video, then it's okay to skip that. That being said, I have to say that whenever I listen to a podcast or read an article, I'm constantly reminded about valuable things I know that I know, but that my brain conveniently "forgot", and those are things that give me a boost if I'm struggling. And good grief, aren't we all struggling these days? Times are tough!

Two things about doing the SEP:

1. Do NOT skip any of the exercises. Just do them. Give the program time, so that you can compare and contrast and figure out what works for you.

2. You must be brutally HONEST when you are doing the writing exercises. Your brain will try to seduce you from putting things down. Mine certainly did this. You have to fight that urge, and put those things down in particular. If you allow your brain to convince you that you shouldn't write something down, you will not recover, and your fearful negative brain will remain in total control. You do not need to keep your writings - in fact Nicole Sachs recommends destroying them immediately.

I'm going to follow up with some specific resources
 
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You might be interested in the NPR feature that just came out, about Dr. Schubiner's program. I thought of it because he specifically says that CBT therapy doesn't really address the emotional work that needs to be done for intractable TMS symptoms. I'm not saying you have to go to Michigan for therapy, but the article describes the differences, and it might be useful for you as you approach this work from a different angle. I posted about it here: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/posts/109915/ (Dr. Schubiner - Dr Schubiner's new therapy is on NPR!) It's a short read (or listen).

I highly recommend the podcast The Cure For Chronic Pain by @Nicole J. Sachs LCSW. I do recommend that you get her book, and then listen to her podcasts in addition, starting with #1.

I am also a fairly recent fan of Eddy Lindenstein's podcast, The Mind and Fitness Podcast (Eddy is aka @LindenSwole here). I discuss two really good ones here: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/do-yourself-a-favor-and-listen-to-this-podcast.21114/ (Do yourself a favor and listen to this podcast)
Eddy's been posting a new podcast every week, so there are a lot of them already! If you're short on time, just dip in and pick a short one - you never know what it will be, but it's always focused on TMS.

I'm going to guess that you know how to access podcasts, but if not (or for someone else reading this) I discuss that here:
https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/prolonged-recovery-back-leg-pain.21086/#post-109845 (Prolonged recovery: back/leg pain)

Good luck!

~Jan
 
@savasana I'm with you on the migraine journey. I just had a 7-day blinder, which is just starting to loosen up now. You can look at my personal journey thread if you want to titled "So confused". I actually made the migraine much worse by being pushy with myself, and I treated it with self-caring behaviours. I need to be balanced in what I do and not let my automatic pushy, perfectionistic behaviours sabotage me. The first step is awareness of where we do that to ourselves through the patterns we've learned.

I don't know if you know the source of your symptoms. I have just become aware of the largest emotional source of my symptoms, although there are some situations where I haven't necessarily realised how much pain they caused the "little me" although I knew how I felt as an adult. That was a key thing that a kind member of the forum said to me. Don't just look at the stuff you know has affected you from an adult point-of-view, even the stress we are under as adults. Look at how the "little you", which we all carry inside, might feel about these things.

You have taught me something today. I never realised sensitive teeth were TMS. Wow! I've had that ever since I was a kid. I still have it now, although I notice it far less often. I noticed it as a kid though, not being able to eat ice-cream like all the other kids. I must have been sad and angry about that, although I repressed many of my feelings back then, and certainly never expressed that. So, thank you. You have given me some insight into that.

Just something I noticed from your language: "I could just cry". Do you let yourself cry when you need to? I had a healthy cry this morning and a bit of a blubber yesterday. I wasn't a "crier" as a child. I wasn't allowed to.

Warm wishes.
 
JanAtheCPA said:
You might be interested in the NPR feature that just came out, about Dr. Schubiner's program. I thought of it because he specifically says that CBT therapy doesn't really address the emotional work that needs to be done for intractable TMS symptoms. I'm not saying you have to go to Michigan for therapy, but the article describes the differences, and it might be useful for you as you approach this work from a different angle. I posted about it here: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/posts/109915/ (Dr. Schubiner - Dr Schubiner's new therapy is on NPR!) It's a short read (or listen).

I highly recommend the podcast The Cure For Chronic Pain by @Nicole J. Sachs LCSW. I do recommend that you get her book, and then listen to her podcasts in addition, starting with #1.

I am also a fairly recent fan of Eddy Lindenstein's podcast, The Mind and Fitness Podcast (Eddy is aka @LindenSwole here). I discuss two really good ones here: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/do-yourself-a-favor-and-listen-to-this-podcast.21114/ (Do yourself a favor and listen to this podcast)
Eddy's been posting a new podcast every week, so there are a lot of them already! If you're short on time, just dip in and pick a short one - you never know what it will be, but it's always focused on TMS.

I'm going to guess that you know how to access podcasts, but if not (or for someone else reading this) I discuss that here:
https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/prolonged-recovery-back-leg-pain.21086/#post-109845 (Prolonged recovery: back/leg pain)

Good luck!

~Jan
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Hi Jan,

Thank you very much for this info. I am going to get into this.

-Savasana
 
zclesa said:
@savasana I'm with you on the migraine journey. I just had a 7-day blinder, which is just starting to loosen up now. You can look at my personal journey thread if you want to titled "So confused". I actually made the migraine much worse by being pushy with myself, and I treated it with self-caring behaviours. I need to be balanced in what I do and not let my automatic pushy, perfectionistic behaviours sabotage me. The first step is awareness of where we do that to ourselves through the patterns we've learned.

I don't know if you know the source of your symptoms. I have just become aware of the largest emotional source of my symptoms, although there are some situations where I haven't necessarily realised how much pain they caused the "little me" although I knew how I felt as an adult. That was a key thing that a kind member of the forum said to me. Don't just look at the stuff you know has affected you from an adult point-of-view, even the stress we are under as adults. Look at how the "little you", which we all carry inside, might feel about these things.

You have taught me something today. I never realised sensitive teeth were TMS. Wow! I've had that ever since I was a kid. I still have it now, although I notice it far less often. I noticed it as a kid though, not being able to eat ice-cream like all the other kids. I must have been sad and angry about that, although I repressed many of my feelings back then, and certainly never expressed that. So, thank you. You have given me some insight into that.

Just something I noticed from your language: "I could just cry". Do you let yourself cry when you need to? I had a healthy cry this morning and a bit of a blubber yesterday. I wasn't a "crier" as a child. I wasn't allowed to.

Warm wishes.
Click to expand...

You know, it's funny. I tend to be quite sensitive and in the past hyper sensitive. It shames me to say that I met the criteria for some of the characteristics of borderline personality disorder, which is characterized by unstable mood and emotions, anger and victimization specifically. It's actually really hard for me to even type that out :( I feel like it makes me an outcast and that if people knew that about me they wouldn't want to be my friend or wouldn't love me. I used to cry at the drop of a hat and take everything personally and through therapy I learned to control that a lot better, over the course of the past few years. It's actually kind of hard for me to cry recently as a result. I just don't go to "that place" as much. I think I have developed a lot of shame around crying because I used to be so hypersensitive. Thanks for bringing that up. I have to look into that and journal about that.
 
@savasana I had BPD. Skin as thin as crepe paper. So, I certainly wouldn't judge you or reject you for that, if that counts for anything. I bet you have a lot of empathy too, which can be painful in itself, but is a great gift if we let it be.

Parts of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy helped me deal with BPD massively so I could function and feel better. But it did not address the past at all, which is where all my TMSing started. And I didn't develop BPD out of nowhere, clearly. These traits come from somewhere. No-one deliberately develops BPD.

I am still sensitive to criticism, avoid conflict at all costs, and am too nice to others because of some deep fear of rejection and being unloved. Awareness of these things is very important.

Anyway, you're not alone. You're really not.
 
@savasana, listen to what @zclesa is saying about going back to the past and accessing the "little you". This is where your shame, your BPD, came from, and that's what you need to bring out into your current awareness so that your brain can stop repressing it. It won't be easy, because your brain really really wants to keep it hidden from you. If you're like everyone else, it's going to have something to do with your parents and how you felt as a child. This is what you will have a hard time writing about when you do the SEP, per my #2 point, but it's got to be done. You will resist, and you have to fight back and just do it. And, as the very wise @zclesa also said, you are not alone!
 
JanAtheCPA said:
You might be interested in the NPR feature that just came out, about Dr. Schubiner's program. I thought of it because he specifically says that CBT therapy doesn't really address the emotional work that needs to be done for intractable TMS symptoms. I'm not saying you have to go to Michigan for therapy, but the article describes the differences, and it might be useful for you as you approach this work from a different angle. I posted about it here: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/posts/109915/ (Dr. Schubiner - Dr Schubiner's new therapy is on NPR!) It's a short read (or listen).



~Jan
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Jan is his new therapy available in a program/book etc or just something he is doing in his office? I might be missing it but I don't see it specifically, or any new program, on his site.
 
JanAtheCPA said:
You know as much as I do, @had.
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Duggit said:
Lumley and Schubiner have written a brief description of EAET, describing its "three key components," in an article titled Treating the Emotional Problems Underling (sic) Centralized Pain. The url is:

https://bodyinmind.org/treating-emotional-problems-pain/
Click to expand...

So Dr. Schubiner said its not a new therapy, rather a different name they used in the study for ISTDP (Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy) as described in his superb book "Unlearn Your Pain" (The best TMS book I have read for someone with an analytical or science heavy mind as he explains the anatomy and physiology behind the effects which really helps you believe in the concept if you are someone who is into such details).
 
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