I keep trying, keep getting worse 3+years..

[Mark1122]

I am at a new worst again since ive been trying for 4+ months now, also having a job for 4 months behind pc. I started playing guitar etc really living my life.

But ive reached new hights where i cant stay awake, have very bloated stomach and pressure on heart+ no good oxygen. I see vague and double and am very fogged in my head. And it all starts with intense upper back pain, trapezius pain and arm pain (right side) so bad im sweating from pain.

I am so fuucking done with this shit 8+ years now and im only 29... TMS has made everything like 3x worse than it was... But it was my only hope.... I ditched drinking, gambling, gaming etc and live my life also eating healthy. But only keep getting worse, and this is really due to pc work. My pain gets worse and i get exhausted and get all these sortof chronique stress symptoms with also neck pain due to sort of constant stress.

Most of it feels like chronique stressy stuff or fibromyalgia but it starts with pc and mobile usage always and when i quit using those devices it gets a bit better. But lately im so bad that even quitting that doesn't even change that much.


So the same shit again the same messages from me, in the loop. I should just quit the forum now and tap out trying, my doctor is useless too he kindof gave up on me so im almost alone in this. I got my psychologist and i make good progress with her but my symptoms dont care, i have a pretty decent life otherwise. The only big thing is i get lonely and i am a bit socially awkward and kinda hate myself for that and wish id have more friends. But im also kindof sure i can get that if i was healthy. But i get full blown panic attacks when i try to engage in social stuff.

Im now on the point where i really have to quit my dream job and be a nobody again all due to this symptoms bullshit. I love my job but there is just no other way around im completely and utterly exhausted. I cant think straight, i cant see straight, i cant stay awake, my stomach feels like its about the explode and my pain is killing me. I cant keep my job but if i quit it il be devastated as well but there is just no other option.


Im nearing 30 and my outlook looks terrible. I wanted kids but i guess thats not going to happen either. IM close to tapping out since im tired of this shit and im literally exhausted as well, death and rest seems pretty nice. No more worries and rest, no more being tired. I used to be scared of death but i day dream about it now. How nice to have rest not being tired anymore, sounds like something way in the past and sounds pretty great. Rest and nothing sounds great next to pain, exhaustion and a depressing outlook of the future.

Every day every fucking day, no relieve only worsening. Every day. If it didn't get worse it would just become normal. I cant even remember how a pain and exhaustion free life feels like. I cant even fucking walk for more than 30mins. I completely exploded now but i had good faith before, but its just too much... I just want to rest so badly

Ive readt that long thread of eskimo and a lot of good stuff there motivating me but still doesnt help me in the end sadly. Only thing that could be it is: i really have sort of rsi and have to stop all activity and hope to somewhat heal in the long run and tms makes it worse cause i keep resuming activity or there i something unconscious something big for me that has to get to the surface which will make me burst into tears and release all tension. But i think there i nothing like that big otherwise i would know, my parents or family weren't monsters or anything like that. And ive been in therapy for 1+ years and nothin big came up yet.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Well, you've presented us with quite a tangle here, Mark. I'm not entirely surprised that no one has responded in a day and a half. I'm really scratching my head, and I've been doing this work since 2011. Maybe if I give it a try, someone else will find something to latch onto.

I'm certainly struck by these two statements, which effectively bracket your post:

TMS has made everything like 3x worse than it was...

Only thing that could be it is: i really have sort of rsi and have to stop all activity and hope to somewhat heal in the long run and tms makes it worse

There's something not quite right in the way you are presenting your awareness of TMS, and I might not get this right, but I think it has to do with the fact that you seem to think that TMS is a condition that you have on top of your other physical problems. What you might not understand is that TMS is a primitive brain mechanism that we are all born with. It's not something you somehow came down with in 2012, out of the blue, which suddenly made your life worse.

The mechanism that we conveniently call TMS in honor of Dr. Sarno, is a slightly weird brain mechanism that seems to have evolutionarily developed in humans. Your physical symptoms, your mental symptoms, and your emotional distress - these are all manifestations of the TMS mechanism, which has gone completely haywire. The fact that it so often goes haywire in modern humans is not surprising considering that it was designed to keep primitive humans safe in a primitive world - but only safe just long enough so they could breed and raise the next generation of humans in small social groups. They had really short lives, and those lives encompassed only a few needs and only a few things to worry about - and those few things were extremely tangible.

Not a single one of those things is true of modern humans - and thus TMS really does not work at all well in the modern world. You take the TMS mechanism, add in a gazillion intangible modern worries and concerns about the present, add a much longer life span and a whole bunch of worries and concerns about our lengthy futures, then add childhood shame and anxiety (typical for most of us) or trauma, or, in the worst cases, childhood abuse - and you get TMS in overdrive, complete with physical symptoms, chronic conditions, disabling anxiety, and what I believe is the ultimate evil, which is depression.

Oh yeah, let's not forget information overload and various forms of online addiction. Gaming, social media, general FOMO, and other nastier things I don't even want to talk about. It's not good.

As if that wasn't bad enough, now add the absolute shithole of a year that was 2020, and you have an emotional disaster in the making.

I took a quick look at the list of your recent posts, and the item that jumped out at me was your statement that your whole family has a negative outlook. OMG Mark!! TMS absolutely LOVES negativity. TMS thrives on negativity. Keeping you thinking negatively is, to the TMS mechanism, the only thing that will keep you worried, and therefore keep you safe. Safe from what? is the question. That's what you have to fight against - you have to fight your primitive brain's irrational fears with your rational knowledge - and a whole lot of self-compassion.

Mindful that I'm an accountant, not a therapist, off the top of my head I suspect that self-compassion - never mind self-love - is not on your radar whatsoever. You're really going to have to change that if you want to start healing yourself. That means letting go of that negativity you were raised with. This is how TMS symptoms are "inherited", by the way. It ain't genetics.

I have said for many years that in order to do this work, you have to love yourself enough to know in your heart that you deserve to recover. You're just not there.

Ultimately, it's a choice. And I don't want to pretend it's easy. Fighting back against a lifetime of negativity is HARD. But it can be done.

I saw this post by Fred Amir which seems apt: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/does-tms-ever-go-away-completely.24331/#post-126594 (Does TMS ever go away completely?)
Please pay attention to his last sentence about being a victim. If your therapist has not brought up victimhood with you, she either doesn't know what she's doing, or you've never shared with her what you have shared with us.

Good luck.

~Jan

 

[Solange]

Mark1122. I first came to this website some years ago and check back every now and again. I seem to be in a checking -in phase at the moment so I will offer you my thoughts. I have no particular insights , unlike some very knowledgeable posters here who have accumulated much expertise and good-sense, I can only offer you my compassion. I think that word 'compassion' is an important one however as it seems to be something perhaps lacking in your life .You have already achieved a fantastic amount of positives in the way you have tried to turn your life around. Congratulations, you now need to offer yourself the care and understanding that your exhausted mind is crying out for and signaling to you through various painful sensations, fatigue and depression-your therapist cannot do this for you. Just because you have yet to see results, does not mean your past effort has been for nothing- you would not expect to plant flower seeds and have them bloom next week, but for all that they are growing and developing underground until months later, you see the first green shoots.

For a long time, I was absolutely convinced that the root of my pain lay in the past but even when I had gone through all the emotional baggage, the pain was still there and remained there until I realised and accepted that it actually continued to exist because of the way I was treating myself and the pressure I was putting on myself in a thousand different ways. Also the fear. Yes, I was frightened of doing certain things because they might 'trigger' a reaction. Sure enough they did, and occasionally still do, until I was able to calm my inner- self enough to do them anyway with a mindset of acceptance, to let come what would come. Things could still hurt, however I would do them anyway but without throwing the petrol of fear onto the bonfire. I used to be afraid to sit down because of the pain (how crazy was that?!!) but now I can sit on any chair however long I want. I made it happen by practice, practice and more practice- I think Alan Gordon calls it outcome independence, I suggest you find out what he has to say about this, if you haven't already done so. I have great admiration for his work and his straightforward writing.
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When you are exhausted and in pain, it is difficult to think clearly and everything is overwhelming. Accept you feel like this at the moment but that you will feel better. Try to be as kind and understanding to yourself as you would be to a friend in your shoes. Don't get angry with yourself-you are not like this at the moment because you want to be, you are like this because you are in distress and have not learned how to soothe yourself and live your life with less resistance. It takes time. It can be done. You are young. Don't worry about your future right now but just to say, I was a decade older than you when I had my son so I think time is on your side! As for being a bit socially awkward well, so what? Not everybody wants to be the centre of attention and those that do may appreciate an audience rather than competition. Claire Weekes has some helpful stuff to say about panic and nerves if you want to look her up and feel it is an issue you would like to address at some point.

I hope I have not gone on too long here and I hope at least this forum makes you feel less alone with these problems. I have always found the forums helpful and I have a usually pain-free life these days but it did take time to get to this point and numerous setbacks.

 

[Balsa11]

Doing the mental work is important in the long term, but a skill that works in the moment is titration/pendulation combined with long exhales to calm down the heart rate and tension. Take many little breaks as you need to reset, and get back to some calls/Zoom chats with friends when you have time. Also it's really boring/tiring to be staring at a screen so really short walks outside are nice too. Give yourself permission to rest as much as you'd like but make sure to keep shifting your thinking. And power naps are still a thing! Stay away from information overload and negative news,too. Keep going, enjoy the journey and there's no need to think about the destination.

 

[hawaii_five0]

@Mark1122:

This may or may not be something for you to think about, but I read a story not long ago. It was about a gentleman of Greek heritage who lived in the US, I guess he was maybe 50 or 60, and was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He lived a kind of typical rat-race kind of life in Chicago I think it was. He decided to move back to the Greek island where his family came from, if for no other reason that he could be buried for free in the family plot. (I think maybe he was married so I guess his wife went too). When he got there, his life changed completely, he started spending his days in the fresh air, adopted a classic Mediterranean diet, drank wine, walked in to the village and made friends there, hung out playing checkers with the men of the village. He started a vegetable garden. He walked up and down the seaside cliffs, slowly became part of the local community, and absorbing nature. Long story short, at this next checkup his cancer had gone into remission, without any kind of treatment. He ended up living several decades more, a long and happy life.

Of course I don't have any idea what your situation is, but your post sounds like you are ready, maybe even need, some kind of complete change. A year off. I'm envisioning something like moving to some place in Florida, or where there is a warm beach (Hawaii is also a great place, and has a relaxed island mentality, but is more expensive). Live in some simple shack, but near the ocean. Hang out in a local bar, don't overdrink, but just bond with people over time. Get a job eventually at some simple thing, a short-order cook. Read books, swim in the ocean, try to help the people around you however you can. Compassion for others is helpful for refocusing your mind. Again, I am not saying you should necessarily do all this, but maybe something like this, some kind of totally out of the box reset, even for just a time. Hang in there.

 

[Mark1122]

I want to thank everyone who gave me advice, i readt them just now. I actually turned around in mindset a day after my post i dont know how or why exactly and a few hours ago i collapsed again with some nasty heart stuff. So i will take a bit of rest now and react to your very nice posts tomorrow, i just wanted to let you all know that i appreciate them and readt them, i will be back later. Thanks.

I will try to stay positive somehow.

 

[Mark1122]

I took a quick look at the list of your recent posts, and the item that jumped out at me was your statement that your whole family has a negative outlook. OMG Mark!! TMS absolutely LOVES negativity. TMS thrives on negativity. Keeping you thinking negatively is, to the TMS mechanism, the only thing that will keep you worried, and therefore keep you safe. Safe from what? is the question. That's what you have to fight against - you have to fight your primitive brain's irrational fears with your rational knowledge - and a whole lot of self-compassion.

Yes this is probably not good haha. I am working on. it a lot though and i also start to love myself more. But my symptoms are scary and it literally feels like its tough on my heart. I think my heart itself is okay but people who get tortured can get heart episodes as well. So i thought maybe cause of this pain and exhaustion my heart cant take it.


Im really trying to be more positive and through my struggles i manage to feel a bit of happyness sometimes but it gets overshadowed by extreme anxiety and pain ofcourse. I feel like i made so many good steps in my life for the last 5 months but things oinly seem to get worse with my symptoms. It almost feels like my life is finally pretty good if it want for the symptoms. And it wasnt great at all before these 5 months. I know i still have stuff to work on but it just doesnt make sense to me that i get worse. And i wouldnt pay too much attention to it if it didnt involve my heart but thats just scary.

I do really understand what you are saying, atleast i think i do.

Yeah i really have periods where i take charge and stop being a victim but it always ends up in full blown symptoms where i physically cant go on. When do i start to think about it maybe being something physical? I got these pains when my anxiety started and i distracted myself with 16 hours a day behind a pc. Maybe sitting behind pc in such a tense way can cause damage? I know how im talking now is very bad TMS wise but it is jsut what ive been scared of lately. I also know fear feeds TMS but i have gone without fear for a good 3 months and it didnt work either.

Now im on the verge of having to quit my dreamjob because i cant go on physically it feels like i can get a heart attack or something anytime if i keep this going. I probably sound crazy and maybe i am ..?


I must admit im tensed, so tensed my belly feels like its about to explode and it cant be triplets because i shouldve given birth by now plus im a man. But whats first: pain can cause stress as well. And its always the same the micro tasks behind pc, mobile etc starts the whole circle every time. Is RSI just non existent then? Can we just put our body through anything we want as long as we believe we can? Should we ignore bodily symptoms? What use are they for us then? I know how TMS works but im just terrified, and yes being terrified is a plus for TMS but i havent been like that for 3 months a month back or something and the pain was there.

 

[Mark1122]

I hope I have not gone on too long here and I hope at least this forum makes you feel less alone with these problems. I have always found the forums helpful and I have a usually pain-free life these days but it did take time to get to this point and numerous setbacks.

I appreciate your message and it does give me some hope. I come back on this forum because whenever i feel helpless and hopeless i get energy from the messages people sent here. I start to get hope again. The shitty part it that it always crashed down again and gets me to a worse spot than before.

Thanks.

 

[Mark1122]

@Mark1122:

This may or may not be something for you to think about, but I read a story not long ago. It was about a gentleman of Greek heritage who lived in the US, I guess he was maybe 50 or 60, and was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He lived a kind of typical rat-race kind of life in Chicago I think it was. He decided to move back to the Greek island where his family came from, if for no other reason that he could be buried for free in the family plot. (I think maybe he was married so I guess his wife went too). When he got there, his life changed completely, he started spending his days in the fresh air, adopted a classic Mediterranean diet, drank wine, walked in to the village and made friends there, hung out playing checkers with the men of the village. He started a vegetable garden. He walked up and down the seaside cliffs, slowly became part of the local community, and absorbing nature. Long story short, at this next checkup his cancer had gone into remission, without any kind of treatment. He ended up living several decades more, a long and happy life.

Of course I don't have any idea what your situation is, but your post sounds like you are ready, maybe even need, some kind of complete change. A year off. I'm envisioning something like moving to some place in Florida, or where there is a warm beach (Hawaii is also a great place, and has a relaxed island mentality, but is more expensive). Live in some simple shack, but near the ocean. Hang out in a local bar, don't overdrink, but just bond with people over time. Get a job eventually at some simple thing, a short-order cook. Read books, swim in the ocean, try to help the people around you however you can. Compassion for others is helpful for refocusing your mind. Again, I am not saying you should necessarily do all this, but maybe something like this, some kind of totally out of the box reset, even for just a time. Hang in there.

I think about these things a lot. But then i also think about: Would i just run away from my problems? It sounds really nice though. I am a little disconnected to the world, probably another plus for TMS. But the symptoms make me disconnected from the world as well so whats first.

 

[Balsa11]

I think about these things a lot. But then i also think about: Would i just run away from my problems? It sounds really nice though. I am a little disconnected to the world, probably another plus for TMS. But the symptoms make me disconnected from the world as well so whats first.

Connect back to the world. Try things. Experiment.