I just signed up and I'm afraid of writing about myself

I have been reading posts on this forum for a while, mostly success stories.

For some reason, just now after reading a success story I finally decided to create an account. I felt a lot of resistance to it and I'm still feeling it right now, struggling to write these words.

Have been reading/watching videos about TMS and mind body conditions in general for a while. As you might already been able to figure I have been dealing with chronic symptoms/pain. Also been feeling some anxiety and panic symptoms.

What I think I struggle with the most is fear, excessive worrying and repressing emotions. Even now I'm afraid that no one will care about this post. Afraid that no one will reply and that I will be ignored.

Decided to write this regardless because I feel that in some way, I need to talk about myself and to show and accept vulnerability.

It's difficult to talk about TMS and these kind of topics with people I know so I guess joining this forum might be a good thing for me.

When creating my account on this forum today I felt really uncomfortable creating a username. In a way I still struggle to accept that I'm facing these mind-body challenges. So I decided to fight fear and to just acknowledge my current circumstances by using Pedro as a username. It is my real name.

 

I’ll assuage that fear, Pedro! I read your post! Welcome! I’m glad you’re here, this is a good space. I’ll think you’ll find people won’t be ignoring you.

 

Pedro!

It's rare for a posting to get no replies on these forums; people on here care and want to help fellow TMSers on their 'journey' to losing symptoms. You will, however, find that as it's Christmas time and New Year's coming up it will likely be a lot quieter than usual, so please don't let that put you off.

It's great that you've been reading the success stories. I guess you may already know, but there are two totally free programs that you can consider doing via this Wiki, the Structured Educational Program (SEP) https://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/Structured_Educational_Program and the Pain Recovery Program https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/painrecovery/ (Most people start with the SEP.)

 

Welcome, pedro! I'm new here too, but very glad to be here.

This is perhaps off-topic and wander-y, but I was just thinking about usernames and personas.

In a chatroom I found for one of the medicalized conditions I thought I had, some months before committing to the TMS diagnosis, there was an interesting phenomenon where, like most online chatrooms, everyone was anonymous of course, but I kept feeling like there was an unusual level of significance being placed upon people's usernames in this particular space. I was expecting more people to have boring usernames and blank avatars—after all, there's nothing to be excited about in the male pelvic pain space—but a lot of people (the chatroom was young men, mostly) instead chose fanciful pictures of knights and characters from their favorite video games and movies, and often had similarly fantastical-sounding usernames. The whole thing seemed odd to me; who were we to masquerade around online as these fictional versions of ourselves, while trying to recover from these awful and embarrassing symptoms?

Anyway I'm sure there are more parallels to be drawn there between usernames, avatars, and the idea of one's persona/false presentation of themself as presented in the Steve Ozanich book I'm halfway through.

The point is, I think it's cool that you're posting under your own name. From the little (or a lot?) that I've been learning already, it feels like self-acceptance and presenting one's true self is a big part of this.

 

Thank you, I'm also glad I'm finally here posting on this forum.
I feel like my resistance to engage on these type of discussions means that I was still resisting TMS in some way. The fact I finally posted probably means I'm more open now to doing the actual work and to stop being controlled by irrational health anxiety.

Thank you for your reply and for mentioning those resources.
I have read Alan Gordon's book and I'm currently reading Howard Schubiner's work. I think getting the TMS knowledge from a doctor might be helpful for me, because I have always been a very skeptical and rigid person, despite my whole life history pointing to a clear case of TMS. Regardless, I should actually follow the program you mentioned because while I have been reading about TMS, I'm avoiding doing the work for some reason. I feel like it is because I'm afraid to fail. Afraid of not being able to do it successfully.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the whole meaning of picking a username and hiding behind an online persona.
For me at least, when creating the account, using my actual name felt like the right thing to do. I don't need to hide, there is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm imperfect and I always will be, like everyone else.
I'm not familiar with Steve Ozanich's work, maybe I should check that book you mentioned.

 

This might seem a bit offtopic but I want to share some of the work I'm trying to do.

I like to work out, but chronic pain, anxiety and panic symptoms made me scared to do some physical activities. After feeling chest pain due to high anxiety and panic I did multiple medical exams to clear any possible heart problems, and I know I'm fine, but my TMS brain keeps me afraid.
So today after working out I tried to apply Dr Sarno's idea of "talking to your brain" and I wrote this:

"You can bring any sensations you want and thoughts too. I'm not my thoughts and I'm not my sensations. I'm the observer of the thoughts and sensations. I'm the one who makes decisions and the symptoms or thoughts you create won't make me decide what to do and what not to do. I control my actions and I control my attitude. You can create intrusive thoughts and I can deconstruct those thoughts. I can also create alternative and more rational thoughts. You can make me feel pain and I can train and develop the capacity to be unbothered. I just made my heart beat very fast. I felt it pounding in my neck. But I didn't stop my workout. I decided to do this workout and I did it. After doing this workout I decided to control my breathing not because of fear but to communicate with you. To tell you that you don't need to be alert, that you don't need to panic. Because I know what I'm doing and it's not the pain or symptoms that you create that will mislead me from following my path."

I was basically trying to separate myself from my brain. While sharing this I cringe a bit, but I felt like sharing it regardless.

 

That’s just your TMS-ing 'lizard' brain at work — it doesn’t want you to start because it feels safer keeping things just as they are. And that perfectionism you’re noticing? Totally normal with TMS. It’s that little voice worrying you won’t do the work ‘just right’ to get results, when in reality, perfection has nothing to do with healing. Think of the programs as ‘grist to the mill.’ You might notice some improvement as you go, or maybe not right away — either is fine. The real shifts are happening quietly in the background, and they take time to settle in.