I have incredible rage

[hopeandhealing]

I have an enormous amount of rage. I would say I’m currently experiencing some sort of breakdown. I’m wondering what are some practical steps that can help.

I’ve been journaling and breaking things but this rage is triggered daily by my mother with whom I live. It’s a long story but I am also grieving the loss of a child and I blame her for a lot of that loss and for her lack of love and compassion.

I’m living in a nightmare. I could get out but my “physical” issues and fear are preventing me from considering my options. How can I move or change my situation when I feel this badly.

I literally could get in my car and leave. I have some money. Leave for the Grand Canyon, somewhere beautiful. But I am afraid because of my symptoms. I need to get out. I can get out. But I am trapped by rage, grief, and fear. I am in a rage for what happened to my baby, and for how I am trapped now. I hate that woman. My therapist has said she is a narcissist, but I’m not sure. Lacking in empathy and unstable herself, yes.

She told me that I have the choice to kill myself, and she’s made excuses for my ex who turned out to be a sexual predator. It’s almost as if she is a rape-apologist. Blaming me for the sexual assaults I experienced as well.

I come from a very educated, cosmopolitan family but one would think this is a Jerry Springer show.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Oh, @hopeandhealing, I am so sad and so sorry. You have suffered more losses and more betrayals than anyone should have to bear.

I don't have to tell you about the ultimate tragedy of losing your child. What you may not be processing, because your brain is trying to protect you from this, are the losses you suffered at the hands of the man who betrayed and abandoned you. That's one.

But that's not all. The first, and most significant loss you ever experienced was probably longer ago, and it's one that you have been suffering ever since, at the hands of your mother, who has completely betrayed her implicit commitment to love, nurture, and protect you when she brought you into this world.

You are experiencing a profound amount of abandonment, having been abandoned by your spouse, by your parent, and, most tragically, by your child.

Your brain is desperate to protect you from this knowledge, because to allow yourself to know it and really feel it would have been a death sentence in the dangerous primitive world. In other words, your brain thinks that it's much better to stay put (as you're doing) and to be filled with rage, because supposedly that will keep you safe.

The reality is that acknowledging the deepest causes of the rage is what will set you free.

I'm not much for praying, but my prayers, such as they are, are with you

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi hopeandhealing,

I am touched by your situation. Your rage is rightful, and well placed. Probably very healing to feel it.

I am concerned that you might hurt yourself or others in expressing this rage.

I suggest you order a whiffle bat, plastic, like kids use for baseball, and practice "anger meditation" daily. Set a timer for 5 minutes to assist in "staying with it." Place a pillow in front of you, which can represent your mother. Beat her with all the energy of your body. Good time to ignore any symptoms/worry about your physical self, and just feel and express the energy of your rage. At the end, stand or sit for one to two minutes sensing into your body. Then journal if you like, maybe directly writing to your mother, God, or others expressing your disappointment, hurt and rage. These objects of your rage have to listen with this kind of work. It is healing.

Breaking things and living with your object of rage is not healthy nor safe --or any fun! Moving away, using a whiffle bat, and continuing with counseling is healthy. Your rage is important. Use it as fuel for separation and aliveness, deeper understanding, and connect your anger explorations to your TMS symptoms. Even as we feel pretty safe expressing anger, for most of us, especially TMSers, it is still not fully OK. That is why regular, safe practice is helpful.

Wishing you the best, and confirming your need to express healthy anger in your situation, safely.

Andy

 

[JanAtheCPA]

I just edited the last part of my post - I realized that it didn't say what I intended to say! Sorry!

 

[Circle]

That's incredibly rough, my friend. I'd suggest a substantial change in circumstances because it sounds like what you've got at the moment is not helping you. If that's not possible, maybe you can go to a gym with a boxing class or find a sandbag somewhere, get some boxing gloves and bash the crap out of it to get that cathartic release of anger. I found having a conversation at home in the shower, talking as though to the person I was angry with about my issues, helped me get some of those feelings out. Maybe you can find some way to release your frustration and anger that won't make things worse. Just acknowledge your rage and let it go in a safe location.

 

[hopeandhealing]

Do I need to figure out a way to improve my circumstances before I can get better?

I have burning and cold sensations on my left arm, cold arm, sweaty hand, patch of allodynia...definitely notice it gets worse with stress and I feel stressed out here almost all the time.

But I can’t figure out why it’s affecting me so much. Why can’t I just feel better and not be affected?

Oh and I’m also tapering a Benzodiazepine. I would like to hear the thoughts of @Dorado...

Year from hell. I don’t very much want to go on.

Thank you everyone.

 

[Dorado]

@hopeandhealing, I am so deeply sorry for your losses and the situations you have been through. I can't think of a single person on this planet who wouldn't feel incredible rage.

I have burning and cold sensations on my left arm, cold arm, sweaty hand, patch of allodynia...definitely notice it gets worse with stress and I feel stressed out here almost all the time.

But I can’t figure out why it’s affecting me so much. Why can’t I just feel better and not be affected?

I have posted about each of these symptoms and experienced them with severe intensity - they were ultimately what caused me to bounce around from hospital to hospital, even flying out of state in a total panic. I overcame every single symptom, but it wasn't as easy as telling myself to not be affected. I had to fully accept that they were created by the mind-body connection and start fully living my life without fear. It was very important for me to recognize that they were only temporary and a normal part of being a living being - we all experience some degree of mind-body symptoms.

Additionally, I had a cognitive behavioral therapist help me accept my feelings and recognize them as 100% normal and understandable after past traumas. My mother had actually spent years trying to tell me that it was okay to feel broken after the traumas and that I should be much more compassionate and sympathetic toward myself, but I needed someone to help me truly get to that place. I never engaged in physical self-harm, but I realized I was hurting myself emotionally by expecting perfection and then resenting myself for not simply bouncing back right away. The therapist also helped me identify the individual pieces of my rage as positive reflections of my values and what matters most to me. For example, I realized I value fairness, justice (this was a huge one for me when dealing with some extensive family problems), not spreading misinformation, etc. These techniques allowed me to reframe my situation, view myself as a valid human as opposed to some off-the-handle person, and cope much better so I could move on. I am so grateful for that therapist.

Has your therapist been working with you on coping mechanisms? It is okay for it to take some time to feel better.

Do I need to figure out a way to improve my circumstances before I can get better?

Life is never going to be perfect. It is completely possible for your symptoms to improve even when things still feel difficult. I understand that it's not always possible or ideal to change everything about one's circumstances today. For me, the cognitive behavioral therapy was a game changer. I also engaged in just a minute or two of mindful meditation and breathing exercises a day, and made it a priority to do something I loved daily. It could have been petting my cat and hearing her sweet purr, eating a piece of dark chocolate, going for a walk in my city while listening to soothing music, etc. My circumstances weren't totally ideal, but I was calming my nervous system down and thriving.

Based on what you've posted here, I do believe that if it is possible for you to get some space from your mother, that will help you in the long run. But not everything has to be done right away and there are ways to soothe the nervous system without completely switching up your circumstances in a single day.

That said, it might be putting pressure on you to wait to change your circumstances after your symptoms improve. This is when it's critical to accept the mind-body connection as a normal part of life that we all experience (whether it's a simple eye twitch when you're angry, full-blown fibromyalgia or CRPS after a horrible year, etc.) - the symptoms WILL go away.

Oh and I’m also tapering a Benzodiazepine. I would like to hear the thoughts of @Dorado...

Tapering off a medication can also cause one to feel even more stress - this is normal. Are you working with a doctor? The symptoms will pass, but be easy on yourself and go at the pace that is right for you. Please stay off any withdrawal forums.

Year from hell. I don’t very much want to go on.

I understand so deeply how that feels. People do want to go on - it's in our nature and engrained in our nervous systems to keep going on - we just want our pain to end. You deserve to keep going on and feel better. Please know you are not alone and that we are here for you. So many of us came from a place of total despair, only to go on to live better lives that we never even knew were possible.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Beautiful post Dorado.