I don't want to put people off when I post something negative

I'm at the back end of the SEP program.

I've taken it on wholeheartedly and believe in the theory, and every day I meditate on Dr Sarno's 12 Daily Reminders before I start doing work on the SEP (although lots of days the 12 reminders is the only work I do).

However, in terms of overcoming the pain I would say it has become worse since I started, not better.

For instance, I didn't have trouble walking before this, whereas now I'm verging on walking with a limp with every step I take with my left leg, as it's really tight and painful around my left hip.

I'm aware that the pain gets worse before it gets better, and that some people take a lot longer to get better, e.g.. Steve Ozanich thought it took him 15 months while many others on the forums say it took them at least six months.

So I imagine I'm one of these 'long haul' recoverers. Which is fine.

But I can't help getting filled with doubts, usually when I just want a bloody break from the pain or when it interferes with my work (I get pain from sitting, and my work requires long periods of sitting).

I'm reluctant to express these frustrations here, and especially on the SEP forum because I don't want to put doubt into the minds of the people behind me, some of whom may potentially be those people who recover quickly.

But if I don't express it, I think I can feel resentment building up. If I don't say anything, couldn't it be another form of repression?

And I've wondered about that - TMS is all about repressed rage. Couldn't some of the rage I'm repressing be about talking all this positive stuff on the forums (which I do), but secretly being angry at not only the program, the people who advise me that "you're doing great, everything's going to be alright" but also myself for saying one thing, but fearing another (i.e. that it's not working, it bloody hurts etc).

I really don't want to appear ungrateful, there are a lot of people who I know give up their time for nothing to give advice that I am very thankful for. But this has been nagging at me.

PS. It's not all negative. Even though I said the pain has gotten worse, my psychological state has definitely improved. Not so much that I am happier - that isn't my goal. Just that I'm more aware of my reactions and inner world and am starting to give myself more credit and not punishing myself for being who I am. So there is a silver lining to this cloud.

 

Yeah. Isn't it interesting to realise that the thing you learn about yourself is how oblivious you become to your own bullshit? The boon of TMS healing is that all the emotional work serves to hoist a big red flag that declares I am in conflict because I am not being myself so I will try to be myself by trying to be this emotional Olympic athlete and as well as people-pleasing in my real life I shall now people-please tms'ers and I shall ponder on why I feel awful, conflicted and in pain.

How exhausting. We heal when we turn around and face all this stuff down. And when that fails, try humour.



Dr. Schu said that people who don't suffer pain are selfish. I carried that rock around for awhile and then traded it for a gem; being a martyr is not the polar opposite of being selfish and being authentic does not equate with yielding to every mindless impulse at the cost of everyone else. Healing is about integration. We are darkness and light, sugar and spice, naughty and nice. Let yourself out.

Peace.

Plum x

 

Hi
Well i wanted to let you know that I really appreciated your comments to me last night about my lingering TMS pain. It's normal to have doubts. I have doubts despite the overwhelming evidence that I have TMS, I wish I could just wish my pain away, but it doesn't work like that. I am finally understanding that I have a lot of work to do with my inner child to comfort him.
Hang in there and keep posting you're thoughts are much appreciated!

 

Hi SME61, glad to be of service!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts about doubts too. Doubt can be a real demon in my experience. It's like a wrecking ball. Sometimes I think to myself "hmmm, I'm feeling happy at the moment" and immediately I'll sense doubt on the periphery of my consciousness that soon materialises as a new thing to worry about, ending the short peace I may have stumbled upon. I've always wanted to wipe doubt from existence, but I think I'm realising that leaving doubt be and allowing it to exist is the answer, and may diminish its power over me. Expecting a doubtless mind is another form of perfectionism. Now I just need that belief to sink in without any doubt!
Good luck with your inner kid, do something nice for him.

 

Thanks Plum, as always for your wise words.
So it sounds like you're saying it's a good thing I'm bringing this up? I have to admit, after I wrote that and went off to work, the background pain seemed a lot less, which was a nice change.
I've not really identified strongly with the goodist personality type, but perhaps I've just got one aspect of it. I'm not one of those altruistic types that are forever volunteering their labour and time to help out when they really don't want to, like some have reported in these pages. In fact, I'm very good at shirking these things. But one thing I do have is wanting to never hurt people at all costs, always being conscious that the wrong interpretation of my words could hurt someones feelings, make them angry or god forbid, not like me! So I think that's what I was getting at - it was a long winded way of saying, is it ok if I tell the truth? Often my posts go in this format: Whinge, whinge, whinge, whinge....apology.
Also, I'm trying to interpret Dr Schu's words you paraphrased. People who don't suffer pain are selfish. Selfishness has always been a negative thing for me, something I'd hate to be seen as. My mum used to say it to me after my parents broke up - "You're being selfish, just like your father." (The truth is, he was and is selfish, but it's not all he is). So getting back to Dr Schu's words, is he saying that to be pain free, you need to be selfish? And selfishness is not a bad thing?
Or is he saying that pain is universal among good people, only the wicked are painless. So don't feel bad about being in pain (Sounds crazy, but it's how how I initially read it).
I really enjoyed that video but I must confess I don't know that comedian! I'm surprised because I love the 60s as a period in history (I was born at the end of it) and I really like his anti-establishment, counterculture views (I watched a best of video on youtube).
Hope it's getting warmer over your part of the world ;-)

 

Yes, I'd say so and it clearly helped you so it's something to reflect upon.

The same here. There is much about the classic TMS personality that really doesn't fit me at all however over time I have come to recognise certain nuances of myself that correlate well. I see a lot of my own traits in what you say. It does well to be flexible in our understanding and interpretation of Sarno's writings.

Yes, it is absolutely ok to tell the truth. Ultimately our healing rests upon our garnering the courage and compassion to be authentic and to be kind and mindful in our evolution of this. For most of us this involves learning to tolerate the tension of feeling and expressing our 'negative' emotions; anger, sadness, guilt and shame being the most obvious.

Dr. Schu (Schubiner) was citing a case study in his book 'Unlearn Your Pain' that concerned a woman who was expected to cook, clean and generally care for not only her immediate family but in-laws too. I can't recall all the details because I read it years ago but the woman desperately wanted her own life but cultural expectations deemed to the contrary. The notion of self-sacrificing vs. selfishness stayed with me. Steve O discusses elements of this within a chapter dealing with sensitivity and psychopathy but again I read his book years ago so details are hazy, but it is more food for thought.

Are you familiar with Abraham-Hicks? Fascinating, invigorating, challenging insights on how we create our own reality (including pain and illness). They are not for everyone but their words on selfishness may help you shakedown your feelings and experiences around it, especially given your history. There are oodles of uploads on YouTube so be sure to include selfishness in your search words if you want to explore them a little.

Such a fabulous period of history. I'm Generation X so I was born into the legacy rather than the hub but I love it, particularly the music. George Carlin is my second favourite comedian. I discovered him quite late too but love him and his rebellious stance. It really jibes with me and is actually very healing for those of us who live unconventional lifestyles. Again this suggests another viewpoint from which to muse on selfishness. For someone like me who needs great swathes of freedom I appreciate it may look different from another's perspective.

It's lovely here. Nature is frothy with blossoms and the sun shines gently. As day turns to night we have some rain which I am sure makes the flowers happy.

How is your part of the world?

 

Hi Plum, I've been meaning to reply but Easter busyness and all that, plus I'm taking a couple of weeks off work so I'm lying around being kind to myself and not working on the program as conscientiously because well, I'm good at not doing what I'm supposed to be....

But what I did want to say is, funny that you mentioned both Steve O and Abraham-Hicks. As it turns out I'm slowly making my way through Steve O's book The Great Pain Deception. I'm taking it as slowly as possible because I don't want it to end, and it feels like it's doing good stuff when you hold the book in your hands and take it in...so I don't want it to be a memory just yet.

Anyway, you mentioned Abraham-Hicks. On the very page that I read after reading your post, Steve O had an asterisked footnote that started "The Law of Attraction aka The Teachings of Abraham is the phrase introduced by Esther and Jerry Hicks. Its basic premise is that the solutions to life are always available to us from the infinite energy of the universe...." How strange, eh, that you should mention this and I see it almost instantly (granted, we narrow down the chances a bit as we're talking on a forum devoted to TMS, but still...)

If you were to believe this way of thinking you'd say the very act of you recommending it and me receiving it is an example of the universe returning an answer to the vibrations I've put out there, even if the vibrations did run along fibre optic cables deep under the sea...

I'd love to believe that was true, but I do tend to side towards skepticism. However, I'm interested to have a closer look at their work. Maybe it's not meant to be taken as scientific, but more how we like to make sense of the world and random events in the form of stories, which I DO believe in.

As for the 60s, my love for that period is also because of the music - in fact my moniker is taken from one of my favourite Hendrix songs.

The weather here is magic - the most liveable seasons here are autumn and spring because it's warm, but not scorchio! like it gets in summer. The way you describe the weather there sounds very Japanese!

Thanks again for your recommendations. I once followed a link you left to a past thread where you recommended to that person some books on sounds true - the Rick Hanson one and then I started looking for some of my own and found a nice one by Tara Brach.

 

dumb question but what is the SEP program. I am new on this site.

 

Hi Kylie it's the Structured Education Program - a six week course in which you learn about TMS and how others have recovered as well as journal about yourself in three areas: past events, present stresses and personality traits.

Here's a link to it.

It's free and gets you on the road to recovery if not fully recovered.