Day 10 How I'm doing so far

[Hugh]

So far I've made great progress with my mind and emotions. I have been recognizing that there are some significant emotional factors that are all contributing to my TMS. I spent about 5 hours yesterday journaling thr0ugh the stressful, anxious, lonely, and isolating time that preceded my TMS symptoms. I am starting to see times and places where I began to shut down feeling certain emotions such as anger and anxiety and see that my fight to overcome these issues was simply a time of stuffing them into my body.

I have had some pains shift around the past couple days, with a new sharp pain in a new place in my upper-low back. I know this is typical and gives me more confidence in the diagnosis. One obstacle I continue to face is that the diagnosis just seems too freaking good to be true. I keep thinking this is great, but where is reality. One part of me is gung-ho knowing that all these repressed emotions (yes I'm realizing I'm not the saint I thought I was and that I feel some intense "negative" emotions) have got to be doing something to my body, but its very hard to imagine my life without pain. How did you guys do it? Is it just focusing on the hope that other people have done it and kept pushing on despite having pains? I mean I see that my ego does not want to explore all these feelings, but man, this is hard! Still exploring, unearthing, and allowing things to surface. Fighting against it all is slowly going away.

 

[Susan]

Hugh,

Keep at it. You are definitely on the road to greater self awareness and healing.

For me, early in the journaling process and while still very symptomatic, as the pain moved around I could identify who in my past,or current life a particular symptom belonged. When I worked on Mom or other females, I would get a lot of pain in my left lower back. Could not bend or twist it was so bad. When those pains left, I knew I had done well in my journaling, actual anger release through screaming, yelling, or whatever oral dialogue I used to get out the rage. Schubiner's book has some good dialogue therapeutic examples. I had been through therapy earlier and understood the process.

I also had to deal with getting I touch with some very ugly memories and emotions that I really did not want to face because of my ego. I pressed on and I find I am much more accepting of myself as an imperfect human being than I was when I started this process. All of us have these buried negative parts to us. One of the most wonderful playoffs to doing this work is greater self acceptance and learning how to be kind to myself instead of the old default of beating myself up all the time.

All of the self discovery takes time and is so worth it. Your pain will diminish and eventually be gone. Read the Success Stories, reread Sarno, read Ozanich and you will stay inspired.

Take care of yourself.

Susan

 

[Hugh]

Thank you Susan, definitely very encouraging! I have been finding that the more I journal and allow myself to go into some of these memories a lot of language and "negative" feelings come out in my writing that I would never deem as allowable in my language. Is this what everyone is talking about by repressed emotions? Actually writing out and feeling/seeing/experiencing these deeply negative feelings towards situations? I feel like I am getting relief by writing how I am really feeling about situations, but want to make sure I'm on the right track.

I just got Ozanich's book and have been listening to Sarno's books on tape over and over. It helps to visualize that once I stop beating up on myself that I will slowly heal.

 

[Susan]

Hugh,

Yes, all those dark thoughts and emotions your unconscious is trying to keep you from noticing is what the pain's purpose is. Where I have landed now is a feeling of joy in learning how ragefull and negative I can be. It is freeing. We do not have to act on those scary thoughts and emotions other than journaling, orally processing or working with a therapist. We all have the full range of emotions in us. Our parents did a great job of helping us develop into acceptable members of society instead of psychopaths insome respects. It's just that I wish I had been taught it was ok to be angry in certain circumstances but my parents would not have allowed that and we're probably raised in the same way with the same admonitions as they gave me.

I also feel a deep sense of compassion for others now that I did not have six months ago. I cannot and will not be perfect any longer in my own sense of self so how can I expect perfection of anyone else? I am still a good person but without the impossible pressure to be better than others.

Take care.

Susan