I think it has taken me years to realize the depths of my pain. And as someone has mentioned about themselves, my sadness and anger didn’t come from one or two horrific events, but came from years of smaller sad and untenable situations. I’ve been told I bury my pain and it’s probably expressing itself physically. I worry, since the pain is strange and unyielding, but I feel this worry is a contributing factor to furthering my anxiety and pain.
Sweetheart,
The exact same experience is true for me and is probably true for most people here. We have buried the daily bruisings because in themselves they seem insignificant or petty but the culmination of this is TMS. It’s a poor relational pattern that has become ingrained, and it impacts not only our interpersonal relationships but most damningly, upon the relationship between our mind and our body.
This is why we need to gently look back at our past, to determine the reactive patterns set in motion, and then bringing that wisdom into our present, learn to nurture or reparent ourselves. In essence this boils down to intimate self-care. Not “me-time” and bubble baths, though such things are vital in their own way, but in terms of learning how to tend to ourselves emotionally. We need to learn how to soothe our own tears, calm our anger, rejoice in our joy. We have to allow ourselves to experience and express our emotions. We need to learn to trust them, and that it is safe to do so.
When we don’t feel safe and grounded in our body we are unable to feel never mind express our emotions. It is this very real, very tangible sense of safety that heals us.
I came to see this with great clarity over this last year which had been the most brutal, yet most powerfully healing layer of all. Now my devotion is to this deep, inner sense of safety and the peace, stillness and gratitude it gifts me with.
To this end I embrace healing disciplines. I practice EFT (or tapping) every single day on any issue that arises. I also spend ten minutes meditating (at a minimum) to entrain my body~mind. I swim and indulge in long jacuzzi sessions because my body adores it. I do Yin yoga because it reaches deep into my emotional self and leaves me feeling whole and beautifully serene. These practices are all in sharp contrast to the panic, fear and anxiety that drove me for years.
I had to (am having to) go into the narcissistic abuse I suffered, to look clearly at it and see the damage it has wrought, so that I may repair it. I’m not turning incidents and occasions over in my mind endlessly and I’m not journaling them to death. I’m standing at a remove, examining them and then noting what the healthy response should have been at the time. My self-esteem was decimated incrementally and I am rebuilding my sense of self-worth. A large part of this is validating my emotions
and the sensations of my body.
I cannot emphasise enough how important this is. This is where Somatic Tracking and Cognitive Soothing come into play. Irrespective of the method(s) we choose and use to heal, we must feel our feelings but no longer be terrorised by them. We must learn to reign in our fearful minds and the wretched, merciless inner dialogue and replace it with kindness, again and again.
Worry is a contributing factor and is simply another word for anxiety. These states only serve to ratchet up the internal pressure and maintain the tension. Remember TMS isn’t the pain/anxiety/worry/weird sensations we feel but rather our preoccupation with them. It’s the tyranny of fearful thoughts that are the real TMS.
Sending you love,
Plum x
