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How do you regain love for yourself after you've been abandoned?

Discussion in 'General Discussion Subforum' started by Homestead Hermit, Apr 11, 2018.

  1. Homestead Hermit

    Homestead Hermit Peer Supporter

    I've been watching many of Steve Ozanich's videos (love him!) lately and I had some a-ha moments when he was discussing how we all have fear of abandonment even if we have not been physically abandoned. That fear always exists.

    In recent years I've struggled to create my "tribe," to find those people who I can depend on and share with and allowing toxic relationships to fall away or end them myself. It's probably the hardest thing I've done in my life. But it was something I had to do to preserve and re-create some happiness in my life and realize I'm worthy of people who treat me well.

    But I still haven't been able to create or find my tribe, still have very people in my life who accept me as I am. I've tried to focus on the few people in my life (most are long distance), to be grateful for them. Have even tried finding the silver lining in being alone. But it all goes back to having many loved ones equals being loved and accepted - if I don't have people in my life there must be something wrong with me (when I was diagnosed with depression years ago, which luckily I don't suffer from nearly as bad these days, the doctor even told me I needed more friends, which, at the time, I had a very large, wonderful tribe.)

    In relation to TMS, this self-doubt, of course, makes my TMS flair up and it's just a cycle of trying to believe I'm worthy of love in order to reduce my symptoms and back to my "evidence" of not having "enough" people in my life must mean I'm not worthy (I KNOW the former is true, but it sure can be a challenge when the evidence is not there).
    Lily Rose and Ewok2 like this.
  2. Homestead Hermit

    Homestead Hermit Peer Supporter

  3. Dorado

    Dorado Beloved Grand Eagle

    Everyone gets abandoned at some point in their life - it’s nature. Some of us experience it more and “worse” than others, but separation happens to us all.

    I’ve had lots of other people abandon me throughout my life, including many friends. But it doesn’t mean I’m unlovable, and it doesn’t mean I’m the only one it’s happened to. I always felt inadequate, but then I started focusing on things that made me feel good about myself, reminding me of just how awesome I can be.

    What makes you feel good?
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 3, 2018
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  4. Homestead Hermit

    Homestead Hermit Peer Supporter

    @Caulfield thank you so much for sharing your story (although it made my heart ache for what you've been through...why do people have to lie?) I think you have very good advice when you say to just do what makes you feel good, what you enjoy and focus on that.
  5. Boo1

    Boo1 Newcomer

    It is necessary to surround yourself people which make you happy. But sometimes it takes a long time to find them. I wish you good luck in creating your"tribe".
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  6. Lily Rose

    Lily Rose Beloved Grand Eagle

    When we moved to this community to be near my Mom (who has health problems), I came with my guitars (and equipment), piano & keyboard, and Native flute, and had no one to 'play' with. I only knew one person (my Mom's neighbor who is one of my best friends). Through her, I met a woman who wanted to learn music. We began meeting once a week. Then one of her friends wanted to learn. Six years later, we now have a women's music circle that sometimes numbers up to ten, though usually the core group remains at 4 to 7. And they occasionally bring guests (who are interested in music or musicians themselves). They have become my Tribe.

    I am not a great musician, nor am I a strong singer. But I am a really good teacher.

    Sometimes you have to take the initiative and build your Tribe around a single, central theme that can link you. Music. Art. Gardening. Whatever it is that you have to offer, then share it with one person who expresses interest. Set a day aside for this magical and nurturing offering. Amazing things can stem from this.

    One of our group is a woman in her 70's. She now plays guitar. And just recently she started piano lessons with me. Another was convinced she couldn't sing and it took me months to get her to let her voice out. Now she is a bold singer (more bold than me!). Another now plays the keyboard while she sings (she has a natural talent, so she just needed encouragement). The list goes on. Each woman has her own story of her deep insecurities. Our circle is a sacred and safe place for each of us to be ourselves.

    BE what you seeking in others. And then offer to teach/share your time and heart for whatever interest you have.

    Life is short, and we cannot recapture the lost moments that get eaten up by fears and anger and doing things we hate because we think we have to. There are always options and alternatives. It is up to us open our minds far enough to see beyond our self-imposed limitations.

    You can do what ever you believe you can do.

    .... with Love and Gratitude :)
  7. Homestead Hermit

    Homestead Hermit Peer Supporter

    @Lily Rose that's wonderful advice and I've thought of trying that many times, to offer to teach others what I know (and I have done it to some degree, like teaching others to can and garden).

    One of the biggest challenges I've found deals with communication. I went through years where I would initiate the conversation or ask to get together (and this was challenging as I'm quite shy, but I did it). People would seem interested and excited. I sometimes would get one friend "date" out of them. Sometimes none. And it all stemmed from the other person being too busy, not returning my call/Facebook message/e-mail, getting together with new people just never seemed to work out :( I got tired of trying so hard to make friends and not working out I just accepted it and focused on my own life. I'd even go to classes or workshops or discussion groups and nothing ever stuck if I tried to take it further and create a friendship. So, that's where I am....My brain and body are just too tired to try anymore. The most frustrating thing is I never had these issues when I was younger, it was effortless to make and do things with friends. People didn't cancel plans, stand me up, not return calls. Part of me feels like I must just be clueless when it comes to making and keeping friends - it would appear everyone is enjoying a social life by the appearance of social media.
    Lily Rose likes this.
  8. Lily Rose

    Lily Rose Beloved Grand Eagle

    I, perhaps, should have added another aspect to my story. I did not care if I 'made friends'. I wanted to share music, and the joy of it, and have an outlet for my own practice. The others are responsible for their own priorities. They either come or they don't. I put no ties or expectations on them. Often one will start to say why they weren't there or why they need to leave early and I repeatedly tell them they are free to come or go as they please. The very act of removing expectations from people often draw them back for more. And through this freedom of lacking expectations, relationships are healthier.

    Human psychology can be a bit odd (understatement!). When you are indifferent or casual, you become more 'interesting'. This has been an unfortunate side-effect for me, as I mostly avoid people. It sometimes makes me get more attention than I want. The other aspect of this is that people often sense when someone 'needs' something from them. Since I don't in any way appear to need anyone, and I'm perfectly comfortable by myself, it adds to the 'draw'.

    As for social media ..... that is a dangerous place. I stopped using FB because it was crushing me into such depression. Emotions come and go, and expressing every single one of them at every single moment locks people into their own dramas. It is an atmosphere of chaos. While there are positive aspects to it, and good causes to follow, it is also emotionally draining.

    There is a difference between lonely and being alone.

    You've mentioned not being worthy, and also self hate. These are dark demons that many carry within themselves. The more you feed them, the more powerful they get. Battling them directly often results in more distress. The main way I have found to battle them is simply this: Don't Feed the Beasts. Instead, ignore them. Deliberately focus on other things. Notice the sky, the feel of the breeze, a pleasant scent. Listen. And listen some more. Not to the mechanical things in our homes and outside, but to the chimes in the wind, the birds, the snoring of your dog (if you have one!), the way the light is streaming through the window (ignore the dust! or notice it is actually kinda pretty ;) ). Find something about yourself that you like. One thing. Then another. Then another.

    You weren't born hating yourself. That was learned from outside events that were more powerful than you. But now ... you are questing. You are seeking more. You realize the untruth, but it is hard work to unravel all that. It will take time. And you ARE powerful now. You are far more powerful than you can even imagine.

    Today, I am wearing my Faerie wrap skirt (a gift from my aunt from Etsy), and a colorful wire magical armband (I make these). Wind chimes are singing, I am breathing deeply, a fire is going in the wood stove and providing a lovely view and even more lovely warmth. I am creating my own magic and dressing the part. (I love to dress up, and I do it most days).

    You are your own Goddess! You a worthy and whole and powerful. Even in your darkest moments, you are powerful. It is okay to cry, to rage, and it is okay to raise up your arms, even with tears on your face, and say to the Universe "I am LOVE".

    ... with Love and Gratitude <3
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  9. Homestead Hermit

    Homestead Hermit Peer Supporter

    @Lily Rose I can't even begin to tell you how much your words have affected me :) I KNOW they are true...and they are TRUE for EVERYONE (if only they would go on that quest that you speak of...I've been on it my whole life and, although at times I feel like I haven't gained an inch, I know I've grown in many ways).

    I know this is true...it's the only way one can be. I know I must stop going back and forth between what my heart tells me (which is what you say, to just be happy as I am) and what society says (that one MUST be surrounded by people, at all times, or else something is wrong with them). I've heard it said the source of all negative expectation is EXPECTATION. I believe that to be true, as you say. I want to keep your words in my mind and heart as I go through my days, to just be happy with myself, by myself. And if people come into my life, great! If not, great!

    I, like you, are a Nature fanatic...the BIRDS are my best friends :) I have such spring fever I can't stand it and can't wait till the weather clears up enough to be outside for good!

    As I was saying in the thread about hobbies, I always discounted all those things "between events" thinking those are not life (all the things on social media are because everyone else says they are). But when I read your words and all the things you love (which I love, too...including my dog dreaming and snoring, lol, and the dust mites in the sunlight), I feel so much peace. I know those things are true. And if I could just let go of everything the outside world tells me is right (but in my heart I know is not right for me), I think I could be at peace, too (as well as get rid of TMS symptoms).

    Thank you SO MUCH for your kind words...they have given me so much INSPIRATION :)
    Lily Rose likes this.
  10. Lily Rose

    Lily Rose Beloved Grand Eagle

    It is a lovely way to start the day with such a beautiful response<3

    You might do some research on herd-mentality and mob-mentality. You are exactly describing your resistance to it. Keep resisting! From our birth, we are 'trained' to fit in. We are put in schools that force conformity. The list goes on.

    You might also do some research on emotional empaths, and even physical empaths. Some people have more active mirror-neurons, which heightens our responses to the energies around us. This is one reason why being around people can be so draining.

    Nature soothes, because the energy emanating from all that is 'natural' is healing.

    And for some really vibrant, gritty, healing inspiration .... look up Tanya Markul/Thug Unicorn. Her words ground me in such powerful ways.

    Here is one example of her writings:

    ... Exhale deeply and completely.
    Because you are already beautiful.
    Because you are already enough.
    ...Inhale fully.
    Because you are already powerful.
    Because you are already genius.
    ... Exhale deeply and completely.
    Because you are already blazing.
    Because you are already heaven.
    ...Inhale fully.
    Because you are already holy.
    Because you are already magic.
    ..... Tanya Markul

    We are born into this world, and then we are smothered by conflicting expectations and often terrible traumas.

    It takes relentless practice and infinite patience (something I have to work on!) to unravel those burning chains.

    And the worst expectations are the ones we put on ourselves.

    Birds ... they are my husband's love, too. Across the street is the River, and on a tall tree is the Osprey nest. He has a perfect view of it from his 'nap' couch. The binoculars are always on hand. We also have Bald Eagles. I'm very fond of the Turkey Vultures. They are extremely useful and perform an essential service to our environment. And, of course, the bossy Hummingbirds, the chattering Jays, Robins and, Quail, Thrushes, Swallows, Geese, Hawks, Falcons .... oh to fly! Wouldn't that be the most marvelous sensation? :)

    Feel free to share a photo of your canine companion. This is Lucy. She is ten. We adopted her when she was six. She had been abandoned three times before we got her, so she has some anxiety issues, and her skin and hair was in a bad way. I make her food from locally raised meat and organic vegetables and herbs. She is extremely healthy now. (I am a vegetarian, but my husband and Lucy require meat).


    Have a truly magical day!

    .... with Love and Gratitude <3

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