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How do you accept what you can't change?

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by frenchgazelle, Sep 27, 2017.

  1. frenchgazelle

    frenchgazelle Newcomer

    Some recent events in my life have caused a lot of stress. I am aware that the resurgence of various pains is linked to these stressful situation. But even knowing this, pain does not yield.

    My father is 80 years old; he's in a wheelchair, his mental health is deteriorating and I'm worried about him and my mother who cares for him at home. He's gonna get an MRI on his brain to diagnose Alzheimer. I feel completely helpless, but even by identifying this as an element that promotes the appearance of a TMS, the pain doesn't go down, other ones are even appearing.

    Every day, I look at my wonderful kids and my loving husband, and thank life for what I have…
    Still, I'm so angry of not being able to walk without pain and being in such a panic every time I feel deep pain and imagine I won't be able to walk again. Above all, I feel guilty because all my pains are nothings compared to my parent's situation, and yet they seem to take things as they come.
    I feel a very strong tension in me (my jaws are constantly tightened). I am constantly struggling with myself. I'ma afraid of creating myself new pains with all this tension.

    Have you experienced this feelings ? How do you manage to put things into perspective ?
    Lily Rose likes this.
  2. Baseball65

    Baseball65 Beloved Grand Eagle

    Yes. We have all had those feelings. We don't 'put them in perspective'...we have to find the truth about our experience which is that we RESENT our parents for being feeble, taking up our time, and we are ashamed of having those feelings....and TMS makes sure they stay there in the realm of the unconscious.

    I take care of my 87 year old Mom. She forgets stuff, she hides food in drawers, she hoards paper towels. This stuff Pisses me off. I can't act out on her like I would to say, a room mate? So The TMS appears to block me from the unacceptable feeling of anger at her for being so helpless
    Ellen likes this.
  3. karinabrown

    karinabrown Well known member

    Hi french,

    I can relate to all you mentioned.

    In the first place the fact that you have pain and walking is an issue.
    And second the parent problems.
    My mother is a widow and very fragile , 82 having healthproblems etc.
    Its hard to watch your parents get old and needy. A smart man once said : its even harder not getting to see that ‘
    Which is also true, but its hard.
    You feel helpless, quilty and like mentioned sometimes even angry.
    Ofcourse there is the fact that we are going to loose them (normally that’s the case) and this life fact is scarry.
    I already lost my dad and everything became different after that.
    I can also relate on the jaw thing.
    Feeling tension etc. And also then worried what all this tension will do

    Try breathing exersizes and muscle relaxing.
    And talk about it.
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2017
    Lily Rose likes this.
  4. Lily Rose

    Lily Rose Beloved Grand Eagle

    Beautiful FrenchGazelle .... You can be both thankful and devastated. You can be hopeful and fearful. You cannot compare your own issues to others. Each person experiences life in their own unique way. Your pain is no less valid or important than what any one else is going through.

    My Mom can make me crazy, but never do I resent her needs, nor her process of aging.

    This last Winter, we both took care of her mother through a long dying process. It was agony to see her in such pain, but taking care of her biological needs never provoked resentment. It is really not that much different than having a child. It is only our expectation of what they should be that can trip us up.

    Knowing what is causing our pain doesn't mean the pain will automatically stop. We must nourish our souls, and practice extra kindness to ourselves, and especially self-compassion and self-patience. Take some time for yourself, even if it only small moments. Many small moments are as helpful as one long session. Remind yourself you are doing all that can be done.

    Fear is the root of the TMS pain. Sometimes fear needs to be addressed gently and soothingly. Other times we must put on our Wonder Woman pose and stare back defiantly and remind ourselves of our own super-power. We can do this! You are so much stronger than you realize.

    Be Love. For those around you, and for yourself. Rather than getting angry at the pain, remember it is a reaction from fear. If a child was fearful, wouldn't you do what you could to help diminish that fear? Do that for yourself. Not in anger, but in Love. Delve deep. Snuggle with your pain and say "I hear you, I feel you, I love you." For me, this often reduces, at the very least, the level of the pain.

    You are Loved<3

    ..... with Love and Gratitude ^_^
    readytoheal, Ellen and westb like this.
  5. Ines

    Ines Well known member

    When your pain arises during stressful periods in your life I think all we can do is be aware of it. I try to practice what Ekhart Tolle says about pain body. I just watch it happen as if I'm floating next to myself. It's hard to not be disappointed that it's happening. It's really hard but nobody is perfect. Anyway, just witness it and be aware of it and I think by doing that you communicate to your subconscious that there is a mindbody connection and you are watching it happen. The more you do it the more it strengthens the belief of the mindbody connection and after time it loses power. At the same time have compassion for yourself.
    Ellen, westb and Lily Rose like this.
  6. frenchgazelle

    frenchgazelle Newcomer

    Hi all of you, thank you so much for your response!

    It really helps to known I'm not the only one who feels that way ! Sometimes, I used to think I I'm totally weird : that was before I discovered that wonderful forum !

    I followed your advices, by breathing exercices and mindfullness. It helped to calm down. And I also had good news, my father had his scan, he doesn't have Alzheimer's disease...Anyway he still is in decline. And it will be a long journey to accept this, and - as says Karinabrown - the perspective of his death. That is THE big thing, linked to my childhood, as I almost lost him when I was 6, because of his cerebrovascular accident.Maybe I'll first have to go back to this period to handle with what's happening now.
    Baseball, It's really harder to have the responsability of taking care of your old mother. In this case, expressing your anger and rage must be vital ?

    About the pain, as we always have to consult a doctor to make sure it isn't a real structural issue, I saw a physician, specialist of sports. She examined me well, and told me I had no structural injury, nor tendonitis, and that there was no reason to be fearful of walking, I should get back to sports, that would "save" me. That was exactly what I needed to hear to make my brain totally believe that my current pains are clearly due to TMS. I was awareof that, but , you're so right, Baseball65, "TMS makes sure they stay there in the realm of the unconscious."

    Thanks Ines for reminding be of Ekhart Tolle's book, I have it at home, it's time for me to read it again.

    All I keep from your posts (Lilyrose, your message that touched me very much) , is that self compassion is so important. I just took a look at the eighth day of Alan's Gordon's program, and the audio clip made me understand how much pressure I put on me, just trying to compensate all the time for my physical deficiencies. Well, why should I have to ? Lily Rose, you're right, after all, I deserve to love me as much as I love my family ( It sounds so selfish to write this !;)), that's probably the way to well-being.
    Ines and Lily Rose like this.
  7. karinabrown

    karinabrown Well known member

    Hi frenchgazelle,

    Just took the time to read your story.
    Strangly : could be mine: started of 5 years ago with the SI joint problems and pain. And then twisted my foot and ended up with extreme footpain.
    I had multiple faque diagnoses for that : tarsal, bursitis, even neuropathy.
    Orthodics etcetera mri, ultrasound.
    Two years ago i stopped the medical search on the footpain. Now doing better. Slowly walking more and more.

    The si joint seemed linked to it but never gotten realy confirmed. I spend a couple of years looking for the medical answers then decided to stop it.
    I never will know but shifted my attension on improvement, and that had been very helpfull.
    Not really ready to write my succes story because it shifted to other pains (had also the shoulder issues like you)
    But that’s Okay , also that ‘goal’ to get better etc shifted to the background and that is also key.

    You said ‘loving me as much as you love your family ‘ that’s important i think. Al this quilt, fear is taking tons of energy. Think about what you (we all) can do with al that energy?. Live a better life for sure.
    You asked in your post ‘how to accept what you cannot change ‘ i think it depends on what you mean : your parents getting old ? Or you not being able to walk.?
    On both out of experience i can say : i did never accept! But : try to live with it als good als possible. And maybe be gentle with yourself! If it would not effect you to see your parents hurt : then you would be a monster : so this means you are not. There is pain in living sadly. So maybe try not to push your self to be stronger etc. The breathing exersize helps me to keep the stress in my body a bit lower. You must take care of you as much as you take care of others. This is not selfish its needed for you and for others.
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2017
  8. frenchgazelle

    frenchgazelle Newcomer

    Hi Karinabrown,
    Indeed your story seems familiar to me ! Last year, when I had pain in my right foot that nobody could explain (it was red, but cold and not swelling), I thought it could be tarsal or neuropathy...but it was TMS.
    Today, I really had the clue that my current footpain was TMS : I spent all day painfree, I could walk again during 10 minutes, without even thinking about it. And then I called my sister, who gave me some news about my father, telling me that he's not able anymore to keep his toothbrush in his hand to brush his teeth himsself. That made me so sad, I cried agin after this call, thinking about my father and having the real impression that he's decling too fast. And then 10 minutes after, I felt the pain in my foot. First, I thought 'oh no, it's back again ! ' and then I understood that it was obvously linked to the emotions about my father. Of course, it does'nt mean that pain dissepears, but for me it's a huge path !

    The backgroud is the bottom of the iceberg for me. If cannot handle with what's happening in my life now, it's because of emotions I felt when I was a child, and those are the repressed emotions I'll have to reach.
    Trying not to push ourselves to be stronger is a very long journey, for those who feal weak and fragile, but it's a real key to accept that it's not always possible or even desirable to face the trials as if we were rocks ! When I was younger, I used to think I was a rock, I thought I was a resilient, but it was an appearance, there was a great emptiness in that rock. TMS are there to avoid facing this terrifying emptiness.
  9. karinabrown

    karinabrown Well known member

    Hi frenchgazelle,

    When i said : the goal to get better shifted to the background’ i meant :
    When you are dealing with pain wanting to get rid of it can become a complete life take over.
    Its logical and it happens to all of us.
    But at some point you get very tired of it too because all the time thinking , wondering etc exploring and linkin it all together is time you are not ‘living’are you? Its huge to understand that your foot hurts because of your father.
    I can recognize those flares too. Now i am learning (Thanks to this wiki) not to have feelings about my feelings’
    Meaning : when i am scared (because i fear loosing my mother etc) to notice that,maybe write about it talk about it. But : not judge myself that i have fear : in terms : i should be stronger, wiser , etc. When you dig into the why’s etc i have read here its not always neccesary.
    Lily Rose likes this.
  10. frenchgazelle

    frenchgazelle Newcomer

    You're right, it's not always necessary and as you says, it takes time to explore where the reactions come from.
    Anyways, some situations somteimes make us understand that we are strongly linked to a particular event of our story, and this trauma affects the present reactions, including emotional ones. And to get rid of overwhelming reactions, sometimes totally disproportionate, you have to understand what was is going on and where it comes from. Of course, doing that will not spike the pain. But it may help to calm down emotionnal issues.

    Digging into the past may not be necessary to get rid of the pain, but I have the feeling that's it's really important for me, as a way to feel better and to accept what's going on in my life.

    After reading your post, I continued to follow Alan Gordon's recovery Program, and that encouraged me to try to overcome my fear of hurting myself. I'ts very hard for me, I don't know which sport I could try to take slowly confidence in my body. If anyone has a an idea ?
    I walked half an hour without pain on sunday, with my husband and kids (of course in my head it was a constant struggle " hey, there's no pain for the moment, whaou ! Maybe it will come soon ? maybe I should stop now before the pain comes ? " I finished the walk painfree. The day after, I took up a great challenge, I decided to drive to the beach and to walk by myself, just for pleasure. Before leaving home, I already felt pain arising, without any reason but the threatening of what I had decided to do. Walking wasn't very pleasant, because pain was huge, some knives wounds in my ankle, like Andersen's little mermaid. But I decided to go on. And I'm quite proud of it ! Now, I walk a bit every day, even if I feel pain. I still have the doubt it could be something else than TMS, but as I could see here, I'm not the only one !

    I'm trying to find TMS books, or helpful books about pain, mindfulness and so on, written in french or with a french translation (I only found two of Dr. Sarno's books). If you have some titles to suggest, it would be great...

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