Answer
This is a tricky situation. On the one hand you want to take care of your own needs, but on the other hand you feel a sense of obligation to take care of your boss’ needs.
Learning to be assertive can be a trying process, but what I’d encourage you to consider is that assertiveness comes from our anger. When you recognize that someone is not treating you like you to deserve to be treated, it causes anger. With that anger, we can either stuff it down and ignore it, or do something productive with it. Sometimes “something productive” is exercise. Other times, it’s learning to stand up for yourself and assert those feelings of anger.
Let’s break this down into steps:
1. Allow yourself to feel angry. That doesn’t mean that you should explode or punch things - all it means is that you can give yourself permission to feel angry.
2. Ask yourself: How can I express these feelings in a positive way?
3. If asserting yourself is not the answer, then I’d encourage going for a run, to a yoga class, or working out at the gym.
4. If you are able to assert yourself, then think about what you might say to the person that made you feel angry.
If your anger persists, then perhaps it’s indicative of a bigger problem.
Here’s a story: Before my career as a psychotherapist, I worked at a talent management office in Burbank, CA. One of my bosses used to call me names (they weren’t horrible names, but it was still highly inappropriate), and because the job was in high-demand, for a long time I didn’t say anything to him. One day, he called me a name to my face and I decided that I’d had enough. I walked into his office, asked him if he’d sit down and talk to me, and told him that I wouldn’t put up with his unprofessional behavior anymore. He got angry with me, of course, and decided to leave for the day.
After that incident we didn’t speak much, and a month later he actually moved to a different company (for an unrelated manner). Two years later, at a business meeting, I ran into him. We made small talk for a couple of minutes before he said to me, “You know, I really hated you for sticking up for yourself that one day, but honestly, I have more respect for you than any other assistant I’ve worked with.”
So, there you have it. Asserting myself changed the way he treated me in the short term (he no longer called me names), and in the long run I changed the way that he thought about and treated his assistants.
In your particular situation, I might encourage you to practice your assertiveness in your personal life before you try it out in the workplace. Good luck!
Any advice or information provided here does not and is not intended to be and should not be taken to constitute specific professional or psychological advice given to any group or individual. This general advice is provided with the guidance that any person who believes that they may be suffering from any medical, psychological, or mindbody condition should seek professional advice from a qualified, registered/licensed physician and/or psychotherapist who has the opportunity to meet with the patient, take a history, possibly examine the patient, review medical and/or mental health records, and provide specific advice and/or treatment based on their experience diagnosing and treating that condition or range of conditions. No general advice provided here should be taken to replace or in any way contradict advice provided by a qualified, registered/licensed physician and/or psychotherapist who has the opportunity to meet with the patient, take a history, possibly examine the patient, review medical and/or mental health records, and provide specific advice and/or treatment based on their experience diagnosing and treating that condition or range of conditions.
The general advice and information provided in this format is for informational purposes only and cannot serve as a way to screen for, identify, or diagnose depression, anxiety, or other psychological conditions. If you feel you may be suffering from any of these conditions please contact a licensed mental health practitioner for an in-person consultation.
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