I hope I'm not coming across as recalcitrant here, but that is my forte ...
I thought that Sarno said that we don't have to actually solve all our problems or become serene individuals, but that we just need to recognize the trick that's being played here and then, the jig is - supposed to be, anyways - up.
I think I remember him saying something along the lines of "meditate, relax, sure ... but to what end?"
Relaxing is hard for me and always had been. I'm not by any means saying that I'm unwilling to work on it ... but do I really have to relax to get rid of my pain?
Thanks as always Plum,
Eskimo
Relaxation is our natural state of being. It's not something we do but something we are.
I wouldn't get too hooked on what 'Sarno said'. He was a great man but he wasn't a psychologist or a neurologist and his insights into those fields were limited. These limitations were my stumbling blocks for years and that's the key point of my story, kicking those ideas into touch. I followed what Sarno said, I followed the well-intentioned advice of zealots at TMShelp and I got worse, as unbelievable and wretched as that was.
So when I say I gave up on healing I mean I absolutely with every fibre of my being gave up. I resigned myself to suffering for the rest of my life. I indulged in suicidal ideation every day. I was in hell. I hadn't had any relief or diminishment of pain for years. I couldn't eat, drink, smile, brush my teeth...my life was ruined. I had no support, no help. I couldn't afford therapy. This forum was brand new and yet to escape the stranglehold of old school Sarno. All the advice seemed circular. All it did was give me another tour around the circle of hell.
Amidst all this I still had to care for my partner. Joining the baths was for his benefit. For me it represented yet another round of chores and frustrations. People with Parkinson's are full time members of the awkward squad. It's not their fault but their motor functions don't function and this is even harder to deal with when they are wet and cold. It's very stressful and wearing. And yet within this frustration, I began to experience pockets of nice feelings. The Jacuzzi on my back just felt good. The blue water of the pool was warm and inviting. I had these rare and precious moments for myself, and slowly, so very slowly it began to gain momentum.
Tragically this beautiful flower of hope was crushed by a man who stalked, harassed and finally sexually assaulted me. After he was arrested he was banned from the pool so I knew I could go there and not be afraid. My partner came too for a while but after the trial he decided it was too much for him. So I started to go alone and I swam and enjoyed the Jacuzzi. It took some time to relax about being there after what had happened. It's taken me 18 months to deal with the conditioned fear of using the spa and sauna area because that's where the assault occured. I mention all this so that you have an insight into the intensity of the situation I was in, how compromised and confusing everything was. My devotion to healing and my faith in the tiny, tiny window of relief the waters gifted me with kept me going.
It would have been so easy to give up. But then what? Unrelenting pain and misery? Or taking the leap of faith and trusting that the eeny, weeny tendrils of ease were worth exploring. I'm so glad I followed my heart. Over time I have come to derive great pleasure and solace from the baths. Mostly it brings down my tension levels but it also gifts me with movement and friendship too.
You say there are things that bring a measure of relief, a lull in your hell. You have to give yourself to these things and cease the self-sabotage and second guessing. There is no magic bullet. Healing is a crafting, unique to each of us. We take these small boons and insights and weave them into our day, into our thoughts, into our actions. On and on and on, moment by moment. Falling down and picking ourselves back up again and again.
I had a very bad flare-up yesterday. I was plunged back into the mind-set and the madness of TMS. But I know it is nothing more than a neural circuit that is a knot of pain, of certain thoughts, of certain beliefs, of memories and behaviours. I rested all day, my bleating nerve kept warm on a hot water bottle. I watched the charade. This morning I am better although not on form by any means. The obsessive negativity is gone again. It is that obsession, those ridiculous mindgames that are the real TMS. It is not the body that ails, it is the minds interpretation of the emotions. It's the endless self-absorption. It's the story you keep telling yourself. It's the grinding negativity. It's the way you are as tight as a nut. That is TMS. That is the Dragon to slay.
Every day I employ a host of non-Sarno approved methods to further my healing. Every day I use affirmations and visualisation to keep my head straight. Every day I choose to kick the addictive TMS demons into touch. The four people who mean the most to me are all disabled and between them and their various care needs there are a million ways of losing the plot. Having experienced a good many of them and consequently had ample opportunity to compile a nightmare cocoon of thinking due to it, I am crystal clear that thinking is the place to target. It is the preoccupation with negativity that is the problem. That is what you have to face down. It's a day to day thing. A moment by moment choice. The faith, the insights, the ease will come and go. Good days. Bad days. They come and go too.
Sarno didn't speak about courage and compassion either but those are two of the most powerful emotional states you need to nurture and from these you build resilience. I know full well how hard, how impossible it seems. I've lived through crushing moments where the choice was suicide or life. Life wins every time. It does get easier. The new neural circuitry gets stronger and stronger with practice and patience and time. The old pathways do fight back but it gets easier to shrug them off, to not indulge them anymore. And then one glorious day you feel at ease with yourself, and it is the most natural and beautiful feeling in the whole wide world. It feels like home and belonging and the soft animal of your body* profoundly relaxes into it.
Plum x
*Mary Oliver
