I'm sorry you are struggling so much,
@Beawake. To add to Baseball's compassionate advice, I have some thoughts.
I also noticed the many times you said "should" or some variation. I'm an expert at "should" myself. All TMSers are experts at "should". One of the earliest founding members of the wiki was well known, back in the day, for coming up with the reminder "Don't Should On Yourself!"
The antidote to "should" is baby steps. If you feel like you "should" get up and move, start by doing the littlest movement while sitting, like some arm lifts, just for a minute or two. Make this a game with your toddler! Do a few arm or leg or core exercises when you're in bed. When doing your household chores, do them mindfully, with extra attention paid to stretching a bit more, consciously using your arm muscles to lift, and visualizing how even housework is movement, and that it can get your blood moving. Give yourself positive credit for everything, no matter how small, and celebrate the fact that you can still do these things, no matter how small.
Moving on to the bigger picture: changing your brain is all about perception, right? I know you know this because you've been experiencing success. It's all about the messages you WANT to tell yourself, rather than believing the negative messages that your primitive brain wants you to believe. It's important to understand that from an evolutionary/survival point of view, the negative messages have a real-life purpose: they are designed to keep you in fear, so that you are constantly worried, and constantly on edge, so that you will keep yourself "safe". But safe from what? The thing is that your primitive brain has no idea what safety means in the modern world - it still thinks that if you go outside you might get eaten by a sabre-tooth tiger, whereas most of our modern "dangers" are pretty intangible (eg: success, relationships) and a lot of them are "what-ifs". Many physical dangers from the past have been mitigated thanks to modern technology. But then 2020 came along. In 2020, we actually do have something in our outside world that is dangerous, about which our anxiety is justified. So that's one thing.
But here's another thing - you said in your original post that this is supposed to be easy - and I want to assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. I have been doing this work since 2011, and I have always said that it's easier said than done. Just because the concept of TMS makes total sense if your mind is open enough to accept it (and please give yourself credit for THAT) the battle to change your own mind - a constant battle to fight against your fearful primitive brain - is NOT easy!!!!
It's not easy even in the best of years, and fuck me, but 2020 is never going to be in the running for best year award.
We have to be honest about what we are experiencing: most of us are living, for the first time in our lives, with incomprehensible uncertainty about the future, as well as unbelievable losses. Losses of people, of jobs, of entire economies, of physical and mental health - and a stunning loss of personal freedom. The loss, in fact, of our way of life, with no sure end in sight.
We have to be able to grieve these losses. One aspect of loss to be grieved is isolation, or feeling abandoned. Another is the inability to find meaning. And always, there's the fear of our own mortality - usually, especially for young people, lurking in the deepest parts of the unconscious. But right now? not so much.
It's great that you're talking to a TMS person, but financially, that's a big drain. I recommend that you check out Nicole J. Sachs, LCSW, who is a TMS therapist no longer in private practice. Her book is "The Meaning of Truth", her web site is "The Cure For Chronic Pain" and her podcast is "The Cure for Chronic Pain with Nicole Sachs, LCSW". The podcast is free - just start with #1 and keep going, using any podcast provider. She has paid and free resources on the Resources page of her web site. Nicole is AWESOME and her podcasts and book alone have helped me a LOT. At the bottom of her Resources page is a list of other podcasts she has been on, and some of those may lead to you to even more free help.
Nicole is all about writing shit down, and she tells you how to do it. We call it "journaling" but Nicole says that it's not formal journal-keeping at all. You can throw it right out, and never re-read it. But there is something really powerful about getting the truth out onto a piece of paper. I do it every day, and I highly, highly recommend it. I also recommend that you start with the four things I mentioned above: Freedom, Isolation, Meaning, and Mortality, because those are the big human issues, and every one of them is an aspect of living in 2020.
Keep us posted
@Beawake and let us know how you are doing, okay? You are not alone.
~Jan
