help suicidal thoughts

hi im reaching out as im struggling so much. I have much less pain and fatigue than a year ago but im still waking up with fear most mornings, it is so strong and no matter how much i say im safe it doesnt go, ive been crying all morning as my thoughts were scaring me as they were all about suicide. ( i did attempt this in the past because of the pain) i dont want to commit suicide but i dont want to feel so sad anymore. one day i feel im feeling safer and okay with symptoms but the next it's like starting all over again, like groundhog day.
i have a child and am too sick to work still, i don't have a lot to do in the day as we are stuck in and i think this makes it all worse as i feel i have no routine or point in life.
i have a tms intern helping me but soon my savings will be gone and i wont be able to afford her anymore and this scares me.
Its like why can't i just stay strong for more than one day and i know thats pressure, i just find this all too much for my mind, its supose to be easy but my head feels fucked up.
im so sorry this is so negative i just feel so alone

becca

 

All of us who have ended up "chronic' with pain have had thoughts like that. In early '99 I was laying in bed thinking those same things , running out of money and time... and then it turned around and I have lived a few colorful lifetimes since then.

Emmet Fox once addressed this in one of his books... "what If I lose all of my money and go homeless".. his answer "Than you will have an awesome story of redemption and God's grace on the other end"...and I did and I do.

Those sort of anxious thoughts are just as effective as the pain at keeping us distracted. Treat them the same way you would treat the symptoms whenever you can... with an attitude of disdain, like a whining younger sibling. This stupid lockdown crap will end and just be another part of our 'story' and that's all it really is.. a story. You wouldn't want a BORING one where everything was OK all of the time, would you? (LOL)

That's why this forum is here too.. for us to support each other. When you find yourself feeling like that, maybe turn your thoughts to how far you've come in getting out of pain and how much better your life is going to be when it's 100% gone.

I am alone about 95% of the time...live alone (with my dog), work alone, eat alone, play guitar alone... but I only FEEL alone when I am cut off from God and that is usually MY thoughts about how stuff is SUPPOSED to be. When I let go of those, the clouds clear out and I feel fine.

..and it's good that you're reaching out to people here... never be too proud to ask for help and you'll always find it.

hang in there, it get better...and funner.

 

Thank you for your kind reply

I’m glad you said your alone a lot as I keep thinking I can’t get well being stuck in with my todddle all day.

I do the usual cleaning and looking after him then I may do some drawing or colouring in but then I question it like I’m not doing enough yet I’m not one for running or lifting weights as I’m an arty person. But I’ve got this thing stuck in my head I need to do something all the time that will make the pain go.

I have so many conditioned responses and some I’m better at but being around groups of people I just struggle as symptoms go up so much and I can’t think straight enough to soothe. I don’t freak out but I do get very sad inside.

it’s like a battle with my brain all day long I can tell myself I have pain of way less than it use to be and I have done more even tired but then all these fighting thoughts come back like you need to feel this and soothe and feel and relax and feel and xxxxxxx aghjjjjjh. So much in my head

I’m in a pattern of il have two days feeling stronger the. It fights back and I’m lost for days maybe weeks until the next two good days.
Thank
You for helping me

 

Sarno spoke about that woman Karen Horny (splng?) and 'the Tyranny of the should'.

The only thing I should be doing is whatever I am doing. The THOUGHTS about it are what torment me. Or at least used to. Eckhart Tolle wrote about cycles and needing to learn how to read ourselves.... if I try to 'fight' my way out of a low energy phase or a bored phase, I am likely to trigger some sort of symptom or reaction. When I allow myself to be a little sluggish, I always come out of it at just the right time

I know as a parent we always feel like we 'should' be doing something.
I was really selfish when I raised my sons. I read a book that said to get your kids to do the stuff you like to do and you'll have less of those 'shoulds' later on. The writer was correct. I got them into skateboarding, baseball, reading and music , so the time we spent together was always natural....and we still do all those things together 25 years later!! Or we can do 'nothing' together too (reading , relaxing, slugging around)

the most important thing you can do for your kid is just be present...so your already there. Now relax and have a good time!

 

I'm sorry you are struggling so much, @Beawake. To add to Baseball's compassionate advice, I have some thoughts.

I also noticed the many times you said "should" or some variation. I'm an expert at "should" myself. All TMSers are experts at "should". One of the earliest founding members of the wiki was well known, back in the day, for coming up with the reminder "Don't Should On Yourself!"

The antidote to "should" is baby steps. If you feel like you "should" get up and move, start by doing the littlest movement while sitting, like some arm lifts, just for a minute or two. Make this a game with your toddler! Do a few arm or leg or core exercises when you're in bed. When doing your household chores, do them mindfully, with extra attention paid to stretching a bit more, consciously using your arm muscles to lift, and visualizing how even housework is movement, and that it can get your blood moving. Give yourself positive credit for everything, no matter how small, and celebrate the fact that you can still do these things, no matter how small.

Moving on to the bigger picture: changing your brain is all about perception, right? I know you know this because you've been experiencing success. It's all about the messages you WANT to tell yourself, rather than believing the negative messages that your primitive brain wants you to believe. It's important to understand that from an evolutionary/survival point of view, the negative messages have a real-life purpose: they are designed to keep you in fear, so that you are constantly worried, and constantly on edge, so that you will keep yourself "safe". But safe from what? The thing is that your primitive brain has no idea what safety means in the modern world - it still thinks that if you go outside you might get eaten by a sabre-tooth tiger, whereas most of our modern "dangers" are pretty intangible (eg: success, relationships) and a lot of them are "what-ifs". Many physical dangers from the past have been mitigated thanks to modern technology. But then 2020 came along. In 2020, we actually do have something in our outside world that is dangerous, about which our anxiety is justified. So that's one thing.

But here's another thing - you said in your original post that this is supposed to be easy - and I want to assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. I have been doing this work since 2011, and I have always said that it's easier said than done. Just because the concept of TMS makes total sense if your mind is open enough to accept it (and please give yourself credit for THAT) the battle to change your own mind - a constant battle to fight against your fearful primitive brain - is NOT easy!!!!

It's not easy even in the best of years, and fuck me, but 2020 is never going to be in the running for best year award.

We have to be honest about what we are experiencing: most of us are living, for the first time in our lives, with incomprehensible uncertainty about the future, as well as unbelievable losses. Losses of people, of jobs, of entire economies, of physical and mental health - and a stunning loss of personal freedom. The loss, in fact, of our way of life, with no sure end in sight.

We have to be able to grieve these losses. One aspect of loss to be grieved is isolation, or feeling abandoned. Another is the inability to find meaning. And always, there's the fear of our own mortality - usually, especially for young people, lurking in the deepest parts of the unconscious. But right now? not so much.

It's great that you're talking to a TMS person, but financially, that's a big drain. I recommend that you check out Nicole J. Sachs, LCSW, who is a TMS therapist no longer in private practice. Her book is "The Meaning of Truth", her web site is "The Cure For Chronic Pain" and her podcast is "‎The Cure for Chronic Pain with Nicole Sachs, LCSW". The podcast is free - just start with #1 and keep going, using any podcast provider. She has paid and free resources on the Resources page of her web site. Nicole is AWESOME and her podcasts and book alone have helped me a LOT. At the bottom of her Resources page is a list of other podcasts she has been on, and some of those may lead to you to even more free help.

Nicole is all about writing shit down, and she tells you how to do it. We call it "journaling" but Nicole says that it's not formal journal-keeping at all. You can throw it right out, and never re-read it. But there is something really powerful about getting the truth out onto a piece of paper. I do it every day, and I highly, highly recommend it. I also recommend that you start with the four things I mentioned above: Freedom, Isolation, Meaning, and Mortality, because those are the big human issues, and every one of them is an aspect of living in 2020.

Keep us posted @Beawake and let us know how you are doing, okay? You are not alone.

~Jan