HELP/SCARED

Hi All,

I am new to this TMSWIKI, I used to belong to tmshelp.com a long time ago.

A year and a half ago my Father who was 84 years old passed away from a hemorrhage stroke caused from a blood thinner he was on. He went quick and it was a shock to all of us.

Before his death, I was living with both Parent's working a part time job so I could help my Dad caregive to my 89 year old Mom who suffered a stroke and now has dementia.

Only a month after my Father died, my brother made himself POA, sold my Mom's house and she bought house in a retirement community closed to my Aunt.

I was very upset about this because my Aunt wanted her close not to help me caregive, but, to help herself to my Mom's money. We basically moved out of the city for the wrong reasons.

My brother bailed on me and left me to have to deal with my Aunt and to care give to my 89 year old Mom. I finally had to discommunicate my aunt from our lives. She caused so many problems and the bickering and backstabbing that went on was very hard on me.

During this time I had endured so much stress as my Mom had a two hour surgery on her leg because of a stent that had collapsed. After her surgery she had developed a double pneumonia and by the Grace of God she recovered. Since then she has landed four times in the ER.

I am her only caregiver and I endured all this by myself, I should mention my Brother and his wife live in California and did not come out to help.

It has been a full year and as a caregiver and being stuck in a senior citizen retirement community! Life has been tough regarding with caregiving, financial problems and long commute to a part time job.

TMS PAIN: After 6 months of trying to endure my difficult aunt and finally forgiving her, I developed right groin pain. It was so bad that the my doctor gave me a CT scan that came back clean. I deceided to treat the pain as TMS and it went away.

In March just two months after the right groin pain and another stressful event occurred I developed TMJ/Trigemenial Nerve pain on the right side of my face.

The doctor tried to treat it with muscle relaxant and ibuprofen none of it helped. I got so severe he ended up giving me a MRI of my brain to see if anything was pressing on my Trigemenial Nerve. The MRI came back clean and I decieded to treat this as TMS.

In less then two days of talking to my brain and telling it I am not going to stand for it the pain disappeared.

Then in April after coming back from the long commute from my part time job, I found the toaster was burnt like it had caught on fire. My poor Mom had tried to toast a snowflake cookie that is paper thin and burnt the cookie and the toaster.

Her dementia was getting a little worst and I feeling scared, and frustrated I got angry at her. It was four hours later that day I had developed right leg sciatica nerve pain.

The pain is in my butt and goes to my calf! It hurts none stop, however, I DO NOT feel numbness just the burn and stinging!

Sometimes it is just in my butt and other times it's in both butt and calf! I also experience cramping as well.

I can not seem to make the sciatica pain go away and after two months I am starting to worry. I am 48 years old and truthfully scared to get an MRI.

I feel like I would be opening a can of worms because at my age I am sure they will find something.
Also, being that I am on a part time job, I can not afford another MRI! Howevert, I am in pain and don't know whatelse to do.

Besides the CT scan, and MRI, I also had a sed rate test done as well....

I am very familiar with Dr. Sarno's work. I have listened to The Divided Mind and Mindbody Perscription and I have also read Steve Ozanich great book The Great Pain Deception.

Truthfully, I have the TMS personality to the "T". I am a DO GOOD, people pleaser, perfectionist, guilt, etc.

My childhood I have suffered bullying to do Asperger's syndrome and Learning difficulties.

I am now trying to juggle without any help caring for my 89 year old Mom all by myself with no help what so ever.

Should I bite the bullet and go to the doctor for the sciatica nerve pain? It seems like I have been getting symptom imperative.

Please help any advise would be appreciated!

Thanks,

Kalo

 

Hi Kalo,

I think you know that you have TMS. And for many reasons including your personality and your life pressures. Interesting that the last time it started was right after you were angry at your mom. I think that means your Inner Bully went to town with you, and the Inner Child is hurt, or enraged, or fearful of not having love. That is what happens to me, when I beat myself up for getting angry! I sometimes get angry at my mom, and then realize underneath, I am very fearful of losing her...

I think you have the symptom imperative, as you say. If it was me, I would treat it as TMS, and keep broadening your methods. Talking to yourself worked. Maybe try the SEP here.

http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/Structured_Educational_Program

and this

http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/TMS_Recovery_Program

You are under fear and stress, and I hope you engage these programs to get a little free support. It can't hurt, and it might really help. Your success so far, in your self-treatment is huge, and I would build on that. Good luck.

Andy B.

 

Hi Andy,

You are right, I am scared of losing my Mom!!! I am very closed to both Parent's and loosing my Dad was HUGH!!!! I am under fear and stress! Being that I have Asperger's I lived with my Parent's for a while and then moved back to help my Dad take care of my Mom.

I have not only dealt with loosing my Dad, but, in away I have some what lost my Mom to dementia. She doesn't know the day, month or year and the only thing I don't do for her is eat, sleep or go to the bathroom...

She is pretty much dependent on me!

Did I mention I am a hypochondria. I keep thinking that the sciatica pain is do to a tumor pressing on it. I know that my thinking isn't rational, but, I also know that when anxiety enters ones thought becomes FEARFUL and that is what happened to me.

How do I keep off thinking my nerve isn't being compressed by a tumor???

To be honest, two weeks ago, I developed a ganglion cyst in my left hand wrist...It was so painful that I ended up at urgent care and the doctor pretty much told me it would go away on it's own time. The pain was so bad I couldn't even use my left hand.

My sciatic pain at the point was about 1 to 2 pain level and if you gave me a choice on what I would of MRI at the time it would of been the hand and not my back. So eventually the pain went away and slowly but sure the sciatic pain came back...

Today is Father's day and the burn in my butt pretty much hurts....

I wonder though if I was being treated by Dr. Sarno for Groin, Trigemenial Neuraliga, and cameback to him with this sciatic nerve would he want me to get an MRI to rule out anything serious??

Thanks for your advise,

Kalo

 

Hi Kalo,
Well, since you figure it is a TMS thing, then you don't need to be too scared, which means you might get it looked at, and eliminate that doubt. Then you could move forward.

I wonder if you saw this great article on fear. I love it because he lists several stances and approaches, and leaves it to the sufferer to experiment, get to know themselves more, and develop more skills...

http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/understanding-and-overcoming-fear.8574/

Andy B.

 

Hi Andy,

That was a great article on fear! Loved it and my whole life has been based around "fear"!

I wish I could turn off the internal dialog that plays in my mind! It so habitual and I tried to get help from anxietycentre and they deal with anxiety! The approach is like Sarno, but, they say the word anxiety for symptons.

My problem and this is where I have to stop is running to the doctor for every little thing. Okay, so I have sciatica pain, but, there is a part of me that has to be certain I don't have that "rare tumor" on my spine.

Why do I think like this?? If the MRI revealed herniated disk, or some other normal aging I would work on Dr. Sarno!

But what this tells me is I can't live with uncertainity in life. This not being able to live with uncertainity is my biggest problem.

Can I say something on this message board???

The Great Steve Ozanich which I have corresponded with told me that he believes the sciatica is TMS and so did Monte Hueftle....

That alone should of given me confidence to proceed....But, my mind starts racing "what if there wrong"

I have to stop this behavior,but, seeing my Dad die and pulling him off the ventilator just put in over the age.

Having to take my Mom to the emergency room 5 times in one year sent me over the edge.

My nerves are REVED up!

I am trying to learn to mediate and I have now begun listening to Dr. Emmette Miller CD....

I am happy I joined this tmswiki.

Btw, you story is very inspirational!!!

I will try the structural educational program.

Oh, did I mention that I am trying to get of benzodiazphem....That is no pinic and I know that messes up the gaba in ones brain as well...

Again, thanks for your advise

Kalo

 

You are welcome Kalo. Good luck in your journey, and I think that meditation, and developing more self-compassion can only help. We all get caught in the dark mirrors of our minds.
Andy B.

 

Hi Andy,

I agree!!! A family member has me doing meditation and it has helped her quite a bit. I will be posting here...I hope to post my success...God knows I have had many TMS equilivants!

Thanks again,

Kalo