Help needed. Another back spasm. I’m worried it might be physical this time

S

Shakermaker

Peer Supporter
Hi everyone

I had a back spasm back in 2024. I posted about it here and got some wonderful advice: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/help-lumbago.27826/

2 weeks ago I had another spasm. I was in the gym, I bent forward to put some dumbbells on the floor and I could feel it go. It was painful but didn’t feel too bad at this stage. I figured TMS because bending to put dumbbells on the floor is something I’d done a million times previously. I finished a limited workout. Then was due to meet my girlfriend and a friend of hers for dinner, so I went to a restaurant. It was after 2 hours sitting in the restaurant that it really hit me. When we got up to leave the restaurant I could barely stand up straight and walk home. Over the following week and a half I was reading Sarno and pretty much followed the advice in the last thread I posted and was going really well. Up until this last Sunday I was not far off feeling pain free again.

Then on Sunday I was sat on my couch leaning forward sending a text message, and as I got up I could feel it stiffen up again. Again I just tried to stick to my normal activities as best I could and not act as if I have physical pain. Thinking about the emotional side of things, and things were starting to get better again. But then I’ve just woken up this morning and feel like I’m back to square one. Very stiff. I could barely roll over to get out of bed. I can’t bend at the waist. Even bending at the knees is painful.

I really hope it’s TMS and will go away but I’m scared it might be physical this time somehow.

What speaks in favour of TMS is that the pain seems to move a little bit. Sometimes it’s in my left buttock. Other times the buttock feels fine and it’s more the muscles in the lower back that stiffen up.

In addition to this I’ve been putting myself under a huge amount of pressure lately. I’m in a relationship where I seem to have out a woman a little bit on a pedestal and I’m constantly pressuring myself to be the best I can be in order to keep her, which must be enraging for the id. I’ve also had a very intense year at work with a lot to do, annoying boss etc. I’ve listed out all the things pressuring me at the moment .

So it might be TMS. I’m just worried there might be a physical problem. I live in Germany and TMS is not much of a thing here. If I go to a doctor they will tell me I have structural issues and I’ll be down the rabbit hole again.

Any advice would be very gratefully received
 
Cactusflower said:
@Shakermaker

great post to help you!

https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/success-story-continued.30309/#post-163312
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Thanks for your advice. I just re-read the advice you gave me in my thread two years ago which was also really helpful.

I think it’s time to do some proper work this time. Simple knowledge might not be enough.

Funnily enough, after my spasm two weeks ago, I continued putting myself under pressure. I only took one day off work to rest, then got back to work. I got back to the gym fairly quickly too (although to be honest I do enjoy the gym and there was a trainer there making sure I didn’t do anything that would put my back at risk).

I just got back to my daily activities when maybe my body was telling me I needed a break. I don’t know. When it stiffened up again on Sunday I was thinking about something stressful to do with my relationship.

As mentioned I’ve woken up this morning extremely stiff and the whole of last night I was stressed about my relationship.

I’m going the the mind body prescription again. In this relationship my goodist and perfectionist traits have really come to the for. I have a constant feeling of not being enough and this has been going on since May. Could be my body has just said enough is enough.

At least I really hope it’s that rather than a structural problem.

After reading Sarno I’ll read Alan Gordon’s book and probably start on the SEP.

it’s all just a huge inconvenience. I just want to get out there and enjoy my life and not have to deal with this
 
It’s weird, this whole morning my left buttock has been totally spasmed. I just sat down to read the post linked by @Cactusflower and it now feels totally loose and the base of my spine has stiffened up
 
Shakermaker said:
I finished a limited workout. Then was due to meet my girlfriend
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Shakermaker said:
Then on Sunday I was sat on my couch leaning forward sending a text message, and as I got up I could feel it stiffen up again.
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Hi, Shakermaker,
When I read your story, I wondered who you were texting to when your spasm came this time. You might want to look at that. And what were you thinking about at the gym when it went out? Journaling could really help you discover your feelings. It sounds like you know about some things causing you conflict. Conflict is at the heart of TMS. It’s not easy to sort through your life, but it’s absolutely necessary to get out of this. You already have a start at some insight. Keep going! You might like to try the free Structured Educational Program on this site. It has helped so many people.
 
Diana-M said:
Hi, Shakermaker,
When I read your story, I wondered who you were texting to when your spasm came this time. You might want to look at that. And what were you thinking about at the gym when it went out? Journaling could really help you discover your feelings. It sounds like you know about some things causing you conflict. Conflict is at the heart of TMS. It’s not easy to sort through your life, but it’s absolutely necessary to get out of this. You already have a start at some insight. Keep going! You might like to try the free Structured Educational Program on this site. It has helped so many people.
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Thanks for your advice. Yes I know what I was thinking about on both occasions, both at the gym and when sending the text. It’s the relationship. Also last night I was feeling very anxious about it. I felt like I had worked through the anxiety before going to bed but I woke up this morning extremely stiff.

Using Sarno’s theories it could be that the superego is handling the anxiety rationally and the id is absolutely raging.

I am experiencing some inner conflict about the relationship. Basically something happened a couple of months ago that give rise to a suspicion that my girlfriend *might* have cheated, or be cheating, on me. I don’t have a huge amount of facts at my disposal but something the way two stories she told me match that feels suspicious. I’ve decided to deal with this rationally which is, in the absence of evidence, to deal with the anxiety for now and bring it up with her at the right time in a non-accusatory way. I’m doing this fairly well but it’s very hard work and have my phases where I feel very paranoid and/or anxious. I guess my id must be raging and wanting to shout, accuse, go out and meet new women or whatever.

All this is generally making me feel very unsafe in the relationship too. I feel like every little (imagined) mistake I make could lead to me getting dumped.

This has been going on for a number of months now. I guess my body has had enough
 
Shakermaker said:
I guess my body has had enough
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Your whole heart and soul has had enough. It started with a whisper to get your attention. And now it’s screaming with your back. One thing I’ve learned on my TMS journey is that our inner selves KNOW things. They know things that have happened, they know what is true. Even before we do. The biggest question for you isn’t really about this girlfriend. It’s about how you treat yourself. What you’re willing to put up with. It’s about what you think you deserve. And you deserve to be loved, respected, and in a safe relationship. Trust your gut. What would you tell your best friend to do in your circumstances?
 
Diana-M said:
Your whole heart and soul has had enough. It started with a whisper to get your attention. And now it’s screaming with your back. One thing I’ve learned on my TMS journey is that our inner selves KNOW things. They know things that have happened, they know what is true. Even before we do. The biggest question for you isn’t really about this girlfriend. It’s about how you treat yourself. What you’re willing to put up with. It’s about what you think you deserve. And you deserve to be loved, respected, and in a safe relationship. Trust your gut. What would you tell your best friend to do in your circumstances?
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That’s a very good question. Like I said, one potentially suspicious thing happened, but I have no evidence. Friends I’ve spoken to give different advice, some say talk to her about it in a non-accusatory way, others say to leave it for now and see how things develop. I’ve been leaning toward the latter option so far but might have to rethink that.

Basically there is this one suspicious incident stacked against lots of positive things that my partner has said/done in our relationship.

I appreciate your point about intuition too but I’m quite an anxious and pessimistic person and I find that there can be a fine line between anxiety and intuition
 
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Shakermaker said:
Any advice would be very gratefully received
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Welcome, Shakermaker. Back spasms have been the strongest TMS issue for me and I managed to cope with them, so some pointers:

It is usually a matter of how long I've been standing. First the back stiffens, then some minor pain, and then there's this moment it shifts to a nasty pain. I think it was psychotherapist John Gasienica who said there usually is a bad thought or emotion when these shifts happen. Sitting after a good amount of walking would also bring pain. The difference here is that I wouldn't feel it coming, until I stood up and it appeared all of sudden. And there were some instances of waking up with spasms.

So what I did was going for a walk every morning, each week increasing the distance. Then go back, have a shower, carefully lie down for half an hour and meditate. It's a slow process but it works. Now I morning walk about 7000 steps (or more when I have time), don't need to lie down to bring down pain anymore, and go straight to work. Pain has decreased a lot and doesn't scare me, even when it's sharp. Spasms ceased. When the summer hits here I plan to change some of these walks for kayaking.
 
Diana-M said:
Well, at least you know that you have an issue with trust. And it’s causing you TMS. That’s a good start. Try the SEP.
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Yeah that’s probably true. I won’t go into detail about what happened, but those I’ve spoken to say feeling suspicious is understandable. But there is no “smoking gun” and as mentioned everything might be above board. But yeah my anxiety levels about this would suggest an issue with trust on my side
 
"I am experiencing some inner conflict about the relationship."

I think you are already well aware there are trust issues. Look into that inner conflict. Your self-confidence, need to be "perfect" (who is dictating that perfection in your head) in the relationship and make a list of everything within a relationship that is important to you. It sounds like that at least after several months, you should be able to have a conversation with your gf about these important topics. Talk to her about her own values and needs in a relationship.
I think the most important one each of us needs to ask ourselves is can we be happy without a relationship with another person, and what would that take to foster in ourselves.
It doesn't mean you need to be alone, but it sure spotlights our level self-love and acceptance.
 
Shakermaker said:
I’m in a relationship where I seem to have out a woman a little bit on a pedestal and I’m constantly pressuring myself to be the best I can be in order to keep her, which must be enraging for the id.
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"When it seems to come out of nowhere look REALLY close" (emphasis mine, words from Sarno)

Couple years back I was in a similar situation and had the mother of all relapses. Worse part was being absolutely positively certain it was TMS and not being able to do anything about it. I sat and wrote out all of the anger I was aware of having towards her (just a fraction of the real amount) and didn't expect it to last long and it did not. 24 hours I believe.
The truth that I didn't want to see was that, not only did I have her on a pedestal, but she was abusing the hell out of me. The episode started when she threw a drink in my face and then explained how I 'made' her do it.
Then, calling me back as if nothing were wrong. I didn't speak to her for weeks afterwards, but I went back to her...and it was this feeling of helplessness that necessitated a symptom. It took me another year or so to get away from her.
Shakermaker said:
I’m scared it might be physical this time somehow.
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Of course...it has to scare you or it doesn't work. The amount of fear and anxiety is a correlation of the amount of fear and anxiety that it's protecting you from. The deeper we have lied to ourselves, the more work we need to root it out for good...but they are all doable. Read the book and write anger lists and maybe go and scream the results to yourself alone in a car.
 
@Shakermaker
"I’m in a relationship where I seem to have out a woman a little bit on a pedestal and I’m constantly pressuring myself to be the best I can be in order to keep her, which must be enraging for the id."

Why don't you feel good enough? That is exactly where this kind of rage emanates from - the feeling that we can't possibly be good enough just as we are. Where did that come from in your life?
 
Shakermaker said:
But yeah my anxiety levels about this would suggest an issue with trust on my side
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Or, they could reflect your issues with fear of abandonment—which is a core issue for almost everyone with TMS.

Side story, for what it’s worth: I once had a friend who left her husband because he cheated. Before she did that she went to a private investigator and said, “I suspect my husband is cheating, will you find out?” The investigator said, “I will, but let me tell you that every single client that’s come to me who has ever suspected infidelity has been right.” My friend had him investigate, and the husband was cheating.
 
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Shakermaker said:
I’m quite an anxious and pessimistic person and I find that there can be a fine line between anxiety and intuition
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If you struggle with knowing the difference between intuition and anxiety, it might be more useful for you to replace intuition with values when making choices. Anxiety tends to disregard your values in favour of fear. Anxiety comes from a place of fear. (It’s often frantic and urgent in nature. It wants answers or action to happen right now.) It’s not enjoyable, and you look forward to the feeling going away. Intuition, on the other hand, is usually described as a deep knowing accompanied by a sense of peace or confidence. It’s not frantic, but calm. It aligns with your values and sense of self.
 
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