Help dealing with anger

R

rabbit

Peer Supporter
I am very much aware of anger that I feel towards a loved one. I do not want to talk about it with them yet, as I want to process and understand it myself first. I am scared it will seep out into the relationship inadvertently, which i do not want to do, as I do not want to hurt the person or damage the relationship (further). Any coping suggestions as I sort through it all? It is probably important for me to note that it is anger at the person for their current lack of support (inconsistent support more accurately) with respect to my current body pain flare up. I understand their own anger at me, having had to put up with me and my ailments (TMS I'm now realizing) for many years, so it feels complicated. Any input appreciated!
 
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TMS forces you to focus on yourself no matter your relationship with others. Be it marriage, partnership, family member, whatever. Many (likely most) TMS-ers spend their entire life focusing on others. This one included. So the mere idea of turning attention in on yourself feels wrong (bring on the guilt). Not wanting to be a burden fits perfectly into the perfectionist mold we all mistakenly try to squeeze into.

The relationship is probably being stressed by your efforts to keep these feelings to yourself. At the end of the day, the best strategy might be to lay all the cards on the table. If your loved one is not supportive, so be it. Tell them that’s OK with you. Let them off the hook but do make it clear that you have to work on yourself now.

When you’re hurting (and boy does it freaking hurt) do you feel “I'm angry because you can’t fix me?” Or “I’m angry because I’m suffering so much and you’re not!” Sharing those feelings should be understood by this person. Hopefully relieving the tension in the air—allowing you to get back to TMS work at hand.

Support and understanding are assumed in relationships but it doesn't always work out that way. Only you can fix you. Hopefully this person will see the your determination and join in. I'd stop worrying about how this person feels and focus on what you need. Sounds harsh but what would you give to get past TMS. Anything you say?

I'm working on it myself. Hang in there—until you get there.
 
Hi, rabbit. That's good advice from Matt.

I also suggest that you do what someone else in the subforums said they did. They wrote a letter to the person they felt anger toward,
explaining how they felt, and then (of course!) didn't mail the letter. It was just good to get it off their chest.

Patience with and understanding a person go a long way toward living with them peacefully.

I lived seven trouble-free year sharing an apartment with a male friend (non-sexual!).
He suggested two rules for getting along:
1) Either of us could exercise a veto over the actions of another, but there would be no double-veto allowed.
(If he wanted the windows closed and up the temperature in the apartment to 80 and walk around in shorts, no shirt, and bare feet
when it was freezing outside, I could veto it by lowering the thermostat, but he could not then veto my veto.)

2) Both of us would respect the other's right to be irrational sometimes. (We never felt either of us was irrational.)

Good luck working on your feelings in your relationship.
 
Thanks for the great replies. Part of it is anger that the person truly doesn't seem to know how much it hurts. Talking about and thinking about the pain all the time is a bad idea, but sometimes I just want them to know and for someone to say, damn, you are doing a good job dealing. So, I guess I will say that to myself! In time I know these issues will resolve, I just need to get over this hump. Thanks!
 
Rabbit,
You are doing a good job dealing. You know how to do that! Now, do you know how to allow your anger? Do you know how to say hello anger, and you are important to me? In my opinion, you need to be free to experience that anger and not worry about it seeping out and ruining things. That puts unrealistic pressure on yourself. So what if you're angry. So what if you don't express it skillfully.

Frankly, I don't see in your present scenario, where YOU are. I think your anger has activated your Inner Critic, and the whole process is squeezing you. Writing a letter and not sending it is good. Beating a pillow. Yelling into a pillow. My advice is make friends with anger, in any way you can, including expressing it to this other person, in a not perfect way. We all have a basic right to be angry. So what? This other person can be angry back. It isn't the end of the world.

For the way I was raised, anger is very scary, so I say this as a friend....

Robert Masters says some good things about healthy anger. Here is a podcast and at minute 10 on, there are some interesting tidbits.

http://www.thenewmanpodcast.com/2008/10/tnm-032-robert-masters-the-world-needs-more-anger/

Good luck with Anger!

Andy
 
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