Day 1 Hello

[Rosina]

This is my first post.

Unlike many people I have been reading about, I don't have chronic pain that has lasted years.

I keep getting episodes of acute back pain / migraines / diverticulosis / histemine reactions / palpitations. And I have know for years that they are all linked to stress. I used to joke to people about how my body simply acts out when my subconscious is pissed off. It's a standing joke with people who know me well.

If I read that list of symptoms about someone else, I would assume that person is a nervous wreck. (I know. It says a lot about my own prejudices). I don't think I'm a nervous wreck. I'm an extrovert, I run my own successful business which involves much travel and regularly delivering training days to rooms full of people I've never met before. I have raised a beautiful 16 year old boy. I live in a beautiful city. I have a beautiful girlfriend.

I had some hypnosis to deal with the migraines. During a difficult week of therapy, I let go of a large monkey that had clung to my back for too long. I went from 3 migraines a month to none. For 3 years.

About 3 years ago, in an attempt to manage stress better, I started working out with a personal trainer. I never felt better. I lost weight, felt strong - heck, I was strong! For the first time, physically, I felt fit and healthy and strong. I thought my back problems would be a thing of the past. I chose a personal trainer who would take great care of me and ensure that my work outs concentrated on building core strength and protecting my back. I have now had the same trainer for 3 years. I see him each week.

3 years ago, my mum got diagnosed with terminal cancer. 2 years ago she died. 4 days after the 2nd anniversary of her death, I "slipped a disc" - or whatever we might decide to call it. Week 2 of flat on my back. Watching ££££sss slip away as I have to contact customers and cancel sessions.

It had been threatening to happen since January. I took up yoga, did extensive core conditioning, took supplements... everything I could do to stop it happening.

Looks like my subconcious had other ideas.

I'm aware this was meant to be a short post. Sorry! I am already finding it useful to put stuff out here. Don't worry too much about replying.

In summary:

• I have watched the day1 video. I am relieved to see people on it that I can identify with. It's hard not to feel like a pathetic failure in accepting the control my sub conscious has over my body. Seeing strong and confident people go through this programme has helped.
• The grief I feel about losing mum isn't going to go away. There are other stresses too that I can't just eliminate in my life. I need a new way of responding to them. I have no idea how to do that.
• I am going to start journalling about some of my deeper feelings.

Bye for now.

 

[yb44]

I had some hypnosis to deal with the migraines. During a difficult week of therapy, I let go of a large monkey that had clung to my back for too long. I went from 3 migraines a month to none. For 3 years.

Wow, good for you!

It had been threatening to happen since January. I took up yoga, did extensive core conditioning, took supplements... everything I could do to stop it happening.

Although you had accepted your physical symptoms were linked to stress, by taking the course of action you did, you focused on avoiding or stopping physical symptoms by physical means. Taking up yoga for general fitness, relaxation, because you enjoy it is all fine. Believing that yoga will cure or prevent a "slipped disc" will keep you trapped in the pain cycle for sure.

Never mind, you are well on your way to recovery. We will always have stress in our lives, suffer traumas and bereavements, but this doesn't preclude that we have to suffer physically. There are so many eloquent writers on this forum who have discussed the issues you have raised such as changing our attitude about stress. There are some pretty good posts on journalling as well as at least one wiki page on the subject. If you are doing the Structured Education Program this will get you writing, thinking outside the box, making new connections, discovering stuff that bothers you that you hadn't ever realised bothered you. You also will 'meet' many kindred spirits with whom you can share your journey.

 

[gailnyc]

Rosina,

Welcome to the forum! You will find much good support and advice here.

yb44 is correct. The first thing you must do is give up all the "core-building" stuff you do. It's fine to exercise for general health but if you keep doing things to strengthen your back you're just feeding into the idea that the problem is physical, when it sounds like you know it's not. Read one of Sarno's books for more on this.

The grief about your mom is never going to go away. It will lessen over time, but not go away. That is as it should be. Is it possible you were subconsciously telling yourself it's time you "got over" your mother's death? I think our culture has a hard time with death and people are often expected to "get over it" fast. But death is big. Grief is real. By pushing grief down out of our minds we simply push it into our bodies and it comes out in pain. You need to keep allowing yourself to feel the pain as you feel it and not try to push it aside.

Dr. Alexander says that by allowing space in our lives for the negative, we greatly reduce the risk of chronic pain.

It sounds like you are well on your way to recovery. I wish you good healing.

Gail

 

[Rosina]

Thanks yb44. That's exactly what I was doing, taking every physical step I could to prevent the physical happening. Now when I stop to think that is isn't a physical cause, it makes such complete sense that it hasn't worked. Understanding that helps me let go of all the frustration and anger I felt at having somehow failed to stop it happening. I was looking at the wrong thing.

I'm looking forward to discussing it with my trainer. He was getting very puzzled by by frequent returns to an "injured state" when from his perspective, I am strong and without particular weakness that would cause them.

Thanks Gail. I try to allow myself time and space to grieve for mum, although it is hard space to find like you say. I have just done my list of past traumas and although mum's death and missing her is obviously there, I think I have much more pent up anger and rage around the peripheral issues like who has been left behind. It's a fascinating journey.

Thank you both for replying.