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Hello again TMS, Fear, Anxiety :) Now F**K OFF!

A

amarie133

Peer Supporter
Things are looking good! Even though I'm in the middle of a pain flare. My forearm (diagnosed tendonosis and RSI) was 99% pain free for the last 3-4 days... Earlier last week I had a another pain flare after taking a yoga twerking class. 100% fine during this class (the class was really fun). As soon as I walk out from the yoga studio, the forearm had a twinge of pain, (Just like a few other times this week) but I literally couldn't stop the thought "OMG I just reinjured myself. This is the first time I've done anything that physical in 6 months, it probably is an injury...OMG!" As you can imagine, the pain flared and I fell into an anxious and kinda depressed state for about 2 days. Then I snapped the F***k out of it. THIS IS TMS. I finally wrote out some affirmations. Then I gathered as much courage as I physically and emotionally could. And had been 100% pain free overnight since then. And I literally did 5 + hours of yardwork this weekend; weedwacking, using the shears and pulling weeds. 100% pain free fine until last night.

What originally started all this was working as a massage therapist, and 7 months ago experienced arm pain during a massage, kept trying to work, and it catapulted into what was diagnosed as RSI and tendonitis/tendonosis of the thumb and forearm extensors.

Since figuring out this is TMS, I've been pretty pain free and happy lately. One of my greatest passions is my business and doing massage, and I decided to go back to massage work. As you can imagine after my first night back to work last night, I had a pain flare. Not after the first massage (deep tissue 1 hour), but when I got home. Stepdaughter asked for a foot massage and I'll take any moment she wants to bond :) So while rubbing her feet I felt a twinge of pain and literally watched the thought go by," OMG I think I reinjured myself, I did a lot of work with my thumb tonight, this pain feels different, it feels sharper than normal..." And instead of letting go the thought, my mind grabbed. Downward spiral.

So now I'm sitting here, watching the shit show of my mind unfold. Thanks to mediation I'm more conscientious of the worry and anxiety and the sensations they produce in my body, the tightness in my chest, butterflies in my stomach, and I'm terrified.

Isn't it amazing how your mind can highjack you? How your thoughts can hold your body hostage and fearful? I'll keep sitting with the energy of the anxiety and know this thought will eventually dissipate. Then once again, I will gather enough courage and determination to move though this, physically move forward and reach my goals. I will grow even more in strength within myself, letting go of the fear and living the life I deserve to live. FUCK YOU TMS!
 
Richsimm22 said:
Great post amarie. The person that introduced me to tms and is not on this tmswiki but is 100% healed from her symptoms of fibromyalgia/Myofascial-Pain-Syndrome told me she would play this song and shout it at the top of her voice to say FUCK YOU tms. I have it on my ipod when I go running.
Click to expand...

Thanks richsimm for listening to my rant... The song is perfect for the day. I'm getting angry at the TMS, it keeps me from moving forward with my goals and dreams at times.
I do appreciate this opportunity to learn more about myself tho, the body and in general how we are constantly creating our reality.
Your friend with fibromyalgia must feel so empowered to have healed herself. Thank you for sharing :)
 
amarie133 said:
Isn't it amazing how your mind can highjack you?
Click to expand...

I don't think I'll ever forget the moment I was able to step back and literally watch my brain try to drag me down into depression, something I'd felt for several months that I was borderline in danger of. And how proud I was when I pushed back, and didn't give in. This happened maybe two months after I started doing this work, and that was the end of the depression and the end of the panic attacks as well. That was the moment I knew I was in control and that I had a choice.
 
For me it's anxiety, and I am having a spasm in my trapezius muscle and panic reaction AS WE SPEAK. There are some triggers I can't work around. Any travel plans no matter how easy make me HUGELY anxious. So do doctor appointments. I sat today watching my brain go beserk and knowing I was going to spasm. So I am surrendering to it. Bring it on. Definitely TMS attack.
My husband is picking up a new med for me- an anti-anxiety agent that is not a benzodiazepine. I expect to feel better tomorrow.
It is so amazing being aware of an impending attack. Today my anxiety is stronger than Schubiner's tools, so hopefully I will calm down with my sleep meds and tomorrow is another day.
 
For me i dont get mad at it....for me it turned into resistance ....when i get a flare or pain i just accept it and let it go . Buy getting mad at it just causes more emotions To bubble up and then followed by pain.

I say i accept you at this moment then i just let it go by.
 
JanAtheCPA said:
I don't think I'll ever forget the moment I was able to step back and literally watch my brain try to drag me down into depression, something I'd felt for several months that I was borderline in danger of. And how proud I was when I pushed back, and didn't give in. This happened maybe two months after I started doing this work, and that was the end of the depression and the end of the panic attacks as well. That was the moment I knew I was in control and that I had a choice.
Click to expand...
Powerful jan! Thank u for sharing. It really is a choice when we begin to quiet the mind.
 
Boston Redsox said:
For me i dont get mad at it....for me it turned into resistance ....when i get a flare or pain i just accept it and let it go . Buy getting mad at it just causes more emotions To bubble up and then followed by pain.

I say i accept you at this moment then i just let it go by.
Click to expand...
I like that Boston redsox. You are right, acceptance and letting go... Thank you.
 
riv44 said:
For me it's anxiety, and I am having a spasm in my trapezius muscle and panic reaction AS WE SPEAK. There are some triggers I can't work around. Any travel plans no matter how easy make me HUGELY anxious. So do doctor appointments. I sat today watching my brain go beserk and knowing I was going to spasm. So I am surrendering to it. Bring it on. Definitely TMS attack.
My husband is picking up a new med for me- an anti-anxiety agent that is not a benzodiazepine. I expect to feel better tomorrow.
It is so amazing being aware of an impending attack. Today my anxiety is stronger than Schubiner's tools, so hopefully I will calm down with my sleep meds and tomorrow is another day.
Click to expand...
Hang in there rev44! I feel your pain and anxiety... Literally! I wish you the best and hope you are feeling better tomorrow.
 
charcol said:
YES! If the pain is there to distract you, then distract it on your terms and ignore it and live the life you want to live.
Someday, you will look back on this and realize that your experience with TMS is a blessing in disguise.
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Yep! That's pretty much what I did this week. I returned back to work doing massage. I was just going to take one massage but was also inspired by Walt mentioning someone (steveO?) who continued to play golf through his back pain. So I had the opportunity to do 4 one hour massages this week.
It was terrifying at first! My anxiety and fear level were high and there was a bit of doubt this was tms in the back of my head. The first massage was painful but I kept refocusing--I knew as I challenged the pain it would not go down easily but I still had to do it. The next day I did two more massages, with very little pain. And by today, the 4th massage I had absolutely no pain. I've pretty much been pain free the last few days.
Who knows if if this is over yet but I am making great progress! Especially after being diagnosed with tendonosis/itis in my forearm & thumb extensors, RSI, and then tendonitis of the biceps :)
 
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The medication is vistaril, in the antihistimine class. I can't say it is magic, but I have had a really intense visit to extended family in a very religious milieu, and various events that are stressful to the max. I am aware that this attack might last longer than has become usual. I also saw Dr. Martinez (Boston) again yesterday. Now, if he did not believe in this diagnosis and feel confident in its course, someone as prominent as he--major teaching hospital in Boston--would not last very long.
 
riv44 said:
For me it's anxiety, and I am having a spasm in my trapezius muscle and panic reaction AS WE SPEAK. There are some triggers I can't work around. Any travel plans no matter how easy make me HUGELY anxious. So do doctor appointments. I sat today watching my brain go beserk and knowing I was going to spasm. So I am surrendering to it. Bring it on. Definitely TMS attack.
My husband is picking up a new med for me- an anti-anxiety agent that is not a benzodiazepine. I expect to feel better tomorrow.
It is so amazing being aware of an impending attack. Today my anxiety is stronger than Schubiner's tools, so hopefully I will calm down with my sleep meds and tomorrow is another day.
Click to expand...
I did a search on TRAVEL ANXIETY on this site and up came this post.
I was swimming today and began a cascade of terrorist attacks that have happened in other countries, around hotels, even countries I have been in when things were unfolding, like the tube explosion in London where we all walked everywhere that night, thousands of us in the streets, walking home, walking to dinners, walking to meetings.
I am going on vacation tomorrow - and leaving the area on Wednesday - and began imagining gangs and killings and all the awful things that get news coverage. I told my TMS that we were going to feel anxious if necessary, but that no physical symptoms were in the plan for the weekend. So, I get the beginning of a toothache. Never get toothaches. I am just so creative.
This pain is going nowhere. I am going on vacation. A beautiful vacation that I had no anxiety planning for. I don't have to be perfect to go on vacation, I just have to get on a plane for a few hours, tolerate crowds for a little while in order to arrive in a paradise.
I am committing to gratitude and breathing. If I keep myself occupied with this present moment, with breathing in and out and smiling on the exhalation, and doing the work that is in front of me - TODAY - then I will do Tuesday when it gets here, Wednesday when it gets here, and each following day, while I unwind and reacquaint myself with my husband.
I am going to practice IMPENDING JOY. Just for today. Why not? I have had more wonderful things than horrible things happen. Just because I go naturally toward an adverse, negativity bias doesn't mean I have to stay there.
Thanks for listening!
bg



I borrowed this quote from an older post from JanTheCPA. Love it! Knowledge-Belief-Faith: I Know how my brain creates symptoms; I Believe my body is healthy; I have Faith that I can heal myself.
 
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