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Have any of you quit your job that was killing you?

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Guero Triste, Jan 1, 2020.

  1. Guero Triste

    Guero Triste Peer Supporter

    Let's talk about me.

    40ish male. Married to the same lady for a long time. Couple of kids, one of whom is a rebellious teenager, the other a precocious and wonderful twelve year old. I am intelligent, conscientious, people-pleasing, and very hard on myself (classic type T). I am a heavy boozer. I also broke the test for being an HSP. I hate to to think of myself as sensitive. Very un-cool in American culture, esp for professional men.

    I am in chronic pain. Hands, arms, shoulders, sciatica, tingling in legs. Front teeth. Right big toe. I have clumsiness in my hands. It is becoming difficult to walk. Been to the neurologist a few times, says I have carpal tunnel and "positional neuropathy" whatever that is. Gave me wrist brace. It does close to nada. No meds. I use whiskey and increasingly cannabis to fight the pain, evenings only. During the day I white knuckle through it.
    It is getting worse and worse.

    Let's talk about my job.

    I am a sales manager at an auto dealership. I have been in this role for some time, but in the past couple years the place has been taken under new ownership. Said new owners have a very serious attitude towards making money and I am working probably 55-60 hrs a week at 120%+ of my rated capacity. I miss dinner at home most nights. My wife resents my job. My older kid is kind of a stranger. My hobbies and interests have faded. If anyone was paying attention, they would see that I am failing physically, mentally, and spiritually. But they aren't, because I am killing myself keeping up appearances of normalcy and keeping the whole BS parade rolling. And sadly, I am not sure anybody would care. Seems to me as long as they get what they want that I can suffer.

    Got a little off track. Here's the issues with the job - 1)Hours, way too long. 2) Having to perpetuate BS, say things that are perhaps not dishonest but certainly not forthright. I feel like I am full of shit. This is new for me and has severely impacted my self-image. 3)Poorly trained staff with constant turnover. 4)Need to achieve and please, to be competitive which I don't really jive with.5) Letting success or lack thereof selling a car to some dumbass dictate the mood we are all in. 6) Drinking the Kool-Aid, etc.7)No breaks, ever. I eat at my desk, barely noticing the food even when it's quite good. Some days I have been at work for 6 hours before I can take a leak.

    I have zero debt, paid for home, money in the bank. I can make a get-away, so to speak. But it's hard to pass up the big money (that I don't really need or enjoy lol). And of course, when you look at the stressors that can cause TMS change of careers is a big one. Taking a sabbatical and coming back to the same place does not seem to be an options, since it is imperative that they run it at maximum speed with out regard to quality of life, etc. So if I bail, I think my career in this field is over.

    OK, I dumped my guts. Lay it on me. Don't hold back.
  2. birdsetfree

    birdsetfree Well known member

    This is my two cents. Spend some time deciding on what practical changes you would like to happen at work that would elevate your quality of life. Take it to the appropriate people with the assurance that it is a reasonable action to take. You are the one responsible for your mental health and wellbeing, no one else is and if approached in a respectful way most people are open to renegotiations and adjustments generally. I think a lot of us think we are stuck in a situation where others are involved but surprisingly, people can be flexible and caring.
    Ellen, Balsa11, Lainey and 1 other person like this.
  3. Gigi

    Gigi Well known member

    I retired early from my job (middle school teacher and librarian) last June. The previous September, my husband said to me, "I'll take that vacation you want, but only if you agree not to renew your contract in the Spring. You're like the frog in the boiling water. They keep increasing the temperature, yet you stay." Well I responded that that was pretty insulting! However, it got my attention, and I realized he was right.
    I'm 58. We now have to get health insurance on the marketplace, but life is good! I volunteer at several places, I spend time in my studio, Birdwatch, and I read and do puzzles. Without my husband's challenge, i would not have left, but I’m glad I did.

    Consider what your plan will be if you quit. Will you seek another similar job? Change careers? Retire?
    Blessings as you discern the right path for you.
    Balsa11, Lainey and plum like this.
  4. plum

    plum Beloved Grand Eagle

    Make the change before life makes it for you. My husband was burned out long before he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. We simply had no idea how dangerous it was to ignore all the signs his body was sending. You don’t have to power through and suck it up. You can evolve. You can craft a better way. Or you can take some breathing time. You can rest not quit. When we are stressed we are extremely vulnerable to black and white thinking. Do your best to soften into the prism of possibilities.

    My honest opinion is that you should fuck the job off. Find something that suits your sensitive nature. Seek more pleasure in life. If you don’t care about yourself you can’t be surprised if people don’t care about you either. It’s time to think about what you want and to muse on some very healthy boundaries.

    This could be the start of a great new chapter for you.

    Plum x
    MWsunin12, Balsa11, Lainey and 3 others like this.
  5. Guero Triste

    Guero Triste Peer Supporter

    Thanks for the replies all.

    I am going to try to introduce some boundaries on my time. In addition, I have new, stupid staff coming on, I am going to do my best to train them as a succession plan. That way I can leave if need be without feeling the guilt of wadding up the place.

    See that there - here I am worrying about everyone else. XXXXXXX stupid, this is my life that is going to hell and I'm worried about these dorks. That's the "goodie-goodie" in me. Christ.
  6. Guero Triste

    Guero Triste Peer Supporter

    Just a follow up post - I am beginning to realize just how much anger I have about all of this. I keep it buried, along with resentments about my marriage, my rebellious kid, my procrastination, my greying hair, and my fundy christian programming. Seething hot lava buried deep. It is some dangerous stuff.

    Brain is smart to keep it on lock down. I get it. Safer than telling everyone just exactly what I think. Ain't nobody gonna like that.
    Lainey, JanAtheCPA and Velvet_Hidden like this.
  7. Mr Hip Guy

    Mr Hip Guy Well known member

    You've gotten some excellent advice so far.

    I see a lot of myself in what you've written. One thing I've noticed about myself recently is that I am not 100% sure of what I even "enjoy" anymore. Most of the things I do that I "say" I enjoy are not really for me. They're things that make me look better to others, or will earn me something (accolades, praise), or soothe the inner voice that needs to "prove" something.

    I can't even say I enjoy games because of the innate need to "win" the game. So it's been astonishing to me how hard it has been to find things that I can truly say I enjoy without a bunch of other garbage attached.

    But I think that's the point. My psyche has been so beat down for so long by all the things that I feel I "should" be doing that it is flat crying out for something that feels good instead.
  8. Mr Hip Guy

    Mr Hip Guy Well known member

    P.S. That job is toxic. Figure out an exit plan and quickly. With sales experience you can go many other places that aren't that type of environment.
    Balsa11, tb_player and Lainey like this.
  9. MIsty152

    MIsty152 New Member

    Interesting thread! Here is my story.

    I was just fired at my job due to financial issues at work. At first, I was really angry, but soon after I was really relieved. All of a sudden my negative thoughts had vanished. I was like, what?

    I know it is better for me in the long run. I wasn't really happy with my job, but I did not want to admit that. I was anxious to leave my job plus I had a enormous drive to prove myself and others as it was an really challenging job and an unique opportunity. Deep down however I knew this wasn't the job for me.

    There were a lot of signs I was on the wrong path:
    - tension headaches after work
    - constantly checking my phone to not feel my feelings
    - no energy to do things after worktime
    - constantly complaining about work.
    - felt an enormous responsibility to save the company
    Etc etc
    I ignored all of this though.. Which eventually led to more/new symptoms..

    In short: I feel alot better now. Alot of my inner tension has vanished. Now it is time to look forward!

    I hope this story will help. Good luck!
    Lainey, JanAtheCPA and Velvet_Hidden like this.
  10. mister_burger

    mister_burger New Member

    I developed a terrible TMS due to a very stressful job about 2 years ago. Drunk customers, people yelling at me, throwing money on the counter, overall bad attitude, stupid boss. I had to quit because I couldn't walk anymore. All I can say is I don't regret leaving that place!
    Idearealist, Lainey and JanAtheCPA like this.
  11. Caro

    Caro New Member

    In a word, quit. You are not responsible for the employers or the people you think you have to train. Employers will get as much as they can out of you for as little as they can, and will prey on your over-responsible, 'I've got to prove myself' tendencies. You are responsible to yourself and your family. What you are doing is obviously not what is best for you or your family. You are burning out, and take it from me, it can take many years to recover from burnout.
    Quit. Take a break. Don't look back.
    Balsa11 and Velvet_Hidden like this.
  12. MIsty152

    MIsty152 New Member

    I so agree with this. I'm at home for a couple of weeks now after I got fired and Just now I notice how fatigued I really am after those years. I am on the verge of a burn out, my doctor has said. And the thing is... You do not notice that until you take your rest or your body takes over...
    Balsa11 and Caro like this.
  13. Velvet_Hidden

    Velvet_Hidden Peer Supporter

    I quit my job working at a warehouse while I dealt with TMS for 3 years.... I was unable to walk properly so I had no choice but to begin working from home online to make ends meet and pay for the alternative doctors I was visiting before discovering I had TMS 3 years in..... I relate to you when you said you were killing your self while keeping up appearances.. I've felt the same in my experience before I took a deep look in the mirror and realized I needed to accept the way I was carrying on "phony" with being a people pleaser was HURTING ME! It took some time to process and accept all of this but I've been pain free since doing so....

    I hope you can find it in yourself to find the balance you feel is most crucial for you to gain that equilibrium that will bring the joy you seek...

    God Bless!
    Lainey and JanAtheCPA like this.
  14. Benjiro

    Benjiro Peer Supporter

    Sounds like you are working yourself to an early grave. Hate to sound crude, but someone has to say it. “When the body says no..”
    MWsunin12, Lainey and JanAtheCPA like this.
  15. Lainey

    Lainey Well known member

    A late comment to this thread, but want to chime in with all of the others that are suggesting that Guerro Triste begin to make significant changes in his patterns and lifestyle. The sooner the better. I worked as a psychotherapist, happily, until I took on a management position . ..big mistake. . I recognize the symptoms Guerro describes. Hope he was able to move past this . .. .he can move on. . .life beckons. . .
    plum likes this.
  16. Balsa11

    Balsa11 Well known member

    Find a less toxic job and keep your health/finances in check
  17. Tms_joe

    Tms_joe Well known member

    You can stay or go and get better imo.

    If you can quit, sit with that feeling a failure, and make peace with it, quit right this second. That’s the fast track.

    The slow track is the keep the job, scale back the efforts, learn about all the flaws you have that let this happen, and then immediately forgive yourself for those flaws as they reveal themselves. All the while you need full acceptance that option 1 will be forced due to less productivity.

    Now the 3rd way, the easy way, just kidding. There isn’t one afaik. Both are hard, but that’s the cost to feel like life isn’t running you over. Peace.
    backhand likes this.
  18. Lainey

    Lainey Well known member

    Nice response..... Tms__Joe. . . .
    I would agree.
  19. Guero Triste

    Guero Triste Peer Supporter

    A quick update from your OP.

    Still at same crappy job. Still in pain. Worse than before, but with waves of slightly better/slightly worse. Typical of the condition.

    In the past couple years I have noticed that one of the many sets of contradictions in advice offered for TMS is that some feel like only internal changes are needed in the dealing with stress while others support lifestyle change. Personally I think that if you can’t do it with internal change then the lifestyle change is going to happen when your mindbody has had enough BS and you end up so wrecked that you finally end up unable to continue the bullshit parade that is your life. A bit dramatic but effective. In some life situations the burden cannot be sufficiently lowered to give space for sanity and healing, or maybe it’s just time for a change.

    I think that’s how this will end up, with me on my stubborn ass lol. Maybe deep down I even want that...too “nice” to be honest and say “hey this isn’t the life I really want”, so I’ll torture myself and bow out when it’s finally unbearable. Like that absolves me of the guilt I have over wanting out. Yeah, that’s right, I’m living a life that in many ways I don’t enjoy and I feel guilty for wanting out because I’ve been bullshitting the rubes around me, making them think I’m on the team. The truth is, deep down, I despise many of said people in my life and myself for riding along with them. They are idiots. Reductionist, materialistic clowns.

    Am I crazy? Probably. But I think this is an honest examination of what’s really going on.
    Balsa11 likes this.
  20. yb44

    yb44 Beloved Grand Eagle

    This begs the question, how long do you plan to live a life you don’t enjoy? You won’t get another shot at it.
    zclesa, Ellen and BloodMoon like this.

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