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Grieving time

CharlieEvans180

CharlieEvans180

Peer Supporter
Hi all - support appreciated

I’m 32 and over the past week I’ve been hit by a really intense mix of emotions that I’ve never experienced before. It came on quite suddenly after I slowed down and stopped distracting myself. Now everything feels very full-on.

I’m grieving the past in a way I never have before – things like the simplicity of my 20s (but ironically some of my 20s were miserable), walking my old dog Martha, and the early days of my relationship. It feels like those chapters are gone forever, and there’s a deep sadness and longing attached to that.

At the same time, I’m experiencing anticipatory grief for the future, especially around my dad. He’s always been my rock, and lately I’ve felt overwhelmed by the fear of losing him someday. Nothing is wrong with his health – it’s just the sudden awareness that time is moving and the people I love won’t always be here.

This is all about recognising that my own younger years aren’t coming back.

All of these feelings – nostalgia, sadness, fear, love, longing – hit me at once and feel heavy. I’m just trying to understand it and not feel alone with it. Has anyone else been through something like this in their early 30s?

Any reassurance or shared experiences would mean a lot.

Bless you guys.

What this experience is showing me is a deep appreciation for those who have lived beyond me. Life is brutifal (brutal and beautiful). Everyone moves on with such bravery.
 
Ah, nothing like a mid-life crisis of a sorts.
@CharlieEvans180 you will get through this. You're doing the best thing, slowing down and allowing yourself to feel it. It's just coming in one big wave washing over you.
You fear feeling alone. Your most trusted confidences and your "rocks" the ones who give you unconditional love like your Dad and your Dog.
The TMS brain is at work, creating doubt that you can make it on your own, that you are capable of emotionally navigating the world, but at the same time you have a deep understanding that you can because you know that life is both brutal and beautiful.
This time of year can be very difficult for people - not just ones that have experienced loss, but those who feel they have to "Do it All" for others to feel the season, or for those who are worried about what it will be like in the future when we are "alone" with ourselves - perhaps as being the youngest of an aging family.
As you slow down and feel all these huge feelings, you also learn to love yourself more thought it all. It's the chance to be alone with the big feelings, to feel resilient that you've handled even the hard things and to begin building into your life new enjoyable experiences during the difficult times.
What little rituals can you build into your seasonal holiday life that are just for you? Perhaps it's a season where you treat yourself to a massage, or a group meditation, sound bath, a facial, a jujitsu lesson ... write a poem to yourself every year this time of year. Commit to making a new recipe and adding it to your holiday rotation... whatever it is that can be comforting and your new method of celebrating life when our old holiday traditions are no longer available to us.

As a pre-griever (or as you call it 'anticipatory' griever) I absolutely get it. I'm pretty sure this entire episode of TMS happened because of the impending loss of my own Mum and all the emotions tangled up within it. This year I lost my own Mum and a pet very slowly and also my MIL and a pet very suddenly and unexpectedly. Both of these parents were very very attached to family tradition even though my husband and I no longer participated in them (because they were no longer available, even though these parents tried desperately to hang on and not have to grieve the changes). Within that, I think you are actually quite lucky you can feel these things. I think of my Mum and MIL and how they suffered emotionally because they refused to feel and deal with the changes of life.

Hugs to you. Be gentle and kind to yourself this season.
 
Cactusflower said:
Ah, nothing like a mid-life crisis of a sorts.
@CharlieEvans180 you will get through this. You're doing the best thing, slowing down and allowing yourself to feel it. It's just coming in one big wave washing over you.
You fear feeling alone. Your most trusted confidences and your "rocks" the ones who give you unconditional love like your Dad and your Dog.
The TMS brain is at work, creating doubt that you can make it on your own, that you are capable of emotionally navigating the world, but at the same time you have a deep understanding that you can because you know that life is both brutal and beautiful.
This time of year can be very difficult for people - not just ones that have experienced loss, but those who feel they have to "Do it All" for others to feel the season, or for those who are worried about what it will be like in the future when we are "alone" with ourselves - perhaps as being the youngest of an aging family.
As you slow down and feel all these huge feelings, you also learn to love yourself more thought it all. It's the chance to be alone with the big feelings, to feel resilient that you've handled even the hard things and to begin building into your life new enjoyable experiences during the difficult times.
What little rituals can you build into your seasonal holiday life that are just for you? Perhaps it's a season where you treat yourself to a massage, or a group meditation, sound bath, a facial, a jujitsu lesson ... write a poem to yourself every year this time of year. Commit to making a new recipe and adding it to your holiday rotation... whatever it is that can be comforting and your new method of celebrating life when our old holiday traditions are no longer available to us.

As a pre-griever (or as you call it 'anticipatory' griever) I absolutely get it. I'm pretty sure this entire episode of TMS happened because of the impending loss of my own Mum and all the emotions tangled up within it. This year I lost my own Mum and a pet very slowly and also my MIL and a pet very suddenly and unexpectedly. Both of these parents were very very attached to family tradition even though my husband and I no longer participated in them (because they were no longer available, even though these parents tried desperately to hang on and not have to grieve the changes). Within that, I think you are actually quite lucky you can feel these things. I think of my Mum and MIL and how they suffered emotionally because they refused to feel and deal with the changes of life.

Hugs to you. Be gentle and kind to yourself this season.
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Your compassion in this moves me greatly. Thank you so much. In many respects, I'm grateful this 'mid life crisis' is happening relatively early on. But its also a grief of how long I've spent worrying about stupid shit.

My wife and I are also navigating a fertility journey - perhaps expectations of having a child by now - comparisons of my own parents having me young. So that's heavy- another year thinking it would be the year passing by.....yet remarkable gratitude we've been able to go to South Africa. Below is an image.

I don't why I'm saying all of this - it's a cathartic form of journalling perhaps.

But genuinely, thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️
 

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Wow, loaded topic, dear Charlie. You are in the deep water now. The feelings this “brutiful” life requires of us. (I love that word! Perfect!) I have had this feeling most of my life because my mom got very sick when I was 14. I was prematurely in touch with pre-grieving. And now I actually have a habit of doing it… which when you get to be my age (twice your age!); there’s plenty of opportunity to muse the losses. it’s really an exquisite cup of poison, right? Because it is mixed with beauty— all the wonderful great things about life. The losses are horrendous! (I’m actually shockingly in grief over my 13-year-old grandson… thinking of all the times we had fun when he was little…and how he’s different now. He’s growing up!) I just tell you this to show you that it never really ends. I agree with cactus just sit with it and feel it. It passes in waves. But I can definitely validate you. It’s really miserable! Sometimes I apply the Pollyanna method and say I’m blessed that I have such beautiful things to grieve. It helps a little. Hugs to you!
 
Anticipatory grief is something I’ve lived with all my life. I lost my aunt when I was very young and then my dad when I was only 15 so everyone who came after I grieved with the weight of a lost child. However, it’s such a blessing.

I cherished every moment I had with my beautiful childhood dog, knowing I loved her more than life itself. There wasn’t a moment that anticipatory grief wasn’t just pure love and joy.

The fact you’re already grieving is the absolute outpouring of love that most people only experience when it’s too late and live to regret. What a kind and sensitive soul you must be to love someone that much, please thank your emotions for making you so.

I also posted recently about grieving my life before. But I’ve come to realise I don’t think I loved myself before, I pushed my body hard (to the point of severe injury). And in realising that I can love myself, I’ve started to become “nostalgic” about the future. What it might look like, who I might meet.

I’m becoming so grateful for and to my injuries for showing me the path I was on, and directing me somewhere else.

Grief is just love with nowhere to go but Anticipatory grief is love with no ending, and a longing for forever - something that is both beautiful and human and beyond.

Cherish the here, and the now. You more than anyone can see how much love is all around.
 
Cactusflower said:
Ah, nothing like a mid-life crisis of a sorts.
@CharlieEvans180 you will get through this. You're doing the best thing, slowing down and allowing yourself to feel it. It's just coming in one big wave washing over you.
You fear feeling alone. Your most trusted confidences and your "rocks" the ones who give you unconditional love like your Dad and your Dog.
The TMS brain is at work, creating doubt that you can make it on your own, that you are capable of emotionally navigating the world, but at the same time you have a deep understanding that you can because you know that life is both brutal and beautiful.
This time of year can be very difficult for people - not just ones that have experienced loss, but those who feel they have to "Do it All" for others to feel the season, or for those who are worried about what it will be like in the future when we are "alone" with ourselves - perhaps as being the youngest of an aging family.
As you slow down and feel all these huge feelings, you also learn to love yourself more thought it all. It's the chance to be alone with the big feelings, to feel resilient that you've handled even the hard things and to begin building into your life new enjoyable experiences during the difficult times.
What little rituals can you build into your seasonal holiday life that are just for you? Perhaps it's a season where you treat yourself to a massage, or a group meditation, sound bath, a facial, a jujitsu lesson ... write a poem to yourself every year this time of year. Commit to making a new recipe and adding it to your holiday rotation... whatever it is that can be comforting and your new method of celebrating life when our old holiday traditions are no longer available to us.

As a pre-griever (or as you call it 'anticipatory' griever) I absolutely get it. I'm pretty sure this entire episode of TMS happened because of the impending loss of my own Mum and all the emotions tangled up within it. This year I lost my own Mum and a pet very slowly and also my MIL and a pet very suddenly and unexpectedly. Both of these parents were very very attached to family tradition even though my husband and I no longer participated in them (because they were no longer available, even though these parents tried desperately to hang on and not have to grieve the changes). Within that, I think you are actually quite lucky you can feel these things. I think of my Mum and MIL and how they suffered emotionally because they refused to feel and deal with the changes of life.

Hugs to you. Be gentle and kind to yourself this season.
Click to expand...


I’m really sorry for your losses @Cactusflower - go gently x
 
31 here. Yup feel it too. When I’m busy and moving it’s not too bad. But those quiet moments, yeah it hits like a truck. I find myself longing to go back, to make things right y’know? but it’s just not possible. And compound that with chronic pain and I struggle to make myself believe that the future can be good, although in reality I view the past with rose tinted glasses, and am mourning something, that, at least in my case wasn’t really real or healthy.

I think Buddhism has lots of good things to say on topics like these. Just regarding the overall stress or dis-ease or dissatisfaction that encompasses the lives of emotionally aware beings. It’s tough out here!
 
Blinking nora - today is Monday and it still continues....but I recognise this as TMS. this is the latest obsession. I am aware of my physical symptoms but not obsessed by them- but I am now about these existential questions.........

In some respects, I now see why the brain creates symptoms - how long have these "threatening" emotions been bubbling away?! they have now come into conscious awareness.....I have in the past been afraid of dying, but it is only now where I am pondering my earthly mortality truly............my strongly held Christian faith isn't much of consolation either............but recognising this pattern earlier in life as well. In my teens and 20s, tracking how much of my life I had lived numerically............"ah, now I'm 20. Quarter of the way through". No wonder I grieve the 20s - as well as the time, also the wasted time over TMS......

What's the best way to give these emotions an outlet, without obsessing over them? Targeted time of journaling followed by meditation?

Much love to all! Being a human is fascinating. Seeing a counsellor on Wednesday...
 
CharlieEvans180 said:
I am now about these existential questions.........
Click to expand...
CharlieEvans180 said:
my strongly held Christian faith isn't much of consolation either...
Click to expand...
Charlie,
I’m glad you bring this up. I’m running across the spiritual aspect of TMS healing right now. It seems it is part of the learning process. Part of the journey. I, too, have a strong Christian faith, but soon realized with this TMS just how weak my faith really is. I’m not good at “letting go and letting God.” But, my TMS has driven me to God for comfort, and the intense yearning for peace and communion with Jesus throughout this process has built a stronger faith than I ever could have imagined. This has been a gift. Maybe it will become a gift for you, too.

I believe that instead of watching us go through this, God is actually walking through it with us. It’s all part of a Divine plan for growth of our souls. We are encompassed in love.

You are not alone in being afraid of mortality. I think we all are. The next life is unknown, no matter how firmly we actually believe it exists (and, I do!) My lack of control over the next life makes me fear it. But I say to myself—if God is love (as he says he is in the Bible), then how can his Kingdom be bad?

Prayer has been my answer to peace. And lately, I’ve been assuming God wants me healed (as opposed to merely hoping he wants me healed.) I’m praying with more conviction now, and it’s feeling good. My hope is growing daily. My peace is growing, too. And it’s also evident in my body as it calms down.

I am starting to firmly believe that there is a needed spiritual aspect to healing TMS. Anxiety is not from God. And Jesus has conquered this world—so He can conquer the anxiety within us.

Pray for peace, and you will find it. You are a sensitive soul. You feel deeply. And that makes you suffer deeply. But you are in the hands of God. Believe it.

☮️”Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John‬ ‭14‬:‭27‬
 
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This passage from Philippians 4:6–7 (KJV) has stuck with me my whole life:

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

My dad would say it to me all the time as a kid and I didn’t understand it. But since having pain, boy do I keep harking back to it. I’m in a bad flare today. But my dads voice in my head and this quote keep me grounded.

I think of it like this:
“Be anxious for nothing” is not a moral command it’s a regulation strategy.

“let your requests be known”
This verse encourages externalising distress instead of internalising it. Classic TMS recovery principles:
  • Naming fear
  • Expressing anger, grief, sadness
  • Stopping the body from carrying what the mind won’t process
“The peace of God… shall guard your hearts and minds”
That word guard is key.
  • Peace = parasympathetic nervous system activation
  • Guarding the mind = reduced rumination
    Guarding the heart = reduced emotional threat

I wasn’t a Christian before TMS really, but it’s brought me closer to spirituality and faith than I thought possible. I feel like maybe I was always meant for this journey.

I hope it might resonate
 
HealingNow said:
I hope it might resonate
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Very much so, @HealingNow! Thank you! I was looking at this passage the other day, and I like how you’ve broken it down in terms of TMS.
HealingNow said:
I feel like maybe I was always meant for this journey.
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Me too, and I don’t fully understand all the reasons, but right off the bat, I think I’m becoming a better person. I’m glad your faith has grown. It’s beautiful.
 
I ran into this 12 min video the other day about the verse you mentioned. “The secret Bible verse that destroys anxiety.” It really hit me. (It’s beautiful, btw, that you can hear your Dad’s voice saying it.)

 
You're all so beautiful. Thanks for journeying with me in this wobble. When I'm in an anxiety bout, I really struggle to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, the author and finisher of faith. I guess threat physiology hacks meaning ❤️ and it compresses time and speeds up time at once.

Genuine thanks ❤️
 
Early 40s, and finally could feel those feelings you describe. When I was in my early 30s, the mind was mostly on hitting life KPIs and feelings were more shallow and the deep emotions were set aside because they would take too much space and time and may get in the way of getting things done. It is nice to finally feel these deep emotions, not always pleasant but like digging out stuff in the old drawers. Feel it and let it be, like what Dan said in his recent video... I listened to that song a few times this week and it reminded me of my college years of collecting decoy western CDs from street vendors, those good old days...
 
louaci said:
Early 40s, and finally could feel those feelings you describe. When I was in my early 30s, the mind was mostly on hitting life KPIs and feelings were more shallow and the deep emotions were set aside because they would take too much space and time and may get in the way of getting things done. It is nice to finally feel these deep emotions, not always pleasant but like digging out stuff in the old drawers. Feel it and let it be, like what Dan said in his recent video... I listened to that song a few times this week and it reminded me of my college years of collecting decoy western CDs from street vendors, those good old days...
Click to expand...

this is great! I have hit many KPIs early - albeit missing the one "KPI" my wife and I heart long........but our future children need a emotionally mature dad and mum, so there is purpose in the waiting. I have realised the KPI hitting is futile - even though on the surface I said my identity was in Christ- clearly some of it has been in being a career-driven 20-something - being a "young leader" - and the like.

one of the truths I am meditating on is that I don't want to stop being a son. And I never will lose that, whatever age I am, whether a son to me earthly dad or Father in heaven.
 
CharlieEvans180 said:
this is great! I have hit many KPIs early - albeit missing the one "KPI" my wife and I heart long........but our future children need a emotionally mature dad and mum, so there is purpose in the waiting.
.
Click to expand...


I feel like you and me are on very much same trajectory. My grief is that I can’t have children if i have pain (we wanted them just before my injury and that put a stop to it!), but TMS is the gift that stopped me from hitting those life KPIs for the sake of it. I genuinely think I wouldn’t have been a good mother, with all the self-doubt, pressure, Type A personality traits I don’t think I’d have done a good job. When I get out the other side of this, im going to be someone I never thought I could, and that’s someone who loves themselves wholeheartedly (and thus loves the extension of themselves even more deeply)
 
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