Greetings from Chicago!

[HealingMe]

Kristin Neff's Loving Kindness meditation where you extend your love and kindness out to the world (META meditations) jolted me back into reality. When I felt that I was no use to anyone, simply offering kindness and love to the world began to give me a sense of worth. It also really helped bring my own personal beliefs to the forefront and helped me really affirm them, reminding me of who I really was, at my core and in my soul.

Powerful.

 

[Scott G]

Kristin Neff's Loving Kindness meditation where you extend your love and kindness out to the world (META meditations) jolted me back into reality. When I felt that I was no use to anyone, simply offering kindness and love to the world began to give me a sense of worth. It also really helped bring my own personal beliefs to the forefront and helped me really affirm them, reminding me of who I really was, at my core and in my soul.

Thanks for that Cactusflower. A great meditation that I'd not heard yet.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

Things will get better Scott. These waves of depression and despair are normal, what we’re going through is difficult. We shouldn’t fall into full victimhood but we shouldn’t be delusional either. We can’t adjust our mindsets overnight but if we push back at that despair just a little each time, it will eventually add up. You’re putting in the work, you’ll see lasting results eventually.

Pretty much exactly what I thought.

In a way, if you had someone with a consistent 7/10 symptom then they become used to it. Once they start the recovery, they may have days of 3/10 and then a day out of nowhere of 9/10. Naturally that will freak them out and that presents different psychological challenges than a consistent 7/10 (if you show someone something better and then take it away, they will be more hurt than if they never knew better existed).

I would keep that in mind when riding the waves - it's a normal part of recovery as you begin to understand what's possible

 

[Scott G]

Pretty much exactly what I thought.

In a way, if you had someone with a consistent 7/10 symptom then they become used to it. Once they start the recovery, they may have days of 3/10 and then a day out of nowhere of 9/10. Naturally that will freak them out and that presents different psychological challenges than a consistent 7/10 (if you show someone something better and then take it away, they will be more hurt than if they never knew better existed).

I would keep that in mind when riding the waves - it's a normal part of recovery as you begin to understand what's possible

Thanks Adam. I like the 'Riding the Waves' reference; which is a skill I've learned in my recent Dialectical Behavior Therapy sessions! heh.

 

[Scott G]

Whew! After my shower this morning I was wracked with several spasms in a row - the kind of which, in the past, would have meant a full day in bed; if not longer.

(After so many years you just get to know each loving detail of every bite, pull, spasm, twinge, etc lol. Each have their own unique character and arc of intensity/longevity.)

I'm going to chalk this up in my WIN category. Sure the day isn't over and more spasms and pain can follow, but let the future mind itself. Why a WIN?

1. My fear level remained relatively low. Normally this would have sent me into a huge tailspin of fear and anxiety. While there was certainly a note of fear, I was immediately able to talk to my brain and reassure it that all was well. Also did a quick self-compassion mindfulness exercise. This worked to keep me relatively calm.

It had been a very intensive day yesterday; with a huge amount of stressors around me for various reasons. I also had a rough 1/2 hour of waking up; as my mind was busy ruminating on several of life's issues that are pressing down at the moment (reminder: I'm in intensive therapy for anxiety, so the rumination is nothing new).

2. I continued on getting dressed, making coffee, filling my daily med container, logging into my computer for group therapy later, etc. I know now how important it is to try and not dwell on what happened; to continue in a mindful way to complete the tasks you had out in front of you to begin with...

As I got on with things - still telling my brain it's okay; we are working together on this and I understood why he felt the need to give me some zaps, but we are safe - the pain began to subside down to it's usual level of humming in the background.

Two things to mention in closing:
At about 3 hours into my morning I did take a Clonazepam for my anxiety. This felt a bit like cheating, but it sucks having TMS on top of a serious case of GAD. I normally don't take my benzos for pain flareups, but this was an exception. I'm fine with it.

I have to admit, it's now hours later and the fear and worry about having another round of these kinds of spasm is quietly lurking around. I hate that. The fear is certainly less than what it used to be, so that's good.... But still.... Ugh. I guess I have to give myself some grace on this, and recognize that I'm still learning?

Thanks all.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

1. My fear level remained relatively low. Normally this would have sent me into a huge tailspin of fear and anxiety. While there was certainly a note of fear, I was immediately able to talk to my brain and reassure it that all was well. Also did a quick self-compassion mindfulness exercise. This worked to keep me relatively calm.

Big win! That's what leads to healing in the long run

It had been a very intensive day yesterday; with a huge amount of stressors around me for various reasons.

Linking your emotions to the symptoms - again great!

I know now how important it is to try and not dwell on what happened; to continue in a mindful way to complete the tasks you had out in front of you to begin with...

Yes, but at the same time don't put too much pressure on yourself. Most with TMS their personalities, which involve a lot of self-pressure and criticism, were responsible for the pain in the first place!

As I got on with things - still telling my brain it's okay; we are working together on this and I understood why he felt the need to give me some zaps, but we are safe - the pain began to subside down to it's usual level of humming in the background.

Love that self-talk/mindset

At about 3 hours into my morning I did take a Clonazepam for my anxiety. This felt a bit like cheating, but it sucks having TMS on top of a serious case of GAD. I normally don't take my benzos for pain flareups, but this was an exception. I'm fine with it.

Perfectly fine and again goes back to self-compassion - you are dealing with GAD too, so you're definitely not cheating.

I have to admit, it's now hours later and the fear and worry about having another round of these kinds of spasm is quietly lurking around. I hate that. The fear is certainly less than what it used to be, so that's good.... But still.... Ugh. I guess I have to give myself some grace on this, and recognize that I'm still learning?

Yes and you improve through (in part) better reactions to the symptoms - so next time is just another opportunity to practice that - your lowering fear is what will lower the symptoms over time

 

[Scott G]

Thanks so much, Adam. I appreciate the great feedback and that I'm on the right track.

I meet with my pain coach tonight, and then next week is my 2nd session with my new anxiety/pain reprocessing psychologist. After that, I'll meet with the psychologist once a week - as I'm wrapping up my intensive IOP therapy and heading back to work next week and sure could use the regular/weekly sessions.

It's great to be able to stop by here and get feedback from you, Rabscuttle, and so many others in-between my formal sessions. Definitely makes me feel like I'm not alone, and part of a community to be here. Thanks again.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

Thanks so much, Adam. I appreciate the great feedback and that I'm on the right track.

I meet with my pain coach tonight, and then next week is my 2nd session with my new anxiety/pain reprocessing psychologist. After that, I'll meet with the psychologist once a week - as I'm wrapping up my intensive IOP therapy and heading back to work next week and sure could use the regular/weekly sessions.

It's great to be able to stop by here and get feedback from you, Rabscuttle, and so many others in-between my formal sessions. Definitely makes me feel like I'm not alone, and part of a community to be here. Thanks again.

You're welcome, we are all rooting for you!

 

[Scott G]

Just pointing this thread to the sequel thread HERE.