First, I'll go over how I overcame severe back and leg pain after two failed back surgeries with the help of Dr. Sarno's books and Dr. Eisendorf's clinic in Santa Cruz, California. Then, I'll describe my current dilemma dealing with hip pain that I'm convinced is TMS, however the methods I used years ago for back pain are just not working...
"The back pain started in the winter of 1999 – 2000, coincidentally after I bought a new exercise machine (that for some time I blamed for causing the pain). I was referred to a doctor at Stanford who specialized in back pain. He was not a neurosurgeon, but instead was a physiatrist focusing on rehabilitation related to the musculoskeletal system -- bones, joints, muscles, ligaments, tendons, and nerves. I had lots of PT sessions as well as follow-ups with this doctor over many months. In the late spring of 2000, I had an epidural injection in my back that for a week seemed to reduce the pain, however it quickly came back in full force.
I continued seeing this doctor into the fall of 2000, and I finally told him I wanted a second opinion. At that point he suggested I try his new experimental procedure called an IDET (where a heating probe is inserted into the suspect vertebrae, and the vertebrae is roasted). We did this procedure in early 2001. The pain increased significantly after this. I continued PT at a new clinic and walked extensively every day. Sitting normally in most chairs was very difficult, and we bought a special electric recliner that provided a “zero gravity” position. Also, I built a special contraption out of PVC pipe that would hold my laptop and mousepad when I was fully reclined. When not walking, I spent the majority of my time in the chair. I took lots of Vicodin. My sensitivity to chairs was so great that when we went out to dinner I had to go into a restaurant and check out sitting in the chairs before we could actually go in and eat. Also, I could not stand in one place for any length of time without extreme pain and was therefore terrified of travel where I might have to stand in a security or immigration line. The pain was not only in my back but occasionally there was pain and burning shooting down my leg. Since the pain was not located at the site of the suspect vertebrae, doctors tended to call this “referral pain”. Doctors also described my vertebrae that showed narrowed nerve canals on MRIs as having “degenerative disc disease”. It turns out if you search a lot of studies, you find that where MRIs were taken of older patients for other reasons but happen to also show their spine, most of them show the same disc degeneration over time but had no back pain. Essentially, everyone’s discs degenerate as we get older.
By the end of 2001 the pain was more or less at the level it had been prior to the IDET. I then decided it was time to try a more drastic solution and started interviewing neurosurgeons. I met with at least four, and together with them went over the MRI pictures. There was a narrowing of the nerve canal on the right side of a vertebrae, and my back and leg pain was on the right side of my body. Being an engineer, I saw this as a structural issue and believed this was the cause of my pain. I wanted someone who said “I can fix that”. Of the two most prominent neurosurgeons I interviewed, one of them had operated on a friend of mine, and his back pain was better after surgery. As we looked at the MRIs, however, that surgeon said “The nerve canal is a little narrow, but I don’t see why it’s causing you so much pain. I’m not convinced you really need surgery.” The other of the top surgeons looked at it and said “I can fix that”. So, in early 2002, I had what’s called a “laminectomy” where the surgeon removes bone within the vertebrae to widen the nerve canal, and also removes a portion of the partially collapsed disc. Another program of PT started, and I gradually felt better for a period of about 2 months. In the spring of 2002, more negative things occurred at the company I was consulting to and the pain started to worsen again. I went back to the neurosurgeon who operated on me and he ordered more MRIs (I believe to protect himself from a possible “failed surgery” lawsuit). He said that I had developed scar tissue, but that should not cause the pain. When I asked him why the pain was not located near my spine and he said “Actually, the causes of back pain are not well understood”, a profound comment in light of what I subsequently learned.
In addition to PT, I also started treatments at an acupuncture clinic in Mountain View. The pain continued to get worse and by early summer was worse than ever before. At this point, I was truly desperate and was closest to feeling suicidal than any other time in my life. I couldn’t sit, couldn’t stand, and not only was I miserable but I felt I was ruining my wife’s life. Not knowing what else to try, I decided to seek out a different acupuncture practitioner and found a woman in Los Altos fresh off the boat from mainland China. She didn’t speak English but occasionally her daughter was there to translate. As opposed to the standard one hour sessions at most clinics, she would spend as much time as she felt was appropriate (up to 3 hours, without additional charge). At the beginning of each session, she would take the back of her fingers and run them down from my back across my hip and down my leg in order to sense the temperature (and therefore the circulation level). Then she would do whatever she felt appropriate to increase the circulation including things like a treatment called “hot needles” and an unusual steam treatment done on a special bed. Although she spoke little English, the thing I remember most was her making me promise to NOT use ice and only apply heat – again focused on increasing circulation. Unlike the “painless” sessions at most acupuncture clinics, hers were not painless. They helped temporarily after each treatment, but I still was trapped in the same hell.
Then one weekend, my wife was talking with her sister-in-law who told my wife that she had a friend with back problems, and that friend was trying to get an appointment with a special doctor in Santa Cruz. The doctor (Dr. Eisendorf ) specialized in back problems and had studied with a doctor in New York named Sarno. At this point I was willing to listen to anything and looked up Dr. Sarno on the Internet. One of the first references was to his book called “The Mind-body Prescription” on the Amazon website. It offered the preface and beginning of the book as a free sample, and I started reading…
He described the personality type that is prone to mind-body disorders, and that seemed to accurately described me – a person who is driven, perfectionistic, and strives to be seen by others as a good person. He also listed common afflictions that are psychogenic - in other words real problems and/or pain that the body creates in order to distract the mind from painful thoughts. Many of these afflictions are things that I have had in my life:
· Chronic acid indigestion
· Nervous Stomach (IBS/gas)
· Stress-related skin problems:
o Hives, Lichen Planus, Rosacea
· Chronic back, leg, and shoulder pain
· Hay Fever/pollen allergy
· Plantar fasciitis
· Migraines
I’m a reasonably pragmatic person, and since I had already tried everything medical science could do to fix my back pain, it dawned on me that Sarno’s theories could very well apply to me. I remember the exact moment when I thought: “Oh my God, I’m doing this to myself!”.
It subsequently took months to be pain free (a gradual uphill climb -- 2 steps forward / 1 step back). However, from the moment of this revelation, I never again had a pain level equivalent to the days before. Also, the amount of pain meds required to make life tolerable immediately started decreasing.
The next day I called Dr. Eisendorf in Santa Cruz, told the nurse I was a TMS patient, and was given an appointment right away. He diagnosed me and concluded I probably did have mind-body issues, and suggested I attend some of his group therapy sessions with other TMS patients. I also bought Sarno’s other books and read them multiple times, starting with “The Mind-body Prescription”. I also did some writing about the things at work I believed had initially caused my problems. Three or four times over the coming weeks I made the drive to Santa Cruz in the evening for his group sessions. I remember at least one session included a presentation he had assembled showing data from different medical studies. The group sessions were quite useful, since as I listened to other people describe their experiences it helped to reinforce in me that this was truly a psychogenic problem and not a structural one. Overall, I would say it took about 5 or 6 months before days went by without noticing any back pain.
If you read any of Sarno’s books, you will see that he describes the main mechanism by which the body generates pain (real, honest to God pain) is by manipulating circulation in the area affected -- typically muscles and tendons in the case of back, leg, shoulder, and neck pain. He explains that the body’s mechanisms for controlling circulation exist to support the “fight or flight” response where certain muscles receive additional oxygen and other muscles receive less. Looking back to my many sessions with the Chinese acupuncturist, it makes sense that she was focusing so much on trying to establish circulation in the areas where I was experiencing so much pain (although she never told me why).
In one of Sarno’s books, he pointed out that since this really wasn’t a structural problem, and since PT was not really helping anyway, it was best to not continue PT. This was extremely hard for me since my PT therapist had worked so hard for so many months to try and relieve my pain. None the less, one day I explained to her I planned to try something different since everything I tried had not worked, and part of the new program was to discontinue PT.
As far as what events and situations tend to trigger my episodes with mind-body issues, I now believe that over time it frequently includes situations where I don’t have control over the problem that’s gnawing away at me. I’m typically a very control-oriented person, so that seems consistent. I believe the main contributor to my back pain was the political situation at work involving one of the board members and one of the cofounders. This was something that tortured me for months and I was powerless to fix it.
Another example where control was a contributor to a mind-body problem had to do with my first migraine. Up until that point I thought a migraine was just a bad headache. No one ever told me about the “lights” that appear and completely destroy your ability to see clearly for 15 minutes. For some people this precedes an actual headache, but for me I only got the lights. I remember the moment at work after I had turned the company over to the 2nd CEO (as agreed years earlier with the VCs), and I was then responsible for a few special projects. One day a resource I had for my most important project was commandeered by someone else, and I was powerless to prevent it. Within minutes the lights appeared and scared the hell out of me since I had no idea what a migraine really was. Over the next couple of years I had a few more migraines. Eventually I discovered how they were caused and was able to force myself to recall my thoughts just prior to the beginning of the migraine. Today, I have not had a migraine for over 15 years."
Now to the issue surrounding my current hip and leg pain dilemma...
In 2010 my wife and I built a new home in a beautiful location with tremendous views, without paying attention to the political climate in the area. Things were great for four years until one day someone shot a deer in our backyard. At that point it was clear "we were not in Kansas anymore". In 2016 a neighbor built a house next to us and decided that even though our rural cluster (1 acre lots) development should never have backyard shooting, he persisted in doing so. Over the next two years we had a number of altercations with him resulting in a major blowup in 2018. Not so surprisingly, my leg pain started just after that. I knew it was TMS. I tried to treat it by reading all of Sarno's books again, listening to TMS meditation tapes, and seeing multiple psychologists including two that were definitely trained in mind-body medicine. Nothing has worked.
I've had some reduction of pain on occasion by using Alan Gordon's "somatic tracking" technique, but that has not cured the problem. My feeling is that those techniques can reduce chronic pain where your body gets into a loop where it expects pain, but they don't treat the origin of the pain. In my case, I know my current pain mostly originates from my anger at the political situation - both locally and in the nation. Last year we decided we couldn't take it anymore and bought a lot in an area an hour from here where people are more like-minded. We hope to start construction on a new home there this year. My reality is that unlike the situati0n that caused my back pain years ago (a situation that had passed by the time I learned about Dr. Sarno), the cause of my hip and leg pain is still there facing me every day.
I fully understand that I'm doing this to myself, and I'm letting the poltical climate do this to me. But try as I might I have not come up with a way to overcome the pain. I sometimes wish I could be hypnotized and purge this anger to make the pain go away. So in conclusion, I'm still looking for a solution.
Last, I hope the story of my back pain experience can help a few people. I wrote that up a few years ago to give to friends and reatives who have back pain. Unfortunately, in general people don't want to admit that their mind could be involved in generating their pain. On the TMS Wiki , however, folks are at least open to the idea.
"The back pain started in the winter of 1999 – 2000, coincidentally after I bought a new exercise machine (that for some time I blamed for causing the pain). I was referred to a doctor at Stanford who specialized in back pain. He was not a neurosurgeon, but instead was a physiatrist focusing on rehabilitation related to the musculoskeletal system -- bones, joints, muscles, ligaments, tendons, and nerves. I had lots of PT sessions as well as follow-ups with this doctor over many months. In the late spring of 2000, I had an epidural injection in my back that for a week seemed to reduce the pain, however it quickly came back in full force.
I continued seeing this doctor into the fall of 2000, and I finally told him I wanted a second opinion. At that point he suggested I try his new experimental procedure called an IDET (where a heating probe is inserted into the suspect vertebrae, and the vertebrae is roasted). We did this procedure in early 2001. The pain increased significantly after this. I continued PT at a new clinic and walked extensively every day. Sitting normally in most chairs was very difficult, and we bought a special electric recliner that provided a “zero gravity” position. Also, I built a special contraption out of PVC pipe that would hold my laptop and mousepad when I was fully reclined. When not walking, I spent the majority of my time in the chair. I took lots of Vicodin. My sensitivity to chairs was so great that when we went out to dinner I had to go into a restaurant and check out sitting in the chairs before we could actually go in and eat. Also, I could not stand in one place for any length of time without extreme pain and was therefore terrified of travel where I might have to stand in a security or immigration line. The pain was not only in my back but occasionally there was pain and burning shooting down my leg. Since the pain was not located at the site of the suspect vertebrae, doctors tended to call this “referral pain”. Doctors also described my vertebrae that showed narrowed nerve canals on MRIs as having “degenerative disc disease”. It turns out if you search a lot of studies, you find that where MRIs were taken of older patients for other reasons but happen to also show their spine, most of them show the same disc degeneration over time but had no back pain. Essentially, everyone’s discs degenerate as we get older.
By the end of 2001 the pain was more or less at the level it had been prior to the IDET. I then decided it was time to try a more drastic solution and started interviewing neurosurgeons. I met with at least four, and together with them went over the MRI pictures. There was a narrowing of the nerve canal on the right side of a vertebrae, and my back and leg pain was on the right side of my body. Being an engineer, I saw this as a structural issue and believed this was the cause of my pain. I wanted someone who said “I can fix that”. Of the two most prominent neurosurgeons I interviewed, one of them had operated on a friend of mine, and his back pain was better after surgery. As we looked at the MRIs, however, that surgeon said “The nerve canal is a little narrow, but I don’t see why it’s causing you so much pain. I’m not convinced you really need surgery.” The other of the top surgeons looked at it and said “I can fix that”. So, in early 2002, I had what’s called a “laminectomy” where the surgeon removes bone within the vertebrae to widen the nerve canal, and also removes a portion of the partially collapsed disc. Another program of PT started, and I gradually felt better for a period of about 2 months. In the spring of 2002, more negative things occurred at the company I was consulting to and the pain started to worsen again. I went back to the neurosurgeon who operated on me and he ordered more MRIs (I believe to protect himself from a possible “failed surgery” lawsuit). He said that I had developed scar tissue, but that should not cause the pain. When I asked him why the pain was not located near my spine and he said “Actually, the causes of back pain are not well understood”, a profound comment in light of what I subsequently learned.
In addition to PT, I also started treatments at an acupuncture clinic in Mountain View. The pain continued to get worse and by early summer was worse than ever before. At this point, I was truly desperate and was closest to feeling suicidal than any other time in my life. I couldn’t sit, couldn’t stand, and not only was I miserable but I felt I was ruining my wife’s life. Not knowing what else to try, I decided to seek out a different acupuncture practitioner and found a woman in Los Altos fresh off the boat from mainland China. She didn’t speak English but occasionally her daughter was there to translate. As opposed to the standard one hour sessions at most clinics, she would spend as much time as she felt was appropriate (up to 3 hours, without additional charge). At the beginning of each session, she would take the back of her fingers and run them down from my back across my hip and down my leg in order to sense the temperature (and therefore the circulation level). Then she would do whatever she felt appropriate to increase the circulation including things like a treatment called “hot needles” and an unusual steam treatment done on a special bed. Although she spoke little English, the thing I remember most was her making me promise to NOT use ice and only apply heat – again focused on increasing circulation. Unlike the “painless” sessions at most acupuncture clinics, hers were not painless. They helped temporarily after each treatment, but I still was trapped in the same hell.
Then one weekend, my wife was talking with her sister-in-law who told my wife that she had a friend with back problems, and that friend was trying to get an appointment with a special doctor in Santa Cruz. The doctor (Dr. Eisendorf ) specialized in back problems and had studied with a doctor in New York named Sarno. At this point I was willing to listen to anything and looked up Dr. Sarno on the Internet. One of the first references was to his book called “The Mind-body Prescription” on the Amazon website. It offered the preface and beginning of the book as a free sample, and I started reading…
He described the personality type that is prone to mind-body disorders, and that seemed to accurately described me – a person who is driven, perfectionistic, and strives to be seen by others as a good person. He also listed common afflictions that are psychogenic - in other words real problems and/or pain that the body creates in order to distract the mind from painful thoughts. Many of these afflictions are things that I have had in my life:
· Chronic acid indigestion
· Nervous Stomach (IBS/gas)
· Stress-related skin problems:
o Hives, Lichen Planus, Rosacea
· Chronic back, leg, and shoulder pain
· Hay Fever/pollen allergy
· Plantar fasciitis
· Migraines
I’m a reasonably pragmatic person, and since I had already tried everything medical science could do to fix my back pain, it dawned on me that Sarno’s theories could very well apply to me. I remember the exact moment when I thought: “Oh my God, I’m doing this to myself!”.
It subsequently took months to be pain free (a gradual uphill climb -- 2 steps forward / 1 step back). However, from the moment of this revelation, I never again had a pain level equivalent to the days before. Also, the amount of pain meds required to make life tolerable immediately started decreasing.
The next day I called Dr. Eisendorf in Santa Cruz, told the nurse I was a TMS patient, and was given an appointment right away. He diagnosed me and concluded I probably did have mind-body issues, and suggested I attend some of his group therapy sessions with other TMS patients. I also bought Sarno’s other books and read them multiple times, starting with “The Mind-body Prescription”. I also did some writing about the things at work I believed had initially caused my problems. Three or four times over the coming weeks I made the drive to Santa Cruz in the evening for his group sessions. I remember at least one session included a presentation he had assembled showing data from different medical studies. The group sessions were quite useful, since as I listened to other people describe their experiences it helped to reinforce in me that this was truly a psychogenic problem and not a structural one. Overall, I would say it took about 5 or 6 months before days went by without noticing any back pain.
If you read any of Sarno’s books, you will see that he describes the main mechanism by which the body generates pain (real, honest to God pain) is by manipulating circulation in the area affected -- typically muscles and tendons in the case of back, leg, shoulder, and neck pain. He explains that the body’s mechanisms for controlling circulation exist to support the “fight or flight” response where certain muscles receive additional oxygen and other muscles receive less. Looking back to my many sessions with the Chinese acupuncturist, it makes sense that she was focusing so much on trying to establish circulation in the areas where I was experiencing so much pain (although she never told me why).
In one of Sarno’s books, he pointed out that since this really wasn’t a structural problem, and since PT was not really helping anyway, it was best to not continue PT. This was extremely hard for me since my PT therapist had worked so hard for so many months to try and relieve my pain. None the less, one day I explained to her I planned to try something different since everything I tried had not worked, and part of the new program was to discontinue PT.
As far as what events and situations tend to trigger my episodes with mind-body issues, I now believe that over time it frequently includes situations where I don’t have control over the problem that’s gnawing away at me. I’m typically a very control-oriented person, so that seems consistent. I believe the main contributor to my back pain was the political situation at work involving one of the board members and one of the cofounders. This was something that tortured me for months and I was powerless to fix it.
Another example where control was a contributor to a mind-body problem had to do with my first migraine. Up until that point I thought a migraine was just a bad headache. No one ever told me about the “lights” that appear and completely destroy your ability to see clearly for 15 minutes. For some people this precedes an actual headache, but for me I only got the lights. I remember the moment at work after I had turned the company over to the 2nd CEO (as agreed years earlier with the VCs), and I was then responsible for a few special projects. One day a resource I had for my most important project was commandeered by someone else, and I was powerless to prevent it. Within minutes the lights appeared and scared the hell out of me since I had no idea what a migraine really was. Over the next couple of years I had a few more migraines. Eventually I discovered how they were caused and was able to force myself to recall my thoughts just prior to the beginning of the migraine. Today, I have not had a migraine for over 15 years."
Now to the issue surrounding my current hip and leg pain dilemma...
In 2010 my wife and I built a new home in a beautiful location with tremendous views, without paying attention to the political climate in the area. Things were great for four years until one day someone shot a deer in our backyard. At that point it was clear "we were not in Kansas anymore". In 2016 a neighbor built a house next to us and decided that even though our rural cluster (1 acre lots) development should never have backyard shooting, he persisted in doing so. Over the next two years we had a number of altercations with him resulting in a major blowup in 2018. Not so surprisingly, my leg pain started just after that. I knew it was TMS. I tried to treat it by reading all of Sarno's books again, listening to TMS meditation tapes, and seeing multiple psychologists including two that were definitely trained in mind-body medicine. Nothing has worked.
I've had some reduction of pain on occasion by using Alan Gordon's "somatic tracking" technique, but that has not cured the problem. My feeling is that those techniques can reduce chronic pain where your body gets into a loop where it expects pain, but they don't treat the origin of the pain. In my case, I know my current pain mostly originates from my anger at the political situation - both locally and in the nation. Last year we decided we couldn't take it anymore and bought a lot in an area an hour from here where people are more like-minded. We hope to start construction on a new home there this year. My reality is that unlike the situati0n that caused my back pain years ago (a situation that had passed by the time I learned about Dr. Sarno), the cause of my hip and leg pain is still there facing me every day.
I fully understand that I'm doing this to myself, and I'm letting the poltical climate do this to me. But try as I might I have not come up with a way to overcome the pain. I sometimes wish I could be hypnotized and purge this anger to make the pain go away. So in conclusion, I'm still looking for a solution.
Last, I hope the story of my back pain experience can help a few people. I wrote that up a few years ago to give to friends and reatives who have back pain. Unfortunately, in general people don't want to admit that their mind could be involved in generating their pain. On the TMS Wiki , however, folks are at least open to the idea.
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I can still recall my reaction the first time I read a mental health article, a few months in, about how the pandemic represented the worst of two situations that human beings really can't handle: uncertainty and not being in control. And I realized that I'd been gradually feeling that way since (ahem) about 2016 or so (enough said about that). Continuing to recognize and accept this as the new reality is a significant factor in trying to maintain my equanimity these days. It's not easy, my friends! Aging doesn't help - esp considering that the rage of age is the trigger that tipped my lifelong mild TMS into a full-blown crisis back in 2011 when I turned 60. Somehow, that trigger is still there... 
...and yet I'm still mentally and physically better at 73 than I was back then, thanks to this amazing work.