Day 4 Goodism

[hopeful_guitarist]

I'm a goodist! This is one of the key insights I've had so far in my TMS research. The description on the Personality Traits page fits me perfectly. I need everyone to like me. If 10 people give me praise and 1 person criticizes me, I obsess over the 1.

So, do I need to try to change this about me? I think I remember reading that it's not necessary to change personality traits to overcome TMS, but would it help to try? And, if so, how would I even go about it?

I watched a TED talk a couple of weeks ago by a guy who was scared to death of rejection so he set off on 100 Days of Rejection where he would intentionally put himself in situations where rejection was likely. (It's a very entertaining talk - I recommend it.) I wonder what 100 Days of No Goodism (Badism? Selfishness?) would look like and whether it would be useful.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, hopeful_guitarist. Dr. Sarno writes in Healing Back Pain that we don't have to change any personality trait like "goodism" and that just recognizing it as causing physical pain is enough to heal. I do believe that, but think it's wise to try to modify the trait. I wouldn't care if 10 people out of 10 did not like me or criticizes me. That's their problem, not mine.

By modifying "goodism" I mean to try not to knock yourself out trying to please people. That's like bribing them to like you or not be critical of you. Like yourself, and be kind and considerate, helpful to others, if possible.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi hopeful_guitarist,

I like Walt's response and your question. I agree that you don't need to change your personality, or as Dr. Sarno said "you can't." But you can become more attuned to your real needs and act appropriately.

The "paradoxical theory of change" is what I subscribe to. In this approach, the more we clearly recognize what we do, how we think and feel, the more change comes about, without activating the "TMS personality traits" of pushing ourselves or having to do things perfectly --in this case, worrying less about what people think of you. With this approach, you'll change in an organic, appropriate way, rather than fueling/acting out a belief that you have to change something in you in order to avoid TMS.

This change will come through real understanding and empathy for yourself that you want to be seen and loved. As you see aspects of this more deeply, you will have more evidence that the Inner Child is experiencing feelings which "don't want to be felt," and therefore see more of the specific roots of TMS in you. Good luck in this loving journey.

Andy B