Goodism anyone?

[Marian]

Day 30 or maybe 31 of the SEP and I'm becoming very clear on some things. One is that beneath the anger, which I am now allowing myself to feel (finally) are abandonment issues. What the? I had been totally unaware of that. I find that I am so afraid of feeling abandoned (lots of childhood stuff) that I come to a full stop emotionally (freeze) whenever anything even remotely similar occurs. So seeing this.

Also seeing that although there are chores in home and work life that nobody necessarily wants to do, I always will do them, believing that other people can be harmed by doing what they don't want to do, whereas I can "take it." Again, what the? Other people's feelings and experiences are more valid than mine, to my goodist self.

After all, the experience of having to clean a toilet might make someone abandon me.

Trying to begin to let people in my life do the things they don't want to do, or share in responsibilities rather than taking it all on myself in order to keep everyone placated. This is uncomfortable.

Just thought I'd put it out here.

 

[BCR]

The worry you will be unlovable, abandoned, disliked by others if you don't take on these things is a great insight. My own experience with being "over-responsible" in the home, workplace, community, is that not only does it bring up internal anger issues, but others often actually resented me for nearly always being the "good" guy. Not only did I not accomplish being lovable, liked, and respected, I achieved in many cases resentment all the while dealing with the growing anger. I agree this is a tough pattern to change, others may not like it, and it will be gradual and take time.

By no means am I implying I have this all figured out, but two things that helped me were:
1) Making a deal with my anger. I actually wrote out a deal (yours may vary). I told anger that I realize I was repressing it and why (too dangerous), but that I now recognize it and won't ignore it. And that if it agreed not to become aggressive and did not sneak around disguised as sarcasm/criticism etc. I would welcome it to come out to be my partner in being assertive, that I need its energy and strength for this difficult and daily initiative.
2) Seeing aspects of compassion in my changing to let others become more independent and complete (adults and children) by learning to do these things for themselves or as their contribution to a family or community (and of course praise them when they do).

Cheers

 

[Marian]

Well said, BCR, thank you. I never thought of making a contract with my anger. I think it might also help me to make a deal with my abandoned inner child that I promise to speak up when I feel uncertain about what's happening and seek whatever reassurance I might need, rather than assuming that my feelings are of no value or would elicit some kind of extra punishment should they be revealed. Excellent ideas.

Makes my wrists hurt just thinking of them! I must be on the right track...