Day 8 Getting there...

[helenlambert]

Iys been quite a journey so far. I am so glad to have found this structured programme as it is giving me more hope. Its not been easy since I started, it was actually worse for a few days, but I am getting there. I no longer wake up so much in the night, I now get to 6am ish without having to get up which is good. I still take paracetamol at that point which I know does nothing, but I feel I have to do something. I struggle to keep my mind off the pain and on my emotional issues. I am journaling and wow... it is so weird. I am a very fast and accurate typist on the computer so i chose to type rather than handwrite. The weird thing is I can barely type when i journal. I literally type out gibberish. My brain is clear on what I want to write but my hands can't do it and I can barely read what I write. I have to stop myself from correcting it- perfectionist!! It is so weird though I have had this with anything else and even now I am typing fine. There is obviously something going on.

I am still strugging to work out what the repressed emotions are. When I am in pain I sort of go through some thoughts like a checklist... what am i repressing? Listing all the things I could be anxious, fearful or angry about. It doesn't help, but maybe it does long term as the pain is improving. The journaling is something that I need to do more of as I am finding I have some deep seated anger and am quick to react. I don't want my little boy to see this and so I am glad to have found this.

I have a couple of questions if anyone is reading? Should I stop myself taking paracetamol? I only take it first thing when the pain has got me out of bed. I know it doesnt help but something makes me do it. I try and stay in bed as I know the pain is no better getting up, but I lie awake for ages tossing and turning. I have a baby and so sleep is so precious to me, its awful to be awake when he is sleeping soundly.

My other question is has anyone had similar experience with the typing and journaling? My hubbie says it is clearly a sign that I have some seriously repressed emotions and I am struggling to let them out. I feel quite open with the journaling though, feels like I am getting it all out...

Thanks for any support you can offer x

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Helen. If possible, slow down or better yet stop taking the paracetamol. You know it doesn't do you any good, so let it go. You probably can't sleep because your mind is on pain, or the reasons you have any. Try telling yourself you will think about that in the morning or during the day. You will be doing things and thinking of other things when you're up and about. You have two children, one a baby. That would be
stressful for anyone.

Journaling on the computer is fine. Don't worry about typos. I make them all the time. I think it's because my mind is faster than I type.

I used to be awake a lot in bed but have found deep breathing to be the best... inhale through the nose to the count of 4, hold the breath to 7, then exhale through the mouth to the count of 8. Repeat 4 times. Then just breath slowly and easily. If you're not asleep yet, try counting backwards from 100 to 1 while breathing slowly through your nose. I also drink a cup of hot milk before I go to bed.

Give those kids of yours a big hug and some kisses and make sure they find some Easter candy you hide around the house.

 

[If 6 was 9]

Hi Helen,
That's an interesting thing you mention about the journaling. I too journal by typing, preferring to do it on my computer, mainly because I can type fast and keep up with my thoughts better than handwriting. I originally felt guilt about choosing to type rather than write as though it was somehow not as valid as writing it, which has a particular old world charm about it. But I don't really care any more. Just because it's using technology doesn't mean the words are any less true.
As for your typing gibberish, does that happen at any other time that you try to type quickly? If not, maybe you really are accessing something deep, in which case you should feel good about it.
In my journaling I haven't really hit upon any repressed emotions or memories that I hadn't been aware of. What I have done is reviewed memories that were painful and seen them in a new light. For some people there are definite memories that have been buried and when you retrieve them during journaling it's like a revelation. Then for others, possibly you and probably me, it's that there are a number of issues that need to be worked through which are all contributing to our present symptoms.
The important thing is the work - that's what I'm learning. There's a good article about this very topic by Steve Ozanich called Seeking the Grail which you might find helpful.
You're right to be wary about taking pain killers. I'm trying my hardest not to take them, but sometimes, usually when I'm mentally tired and just don't have the strength to fight it (or more accurately, to not fight it) I might succumb and take some codeine just to get me through work. I think it's ok to do this when you need to - you'll be the best judge. Don't punish yourself with the pain. What will help, however, is changing your attitude to the pain so that you can withstand it without painkillers. I'm gradually getting better at this so am taking pain killers less and less. This article by Alan Gordon, Breaking the Pain Cycle, I found very helpful.
Good luck, I know it's tough being a mum with a baby. May you get all the sleep you need!

 

[helenlambert]

Hi Helen,
That's an interesting thing you mention about the journaling. I too journal by typing, preferring to do it on my computer, mainly because I can type fast and keep up with my thoughts better than handwriting. I originally felt guilt about choosing to type rather than write as though it was somehow not as valid as writing it, which has a particular old world charm about it. But I don't really care any more. Just because it's using technology doesn't mean the words are any less true.
As for your typing gibberish, does that happen at any other time that you try to type quickly? If not, maybe you really are accessing something deep, in which case you should feel good about it.
In my journaling I haven't really hit upon any repressed emotions or memories that I hadn't been aware of. What I have done is reviewed memories that were painful and seen them in a new light. For some people there are definite memories that have been buried and when you retrieve them during journaling it's like a revelation. Then for others, possibly you and probably me, it's that there are a number of issues that need to be worked through which are all contributing to our present symptoms.
The important thing is the work - that's what I'm learning. There's a good article about this very topic by Steve Ozanich called Seeking the Grail which you might find helpful.
You're right to be wary about taking pain killers. I'm trying my hardest not to take them, but sometimes, usually when I'm mentally tired and just don't have the strength to fight it (or more accurately, to not fight it) I might succumb and take some codeine just to get me through work. I think it's ok to do this when you need to - you'll be the best judge. Don't punish yourself with the pain. What will help, however, is changing your attitude to the pain so that you can withstand it without painkillers. I'm gradually getting better at this so am taking pain killers less and less. This article by Alan Gordon, Breaking the Pain Cycle, I found very helpful.
Good luck, I know it's tough being a mum with a baby. May you get all the sleep you need!

Thank you those articles are great. You are right about the painkillers. I'm giving myself a hard time! I didn't take any this am so am getting there. It's more desperation than anything as I know it won't work. I can't take anything string as I am breastfeeding so it's a bit daft really.

Yeah I only have this weird typing issue with journaling. I write super fast at other times without a problem. It's literally a paralysing effect. I write through it but you wouldn't be able to understand more than a couple of words out of a paragraph. It's an interesting effect that's for sure. You are right I should be pleased as something is happening. I've always tried to be the strong one in my family. Prided myself on it, when really I was dying inside. Wow never told anyone that. Think I have just unearthed something there. Guess I am more of a represser than I realised. My family all had depression at some point but I refused to be like that. Hmmm. Revelation moment!!
Thank you x

 

[helenlambert]

Hi, Helen. If possible, slow down or better yet stop taking the paracetamol. You know it doesn't do you any good, so let it go. You probably can't sleep because your mind is on pain, or the reasons you have any. Try telling yourself you will think about that in the morning or during the day. You will be doing things and thinking of other things when you're up and about. You have two children, one a baby. That would be
stressful for anyone.

Journaling on the computer is fine. Don't worry about typos. I make them all the time. I think it's because my mind is faster than I type.

I used to be awake a lot in bed but have found deep breathing to be the best... inhale through the nose to the count of 4, hold the breath to 7, then exhale through the mouth to the count of 8. Repeat 4 times. Then just breath slowly and easily. If you're not asleep yet, try counting backwards from 100 to 1 while breathing slowly through your nose. I also drink a cup of hot milk before I go to bed.

Give those kids of yours a big hug and some kisses and make sure they find some Easter candy you hide around the house.

Thanks Walt. Will try that. You are right. It's my thoughts that wake me and then the pain that keeps me up. No painkillers this am. I can do this

 

[If 6 was 9]

Thank you those articles are great. You are right about the painkillers. I'm giving myself a hard time! I didn't take any this am so am getting there. It's more desperation than anything as I know it won't work. I can't take anything string as I am breastfeeding so it's a bit daft really.

Yeah I only have this weird typing issue with journaling. I write super fast at other times without a problem. It's literally a paralysing effect. I write through it but you wouldn't be able to understand more than a couple of words out of a paragraph. It's an interesting effect that's for sure. You are right I should be pleased as something is happening. I've always tried to be the strong one in my family. Prided myself on it, when really I was dying inside. Wow never told anyone that. Think I have just unearthed something there. Guess I am more of a represser than I realised. My family all had depression at some point but I refused to be like that. Hmmm. Revelation moment!!
Thank you x

Hi Helen, glad to be of help if I helped you unearth something. And I feel privileged that you told me something you'd not told anyone - it helps when we're all anonymous ;-)
Three quarters of the family I grew up in ended up with depression and still live with it - my dad was the lucky one who escaped it. I think just because you repress something doesn't mean you're necessarily depressed, repressing something is a natural part of being human. It's just the things we choose to repress, why we do it, and how big the emotions are attached to it that determines how much it can come back at you (in our case, in the form of physical pain).
All the best in your quest to defeat TMS!!