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Gentle and Bemused Change

Discussion in 'General Discussion Subforum' started by Lily Rose, Feb 3, 2014.

  1. Lily Rose

    Lily Rose Beloved Grand Eagle

    I simply wished to share that I have not, in the last four days (emphasis on days, not nights), taken my Vicodin. For the last several years, I have taken 1-1/2 to 2 within a 24 hour period. I am still taking my 1/2 at night, as I am unwilling (at this time) to endanger my sleep pattern. However, I consider it quite change to get through a single day without needing that pain pill. It has been slightly more challenging to keep my mood stable, but I am also of the age where unstable moods are norm ;), though my saint-husband would deny this.

    I could not have taken this step without this forum. Each story, each expression of despair and hope, each response, and each warm encouragement, not just to myself, but watching it flood forth for everyone .. this has all been absorbed.

    My yoga teacher used to call me a sponge. I quietly absorb until I am full, and then I make my move.

    I have taken a step, and it feels delicious.

    Thank you all.

    with grace and much gratitude,
  2. North Star

    North Star Beloved Grand Eagle

    So glad for your small victory, Lily Rose. And I feel the same way about this forum too; so many dear souls here. (Especially you!) And the encouragement is invaluable.

    I too am still taking stuff for sleeping but I refuse to be upset by that. One step at a time!

    Sending you love and hugs...
  3. nancy

    nancy Well known member

    Lily Rose, what a HUGE step you have taken! I am so very happy to hear that you are
    doing so well. This was a tremendous leap to freedom. Love to you, Nancy
    Lily Rose likes this.
  4. Mermaid

    Mermaid Well known member

    Hey Lily Rose,

    That's wonderful news, go girl ! I'm so happy for you, I was on a long list of serious meds and have been free of them for 19 months & 22 days, but who's counting ! Just go at your own pace, you'll know when it's right to take the next step. Once you gain confidence with a massive achievement like this you get the finish line in your sights.

    Big congratulations, and a huge hug :happy:dancea
    Msunn, Forest and Lily Rose like this.
  5. Ellen

    Ellen Beloved Grand Eagle

    Lily Rose,

    Congratulations on 'making your move'! I've shared my story on this forum of stopping pain medication. It was not without it challenges, but I never doubted that it was the right thing to do at the time for me. Taking it slow is a good strategy. You'll know when you're ready for the next step.

    And yes, this forum is truly wonderful, and you are an important part of what makes it so.

    Wishing you all the best.....
    Lily Rose and Mermaid like this.
  6. Lily Rose

    Lily Rose Beloved Grand Eagle

    Thank you all so very much :)

    I had wondered, if in the voicing of this, if my secretive mind would send up attempts at sabotage, and indeed, it did. Pain twisted me during the night, and dreams of a world-wide holocaust were re-awakened. In grade school, during the 70's, I began dreaming of nuclear wars. It was on the news, and in school we were told what to do 'in case'. Through out my life, end-of-world dreams, whether nuclear, volcanoes, earthquakes, were one of my warning signs of internal and deeply emotional issues.

    Since I was aware of the potential, upon awakening, I did not fear. The pain nor the dream penetrated my resolution. This is not to say that I may certainly succumb to taking the meds again, but there is strength to be found in knowing I can take one any time I feel that strongly about it.

    This method was used in dealing with clinical depression. When the awareness that death was always there, that I could either call upon it, or let it come when it may, it gave me a sense of control. Since death was always an option, I didn't need it. It gave me freedom to see what would happen tomorrow. Now, the depression has faded into the mist. When it drifts in, I glance towards that 'emergency exit', shrug and move on.

    The vicodin is my emergency exit. I can take it any time. No one is taking it away from me. The dreams, the pain ... these fade. Counting the number of days ... like Mermaid (19 months, wow!!), now that is fun! I'll start over should the need arise, but at the moment ..... think: Xena, Warrior Princess!

    with grace and gratitude,
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2014
  7. Lily Rose

    Lily Rose Beloved Grand Eagle

    Sleep is far to valuable. The day may come, and I do see it down that road, but not today. Broken and terrified sleep since the age of twelve ... calmer and assured sleep for the last three years ... mmm, not giving that up yet! The gabapentin is going to be more challenging than the vicodin. When I am ready to take those steps, it will be a long, slow process of easing off.

    You are right not to be upset by it. It is what it is ... until it changes *smiles*

    In belly dancing, there is a lot of wiggling and shimmying and flowing and twisting and twirling .... that is us. Our steps, when we take them, can be forward, backwards, sideways. It is a dance. So long as we continue to move, we are progressing.

    Let the music play!

    with grace and gratitude,
    North Star likes this.
  8. Mermaid

    Mermaid Well known member

    Hi Lily Rose

    This might not be true for you, but I dreamed a little more a few day after I made a cut in my pain medicine, whilst my body adjusted to the lower dose. It's my guess that this may be what you've experienced, so it's of no concern. Any medication makes me dream more than normal. At the height of my TMS I suffered terrible insomnia, which is thankfully now behind me, one thing that really helps me sleep is delta wave music, have you tried it ? The one I use is below, but you can buy it from Amazon.

    Just keep going, you're wonderful :joyful:
  9. Mermaid

    Mermaid Well known member

    Hi Lily Rose

    I've come off Gabapentin and Lyrica (Pregabalin), so when you're ready I'm here for you.
    North Star likes this.
  10. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    Congratulations you brave girls who have stopped or slowed down on taking medication.
    The best medication is the positive thoughts and images you give to yourself.

    Yesterday a notice from my mortgage lender said I owed a lot more than I have been used to paying
    each month. It scared me the other way of being s---less. I called to ask about it but their offices were closed
    so instead of stewing about it all night I watched a Sherlock Holmes tv movie and when it came time for bed,
    I told myself not to worry and there was some kind of mistake. I didn't even think about it and slept great.

    This morning I called and learned that there had indeed been a mistake and my monthly payment would
    remain as it has been.

    Positive thinking, refusing to believe the worst, and a prayer to God all worked together for me.

    Before I knew I about TMS, I would have popped some kind of tranquilizer.

    We an think ourselves into worry and pain, and we can think ourselves fine. "It woiks!"
    Msunn, Ellen, joseph32 and 2 others like this.
  11. North Star

    North Star Beloved Grand Eagle

    I can totally relate to what you went through yesterday, Walt. I was commenting to my husband the other day that I had reacted to something in a non-panicked way. I can't even remember what it was - it was that inconsequential. In times past, I could go from zero to all out fearful hissy fit in .02 seconds. Worst case scenarios conjured up while you wait! GAH!

    It was encouraging to me to see, as Lily Rose put it, a gentle and bemused changed.
  12. Mermaid

    Mermaid Well known member

    Hi Walt

    Sorry some fool messed up about your mortgage ! You handled it perfectly, as always you are an inspiration to us all :)
  13. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    It's funny... sometimes I am an inspiration to myself. haha

    It turned out to be what the chain gang guard said to Paul Newmanin "Hud":
    "What we have here is a failure to communicate."
    Mermaid likes this.
  14. joseph32

    joseph32 Peer Supporter

    Good start Lily Rose. I, like you, was on 2 vicodin pills a day for about 6-7 years. Today, I can say that I have been off for 23 days and it has been pretty good. The first week was a bit difficult, but easier after that. I think I was really more needing the pills mentally. Once I learned of TMS, my mind is different about my back pain. Sometimes I have no pain at all.

    " The process of healing is a definite, positive, mental attitude, an inner attitude, or a way of thinking, called FAITH. Healing is due to a confident expectancy, which acts as a powerful suggestion to the subconscious mind releasing its healing potency."

    Mermaid likes this.
  15. Dear Lianne

    Dear Lianne Peer Supporter

    Hi Lily Rose,

    I admire your strength, Lily Rose. I wanted to tell you that my former staff called me, "Xena, Warrior Princess", so your comment had me LOL! They even went so far as to take a photo of my face and paste it onto the body of the original Xena, Warrior Princess, and made it poster size! Needless to say, we all had a good laugh about that one.

    I too have some pretty awful natural disaster type dreams - unfortunately, several of the dreams I've had over the years have come true - Katrina, Japan's Earthquake and tsunami, and more recently, the typhoon in the Philippines. I wonder how many others on this forum have pre cog types of dreams, which can definitely contribute to feeling anxiety about the future. I wonder if that is another TMS profile personality? Anyone else here have wild dreams, some that come true? I am intuiting that perhaps this may be so.

    I haven't needed pain killers myself, but I totally admire your ability to ween yourself off. Losing sleep takes the warrior out of Xena :) Keep going and you will be okay. Don't go cold turkey though - it'll really get the TMS symptoms flaring.

    Peace to you.
  16. sarah430

    sarah430 Peer Supporter

    Congratulations! You should celebrate each and every victory. Hopefully this leads to many more!
  17. Lily Rose

    Lily Rose Beloved Grand Eagle

    I would like to hear about your experience coming off gabapentin. All that I have read sounds grim and dire, but I do not believe everything I read, either. I am not ready for that step, however, I do need to gather as much information as possible, so I can do my mulling .... and when I've soaked in enough, I can make my move.

    Mentally, yes. Vicodin gave me energy, and it gave me better resources to cope with the pain, emotionally and mentally. When I went on it, I was in a very bad living situation. It helped me on several levels. It has been a lovely crutch, and while I am not prepared to throw them out, I am prepared to move forward, and hopefully say - hey, I made it 23 days *smiles*

    I do not believe in coincidences. I believe in synchronicity. There is a reason for these intersections. Today, yes ... today ... I contemplated venturing into this .. other.. realm and putting out a post asking this question. I decided ... not to go there. You, Lianne, went there for me.

    I have touched on Synaesthesia (union of the sense, literally), and mirror-touch Synaesthesia. I even touched lightly on the presence of another being at times (as in, perhaps, angels). But I did not continue much past that. I wasn't really sure I should. But you have brought it out into the open.

    Pre cog isn't just in dreams. It can happen in those ... moments ... of stillness. It happened when I felt my father thinking of me and would tell my husband that I would be getting a phone call soon. Things have happened so often, that my husband, the man who does not believe in anything beyond this life, nor in psychic powers of any sort ... he believes in me, because it has happened so often.

    Deja vu is often where I am hit by this. I freeze in the midst of an activity, and explain the rest of the dream that I now remember in vivid detail, and it is continuing to play out in the waking world. Some say deja vu is a hiccup of the brain. It is ... sort of. For me it rips open the entire dream-memory.

    I never considered it related to the anxiety-pain, but perhaps this is so. My mentor, who is in his 80's, has stated to me often that he believes I live between the worlds, and that is why this world is so painful to me. It is a romantic idea, and helps to imagine it such when the pain is particularly bad.

    I am hoping others will have such stories, as well ... just so we aren't dangling out there *smiles*

    Thank you!

    with grace and much gratitude,
  18. Mermaid

    Mermaid Well known member

    Coming off Gabapentin wasn't too bad even though I was on a high dose, I had increase headaches and migraines, and insomnia. Lyrica was more difficult for me. I did it SLOWLY, the cuts my doctor advised were way too fast, when I made a cut I'd wait until the withdrawal symptoms died down, then I'd wait at least another month before making another cut. One thing I will say though is it was definitely worth doing, I felt so much better once off the drug.
  19. Lily Rose

    Lily Rose Beloved Grand Eagle

    Thank you ... this is how I will make my approach when I am ready.

    I started playing the delta music, and immediately liked it ... oh but you should have seen my husband's head snap around with widened eyes. "Oh no!" he said, knowing me as he does, "You are not ...!" He still shudders at the memory of piano music playing all night long, over and over and over. I assured him that if I get it, I would only use it pre-bed time and not let it loop. It would make a great meditation accompaniment. I've saved it on my iTunes wish list.

    with grace and gratitude,
    Mermaid likes this.
  20. Mermaid

    Mermaid Well known member

    Glad you liked the delta music, it's worked miracles for my sleep. I use it for meditation too.

    Once you get off all your meds, after a while when your body has rebalanced you'll really start to see some big improvements like I did. I can't emphasize enough to go SLOWLY, that's the key.

    Bless you :joyful:

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