So one year ago today is when I first started having physical symptoms pretty much throughout my body. I was diagnosed by a TMS doctor and started seeing a TMS therapist back in February. I haven't frequented these boards much because I was trying to stay away from having new symptoms latched onto by my brain so I apologize for that. However, I'm just so so so frustrated. I almost wish this was structural so I could have surgery and be done with it. What I'm frustrated about is that I just feel like I'm up and down and up and down and now I've been down for a few weeks. My pain is elevated to such a big degree and I just can't seem to get rid of it with meditating, crying, journaling or anything. My TMS therapist wants me to stop trying to figure out the cause and just allow myself to feel the intense tears and sadness that come out when I do let myself cry. I just feel like there is this hole in my chest. I also had a horribly stressful year last year before the symptoms and just turned 40 and have questioned my life (my marraige, my career and everything). There have been certain triggers for the back pain and then months with no pain where I played volleyball and everything. Again verifiying the TMS diagnosis. Certain pains won't leave at all though like the arm pain (I'm a gamer and work at a keyboard) and the ringing in the ears. Now my tension headaches are elevated. In all honesty, I've been talking to my therapist about major aspects of my life and if I'm truly happy. Triggers that sent my back into massive pain were two months ago and going on vacation for a week with my wife. It was tough because we drove for 10 hours to get to our vacation spot. And three weeks ago being the 5 year anniversary of my brother passing and Father's Day (doesn't look like i'll be able to have children). So those were tough days, but the pain hasn't let up since then. And since then I've been really looking at my situations and if I'm hapy or not and its just so stressful. Anyways, I just needed to reach out because I'm just so frustrated and feel like I'm never gonig to beat this thing. I'm trying to reread Sarno's books and also just finished STeve O's book. Was about to start Unlearning your Pain next. i really don't know what to say or why I'm writing other than the fact that I'm scared. Going to see my TMS doctor for the first time in a few months tomorrow so hopefully that will reground me a bit.