Flare Up?

[Carl]

Hi all, I posted here as I was starting the education program earlier in the summer. My journey is I hurt my back in February pulling a boot off my foot. I have dealt with chronic pain and other issues from various sources for about 18 months total at this point. I saw a lot of progress in the early summer, especially after I did a big bike trip in July. I went into the trip scared about my back, as it’d be a week of biking all day, 450+ miles total. I started the trip with pain, but I was listening to Alan Gordon’s book “The Way Out” and really felt good with his methodology. By the end of day 1 of the trip I said “screw it” and decided I wasn’t gonna think about it anymore. The trip went very well and I totally forgot about my back! It’s been about 2 months since and I’ve felt great, occasionally some minor issues but living life normally for the most part. However, a little over a week ago I felt like I completely reverted to where I was.

So, to be fair, I feel like this is classic TMS, but it’s still rough. Long story short, I met a girl! And I quickly started meeting her family. She invited me to her sisters wedding and that entailed spending 5 days with her and her immediate and extended family. My back was hurting leading up to the weekend, as I was stressed out about getting outfits sorted (turns out getting a suit on a days notice is difficult). The day of the wedding though, PHEW!, my back was killing towards the end of the night. I felt so defeated. It hurt bad the next few days too as I spent more time with her family.

I’ve felt pressure from her family about providing. I work a physical job (firefighter/EMT), so obviously the back thing is a concern long term to support a family. I also recently made a big career decision within the department, so that’s been a stressor as well. Basically I’m STRESSED about literally everything right now. Good stress (excited about the new girl) and bad stress (pressures, thinking about career options and or changes), but stress nonetheless. As I’m writing this I do realize it a bit more that this is clearly induced by recent events, but it’s just difficult and I’m worried sick and I’m tired of being in pain again. I haven’t touched any TMS related materials since mid July—I haven’t needed them since my bike trip. Now I feel like I have to go back. I’m also wondering if I should consider therapy.

Symptom-wise I have the same left lower back pain and the frequent feeling that the from my calf down on my left feels weird. Not numbness, or tingling, or even pain… just off, like my socks are too tight and my pant leg grabs my leg hairs more than the other side; hypersensitive. This is a familiar feeling. I don’t have any increase in symptoms when doing activities, bending at the waist, lifting, running, etc., though some mornings I wake up feeling tight in my lower back. Yesterday I did a pretty grueling 2 hour bike ride with no issues. It just doesn’t make sense. Why can’t I shake this? Am I going to struggle with this forever? Is there actually something structurally wrong? I lived just fine for two months, and now I’m just stuck in the vicious worry cycle again that started when I initially began having pain in February. I was worried about my back before, but now that I’m with her I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I lose a girl like her because of my stupid back!

 

[Cactusflower]

“Basically I’m STRESSED about literally everything right now. ”

So, what can you do to process your emotions around the stress and to change your mindset so that you don’t internalize everything with such intensity and fear?

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

I was worried about my back before, but now that I’m with her I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I lose a girl like her because of my stupid back!

Way too much pressure! It sounds like it's TMS, although if you have any doubts I would really review the evidence and perhaps write an evidence list if you haven't already.

It sounds very linked to stress and pressure - that's really triggering the danger alarm (assuming this is TMS), so you need to prove to your brain that you are safe (even despite symptoms) - the fear and attention (driven by this pressure) is the fuel for TMS pain. You need to take the pressure off of yourself as much as you can I think

 

[BloodMoon]

You need to take the pressure off of yourself as much as you can I think

I agree.

I’ve felt pressure from her family about providing.

I know some people have whirlwind romances, commit to each other within a few weeks or months and stay together until they “shuffle off this mortal coil”, but for most, the early months of being with someone are a time for dating, getting to know each other, enjoying each other’s company, and being at least a bit carefree.

I appreciate that you’re very taken with this girl and, as such, you don’t want to lose her. It may well be that your feelings will remain just as strong after you’ve had more time to get to know her properly. However, our brains create symptoms as an alarm system, and in this case your brain may well be giving you an appropriate warning message to slow down. Pressure from her family about “providing” this early on is, in my view, a big red flag: it suggests expectations are being loaded onto the relationship before you’ve even had time to see if you’re compatible long term.

It’s true that TMSing brains more than tend to overreact and see danger in things that are innocuous. Even so, you are allowed to want things to unfold at a pace that feels safe and sane for you. If she’s the right person, she’ll respect that. If she (or her family) can’t, that’s useful information in itself.

I think you may have a triple whammy going on here: a brain possibly fearful of you making a mistake and being steamrolled into something you haven’t had time to properly assess; a brain seemingly daunted and fearful of all the responsibility of being a “provider” (this perhaps to have included making changes to your career when you may or may not have otherwise wanted to); and, on top of that, the fear of losing the girl (because you didn’t act “fast enough”). All three together will amplify the alarm signals. The key question is: underneath the noise, is there a genuine signal about pace, pressure and expectations that’s worth listening to?

While you're deciding that, you can use basic mind-body/TMS tools – naming the fears, labelling the alarm as "alarm, not damage", and gently refocusing your attention onto what you're doing or something neutral or meaningful – to reduce the pressure while you work out what feels right.