Flare and fear

Cactusflower

Cactusflower

Beloved Grand Eagle
I’m in a flare.
There was no “obvious” physical cause but sitting.. and even before yesterday (for the last few weeks) I had sensed some sensations that I don’t care for. I’ve also been resisting meditation because my mind has been so busy.
I have a lot of triggers happening and one is a big gig coming up next weekend (big as in I place importance on it).
I listed a lot of my fears and angers yesterday. It’s amazing how they can pile up and then how many little ones reveal themselves through the day. There have also been a few larger triggers.. anxiety of course. I don’t often get offered jobs anymore, but I have one that is very important to me coming up next week and that is huge anxiety maker for me…

Today I’m just going to try and get through my day best as I can. Navigate the feelings and thoughts. Be there for myself. I’m thankful for comments made on this form and from others who have gone through similar times and who have been very re-assuring that things pass.
 
Right there with you, I’m watching a flare pass today, and as I manage to shift my attention it fades and fades even if it does get louder from time to time. It’s so easy to put aside meditation while busy with life stuff even though it always calms me down and seems to make the next day a little better.
 
HealingMe said:
I appreciate your vulnerability. I am just getting out of a flare myself that lasted for a couple weeks. Yes, it always does pass.
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Do you ever find that it seems to help you reach a new level once it passes?

Although I don't relish these, I do find that I can often reach into a new space within myself once they pass.
 
That really resonates, @Cactusflower — especially the part about how fears and angers (and pressures) can pile up (and sneak in throughout the day). And of course, even things that are exciting can be a bit too much for the brain at times. When I’m in a flare like that, what helps me most is self-soothing and grounding/anchoring. Sarno talked about the soothe/rage balance, and I find it so helpful to keep that in mind — just gently shifting things toward calm and helping my thoughts rest on kinder things.

“Calm is not a place you escape to; it’s the space you create within.” — Rebekah Ballagh

I use little things from 101 Ways to Find Calm by Rebekah Ballagh — rocking or swaying, humming, counting, rubbing thumb to finger, lengthening out breathes... anchoring in the present moment (the cutesy illustrations belie the depth of the suggestions). They really remind my system that I’m safe, even when my mind’s racing or meditation feels impossible. Lately I’ve been weaving them through my day more and more, and honestly, I’ve been taken aback by how much more peaceful I’m feeling.

Sounds like you’re already doing something really healthy — being there for yourself and trusting that this will pass, and recognising that such flares often help you reach a new level (I for one have experienced that too). That all makes such a difference.
 
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Cactusflower said:
Do you ever find that it seems to help you reach a new level once it passes?

Although I don't relish these, I do find that I can often reach into a new space within myself once they pass.
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Yes! Based on my limited experience I've always reached a new level/space within myself. I gain much more clarity, confidence, and respect for mysef. However it can definitely feel like a bumpy roller coaster!
 
Although my symptoms remain to some degree, I have been living life to my best ability.
Morning breath meditations, some stretches (which are not comfortable and challenge my fear), walks, out to see some bands (standing for hours), out to lunch at my favorite rooftop place (walk up 3 flights).
Most importantly being ok in my mind when my body doesn’t feel safe and working on those feelings of physical safety. Reminding myself that the reaction I have to these sensations (and thoughts) is all TMS.
 
Cactusflower said:
Do you ever find that it seems to help you reach a new level once it passes?
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Interesting question. I always learn something new about myself with every relapse. I don't know about "reaching a new level". I continue to hope to find a kinder, gentler teacher than TMS.

You are very good about doing preventative type practices like meditation. I get lazy about these things and that may be why I continue to have relapses. Or maybe the only way to get my attention on things I prefer to ignore is pain and other TMS symptoms.

Wishing you a speedy recovery.
 
Ellen said:
Interesting question. I always learn something new about myself with every relapse. I don't know about "reaching a new level". I continue to hope to find a kinder, gentler teacher than TMS.

You are very good about doing preventative type practices like meditation. I get lazy about these things and that may be why I continue to have relapses. Or maybe the only way to get my attention on things I prefer to ignore is pain and other TMS symptoms.

Wishing you a speedy recovery.
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I don’t say this as advice as I am still very much putting the pieces together for myself, but I wanted to share that something that has clicked for me lately is shifting my mindset from doing things like meditation or exercise as preventative measures to attending to myself in the way that I actually really need. I have started to recognize that some amount of soothing is simply what I need throughout the day, and if that’s the case for me that’s not actually a big issue, in fact it is a strength to be able to recognize this and respond to it in a positive way instead of letting it get out of hand and manifest in other ways like a lot of people do. I think in the past I thought I could only soothe my anxiety with external things—escapism, distractions, leaning on my partner, even alcohol—but now I have found that I have that resource within myself.
 
cafe_bustelo said:
I don’t say this as advice as I am still very much putting the pieces together for myself, but I wanted to share that something that has clicked for me lately is shifting my mindset from doing things like meditation or exercise as preventative measures to attending to myself in the way that I actually really need. I have started to recognize that some amount of soothing is simply what I need throughout the day, and if that’s the case for me that’s not actually a big issue, in fact it is a strength to be able to recognize this and respond to it in a positive way instead of letting it get out of hand and manifest in other ways like a lot of people do. I think in the past I thought I could only soothe my anxiety with external things—escapism, distractions, leaning on my partner, even alcohol—but now I have found that I have that resource within myself.
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I absolutely agree with you @cafe_bustelo !
I allowed myself to let something in that really stole my peace. I'm still learning what and how that can effect me. Things were definitely building up but then I listened to a podcast which talked about horrific child abuse. My therapist suggested that I may have been a victim of abuse that I can not remember. I do remember many attempted childhood sexual abuses by strangers and I think it was just the final "straw" and a great reminder that I am the gatekeeper of my own personal peace. It's up to me to look at what I let in, and how, if it enters, it is let out.
Meditation once, or twice or even 10 times simply doesn't "fix" the situation does it. But repeatedly, over time it does absolutely shift the mindset in general in a myriad of ways that help us attend to ourselves.
I've gone back to simple 10 minute morning breath meditations and using the "draw my attention back to the breath" method. In the evening I have a favorite simple body scan I enjoy for 15 minutes. In between I have some breathing exercises that I was taught, that work for me. Helps my nervous system be reminded of that sweet spot that helps us feel balanced.
You are doing such good, and deep work @cafe_bustelo !!
 
Ellen said:
Interesting question. I always learn something new about myself with every relapse. I don't know about "reaching a new level". I continue to hope to find a kinder, gentler teacher than TMS.

You are very good about doing preventative type practices like meditation. I get lazy about these things and that may be why I continue to have relapses. Or maybe the only way to get my attention on things I prefer to ignore is pain and other TMS symptoms.

Wishing you a speedy recovery.
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I love your responses @Ellen.

I am past my flare but some deep part of me feels this may be my last one. It's taken me almost 3 years to get to a point where I actually value, prioritize, and care about myself. I never did before that. It's funny -- I was on the phone with my mom, and I could see all the things I've healed in myself, in her, and I realized, I've come incredibly far to change habits that were hurting me.

If another flare happens, I'm okay with that -- I no longer fear it.

I think Dr. Claire Weekes said it best:

Recovery is the final establishment of the right attitude of mind.
You can practise thinking the right way, however deep you may find yourself in setback.
It is difficult to switch from despair to quiet, determined hope, but you can do it.
 
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