jwiles
Peer Supporter
So today i decided i'm not going to journal. Not because i can't do it but because i want to take a day break from it. I figure taking a day off isn't going to kill me. The last week has been sort of depressing i'm thinking that the stress of it has caused a flair up of pain. I think i may be experiencing extension bursts as well. I'm not 100 percent sure what that is but i think it's where you're close to the breakthrough and the pain comes on strong in a last attempt to continue the pain. Well it's been almost a month that i've returned to the TMS theory and i have to say the first three weeks were almost flawless. I've been able to return to typing a lot and i've been playing more guitar here and there. My pain at work hasn't been crippling and i've been able to get through it with little concern. I've even had a lot of days where if i wasn't doing anything i would have no pain in any sense. But this last week has been a nightmare. I know i have TMS i know it's the cause of all my pain and concern. I realize a lot of the triggers to my pain. The perfectionist attitude and the repressed stress i was feeling when all the symptoms started. I really don't think i've missed much so far in my discovery. I just still seem to have pain right now. With that being said it isn't bad enough to where i'm backsliding as far as activities go i'm still typing and i'm still doing all my regular activities i'm just experiencing a lingering pain. Let me discuss my week to give an idea of why the pain might of returned. For starters i've been having more issues of panic attacks and that's been a big concern. I don't even want to go out into public lately because i'm afraid i'll have a panic attack and i have had a few. That's been enough stress on me. Plus me and my girlfriend have been arguing over it. She wants to get out and do more now and i just can't stand it at the moment. I love doing things it's just i don't enjoy the panic episodes that come with it. She wants to move to a bigger city soon and i've been worrying about that because i don't feel ready. I'm terrified enough of the small crowds i don't like the idea of coming out of my comfort zone right now. If anyone has read my posts lately my father died of liver and kidney failure on apric the third. He had a small dog named carma and i promised i'd take care of that animal well for my fathers sake. He loved that animal very much. A Few nights ago i let her out to use the bathroom quickly because she didn't really get to go out much during the day. I should of known better because recently shes had a tendency to be defiant and run off. Well she ran off and wouldn't come back when i called her. I went out a few times more that night and called for her but she didn't come. By bed time i had forgotten that i let her out in the first place. I went to sleep and didn't even think anything of it. Usually she would just come back and sit at the door until i would eventually let her in. Well when i went up the road the next morning i found her dead on the side of the street. I feel extremely responsible for that animals death. It was a horrible situation and i wish i would of used better judgement. I just keep wondering what my father might think of the situation and it's depressing. Another issue is i've been going to see a psychiatrist lately and he has diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. He keeps giving medicine i don't want to take and the only reason i'm considering it is for my family which is concerned about my mental health. I was mainly arguing with him today because i was more concerned with the anxiety than any issues that come with bipolar. He continues to insist when i have my bipolar under control i'll have my anxiety under control. Last night was my peak in weekly pain. I was aggravated i had to see him today and i couldn't sleep because someone stayed on the phone all night. I started thinking what's the use i'm just gonna be in pain forever. That wasn't helpful. Well i'm going to stop typing today because i am starting to get a slight pain in my fingers but that's ok because i've been able to type a pretty significant amount just on this post. I think with recent events it's understandable why my pain has made somewhat of a return.
