Hey there, TMS community.
I've been dipping my toes in the water here for a while now, but I've barely engaged. Even though this is anonymous, I think I've felt shame about opening up – like I should be able to go it alone and do it myself. But I can't. I am finally admitting here that I need help. I've read the books, listened to the podcasts, tried a lot of the practices, but I'm just stuck. And I think that my intellectual understanding is deep enough that I'm now officially TMSing over the material and procrastinating on healing. I'd really love some insight if anybody has it.
A bit of background.
I had pain in my lower back which turned into sciatica about 8 years ago. At that time, my reservoir of rage was definitely spilling over. I went through a marriage annulment, split with a company founder, and moved apartments all in the same 3-month period. After a 2-year long circus of typical treatments (injections, PT, acupuncture, chiro, gadgets, etc) , I had a "book cure" after reading Healing Back Pain 3 times (the first time I was PISSED at the person who gave it to me, but then picked it up again 2 weeks later). It was glorious, and I became your typical TMS evangelist.
What I didn't realize at the time was that the knee pain/swelling I developed after my back pain healing was TMS, and I ended up having surgery for it. Which "fixed" it, but then I got mid back pain, psoriasis, and developed insomnia (the kind where I wake up in the middle of the night and can't return to sleep). That was over 3 years ago now. I've been working at healing ever since. I did 6 months of talk therapy with a TMS-trained analyst, and immersed myself in the material, and journaled and meditated. I did a skype chat with Steve. Most recently, I have been using the Curable app.
Since I've know it's TMS this whole time, I haven't had trouble with physical activity. I do everything I used to (with what energy I have, of course): swimming, weights, yoga. What's weird (but maybe normal?) is that my pain and insomnia now feel like 1 thing. They've joined forces! It almost feels like TMS has me cornered in my weakest spot – tired and in pain at 3am, wishing I could sleep, struggling to figure out how to handle it. I'll lay there and think: do I try to lay there and "surrender" to the pain? Do I get up and journal through my haze?
I think what made it easy for me to overcome the first time was that when I physically pushed myself and felt better, not worse, it was so obvious to me what was happening. I was able to expose my brain's trick so easily. This time I feel like I'm stuck in this deeply conditioned cycle and there's nothing physical so far that is convincing me out of it.
I know that I'm thinking about this wrong somehow – that I shouldn't be figuring out what to "do" at all. That I'm "already healed." Well, I say I know, but I guess I have to admit that I don't. I know it intellectually. But I'm obviously missing something still.
Thanks for reading, and I appreciate any help people can give.
I've been dipping my toes in the water here for a while now, but I've barely engaged. Even though this is anonymous, I think I've felt shame about opening up – like I should be able to go it alone and do it myself. But I can't. I am finally admitting here that I need help. I've read the books, listened to the podcasts, tried a lot of the practices, but I'm just stuck. And I think that my intellectual understanding is deep enough that I'm now officially TMSing over the material and procrastinating on healing. I'd really love some insight if anybody has it.
A bit of background.
I had pain in my lower back which turned into sciatica about 8 years ago. At that time, my reservoir of rage was definitely spilling over. I went through a marriage annulment, split with a company founder, and moved apartments all in the same 3-month period. After a 2-year long circus of typical treatments (injections, PT, acupuncture, chiro, gadgets, etc) , I had a "book cure" after reading Healing Back Pain 3 times (the first time I was PISSED at the person who gave it to me, but then picked it up again 2 weeks later). It was glorious, and I became your typical TMS evangelist.
What I didn't realize at the time was that the knee pain/swelling I developed after my back pain healing was TMS, and I ended up having surgery for it. Which "fixed" it, but then I got mid back pain, psoriasis, and developed insomnia (the kind where I wake up in the middle of the night and can't return to sleep). That was over 3 years ago now. I've been working at healing ever since. I did 6 months of talk therapy with a TMS-trained analyst, and immersed myself in the material, and journaled and meditated. I did a skype chat with Steve. Most recently, I have been using the Curable app.
Since I've know it's TMS this whole time, I haven't had trouble with physical activity. I do everything I used to (with what energy I have, of course): swimming, weights, yoga. What's weird (but maybe normal?) is that my pain and insomnia now feel like 1 thing. They've joined forces! It almost feels like TMS has me cornered in my weakest spot – tired and in pain at 3am, wishing I could sleep, struggling to figure out how to handle it. I'll lay there and think: do I try to lay there and "surrender" to the pain? Do I get up and journal through my haze?
I think what made it easy for me to overcome the first time was that when I physically pushed myself and felt better, not worse, it was so obvious to me what was happening. I was able to expose my brain's trick so easily. This time I feel like I'm stuck in this deeply conditioned cycle and there's nothing physical so far that is convincing me out of it.
I know that I'm thinking about this wrong somehow – that I shouldn't be figuring out what to "do" at all. That I'm "already healed." Well, I say I know, but I guess I have to admit that I don't. I know it intellectually. But I'm obviously missing something still.
Thanks for reading, and I appreciate any help people can give.
