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Finally admitting that I need help

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Dewey, Feb 4, 2019.

  1. Dewey

    Dewey New Member

    Hey there, TMS community.

    I've been dipping my toes in the water here for a while now, but I've barely engaged. Even though this is anonymous, I think I've felt shame about opening up ā€“ like I should be able to go it alone and do it myself. But I can't. I am finally admitting here that I need help. I've read the books, listened to the podcasts, tried a lot of the practices, but I'm just stuck. And I think that my intellectual understanding is deep enough that I'm now officially TMSing over the material and procrastinating on healing. I'd really love some insight if anybody has it.

    A bit of background.

    I had pain in my lower back which turned into sciatica about 8 years ago. At that time, my reservoir of rage was definitely spilling over. I went through a marriage annulment, split with a company founder, and moved apartments all in the same 3-month period. After a 2-year long circus of typical treatments (injections, PT, acupuncture, chiro, gadgets, etc) , I had a "book cure" after reading Healing Back Pain 3 times (the first time I was PISSED at the person who gave it to me, but then picked it up again 2 weeks later). It was glorious, and I became your typical TMS evangelist.

    What I didn't realize at the time was that the knee pain/swelling I developed after my back pain healing was TMS, and I ended up having surgery for it. Which "fixed" it, but then I got mid back pain, psoriasis, and developed insomnia (the kind where I wake up in the middle of the night and can't return to sleep). That was over 3 years ago now. I've been working at healing ever since. I did 6 months of talk therapy with a TMS-trained analyst, and immersed myself in the material, and journaled and meditated. I did a skype chat with Steve. Most recently, I have been using the Curable app.

    Since I've know it's TMS this whole time, I haven't had trouble with physical activity. I do everything I used to (with what energy I have, of course): swimming, weights, yoga. What's weird (but maybe normal?) is that my pain and insomnia now feel like 1 thing. They've joined forces! It almost feels like TMS has me cornered in my weakest spot ā€“ tired and in pain at 3am, wishing I could sleep, struggling to figure out how to handle it. I'll lay there and think: do I try to lay there and "surrender" to the pain? Do I get up and journal through my haze?

    I think what made it easy for me to overcome the first time was that when I physically pushed myself and felt better, not worse, it was so obvious to me what was happening. I was able to expose my brain's trick so easily. This time I feel like I'm stuck in this deeply conditioned cycle and there's nothing physical so far that is convincing me out of it.

    I know that I'm thinking about this wrong somehow ā€“ that I shouldn't be figuring out what to "do" at all. That I'm "already healed." Well, I say I know, but I guess I have to admit that I don't. I know it intellectually. But I'm obviously missing something still.

    Thanks for reading, and I appreciate any help people can give.
  2. Sparrow

    Sparrow Peer Supporter

    My heart goes out to you. I wish I had great advice, but I'm afraid I'm in the same situation, where I feel like I understand TMS very well but still have pain. I'm sitting here with my leg all seized up, knowing it's not a real injury, knowing I should be able to go for a run right now, knowing it's just my brain... but alas, the muscle won't work.

    One thing I'm working on is trying to ignore the pain altogether and just improve my everyday life. I'm doing mindfulness practices, sitting meditation, being calm, positive, etc. I think it will be helpful to be in an overall good and peaceful place in life for any of the TMS recovery to happen. Though, it's hard to just smile and ignore it when you're laying awake at 3 am, or when ever step you take is painful...
  3. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi Dewey,

    Welcome to the Forum! I think it is wonderful that you're accepting help. At the same time, the real answers will no doubt come only by your own sincere work, which you've been doing.

    I like Sparrow's suggestions about enjoying life, and acknowledging growth in skills, rather than focusing on outcome.

    If you think this is true:
    ---then, as Sparrow is doing, I think it might be helpful to "not worry about symptoms at all." Release your attachment to getting better, and let all the work you're doing take its time to mature in you, without effort to "do or find out more." Developing believable, reassuring statements to yourself is very helpful in this.

    This is a good success story, posted by a long-time sufferer, which includes the efficacy of not caring about the symptoms any longer:

    http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/i-can-finally-say-it-i%E2%80%99m-a-success-story.20027/ (I Can Finally Say IT! Iā€™m A Success Story!!)

    Andy B
  4. Dewey

    Dewey New Member

    That story was really helpful, and I appreciate the advice. It's definitely resonating with me.

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