Feeling worse after doing compassionate enquiry (Gabor mate)

[Lee222]

There are so many answers right in this one sentence.
You need to punch the crap out of mom in your mind. The you that was you back then is still inside of you. Get a pen and paper and write it all out without restraint. It's OK to say/write, "I HATE YOU, YOU FUCKING BITCH. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU." Even if you love her greatly. Toss the paper afterwards. It's not to tell her these things it's just to get it out. Our natural temper tantrums get suppressed. As civilized humans we aren't supposed to feel that way or act that way and yet at our biological roots we evolved to have anger. And while you are at it, you can tell that therapist to go fuck herself too.

I think women therapists don't like men having anger to women

 

[Booble]

I think women therapists don't like men having anger to women

Women therapists that specialize in Sarno's TMS encourage it since finding and accepting your hidden anger is literally the premise of this treatment.
Glad you are getting to the root of your anger, which clearly is aimed at your mother, your therapist and perhaps a lot of other women that have been in your life.
Go find that anger, feel, accept that anger and then send it off.
CAUTION: Remember to feel the anger but don't act externally on the anger. If you feel like you want to hurt someone in real life, seek real therapy ASAP.

 

[Lee222]

Women therapists that specialize in Sarno's TMS encourage it since finding and accepting your hidden anger is literally the premise of this treatment.
Glad you are getting to the root of your anger, which clearly is aimed at your mother, your therapist and perhaps a lot of other women that have been in your life.
Go find that anger, feel, accept that anger and then send it off.
CAUTION: Remember to feel the anger but don't act externally on the anger. If you feel like you want to hurt someone in real life, seek real therapy ASAP.

Send it off how though?

I worry I'll be feeling angry 24/7 that's gonna make people avoid me

 

[Booble]

Send it off how though?

I worry I'll be feeling angry 24/7 that's gonna make people avoid me

Actually the reverse is what happens. When you dig deep and allow yourself to feel it makes you LESS angry 24/7.
Have you ever experienced having a thought you want to remember when you are in bed at night and then you can't fall asleep because your mind wants to keep thinking about so that you won't forget? And if you get up and write it down you can fall asleep because it's safely written down for future reference?
It's the same thing with that anger. Because it's all sitting in there you are continually feeling however you are feeling because your inside doesn't want to forget it. But once you actually deal with it then you can let it go. Getting in there with a pen and paper in hand and having your temper tantrum in ink allows you to let it go. Because it's a temper tantrum that was left unsaid from when you were young. Today you don't need the temper tantrum because you are a rational adult. But you have to have it first so you can set it free.
I actually draw a doodle of the anger in a balloon going away after I swear and write horrible things but I don't know if that is necessary.

 

[Lee222]

Okay I've tried pretty much all of those things over the last few weeks and I'm still at the same place.

I called to my mum's today, to see if the anger was still there and it is, so overwhelming, it's awful..

I cut myself on the leg at times, just to get a bit of relief, how long is it supposed to take?

I've been in therapy for 20 years and become aware of this emotion 20 years ago but I'm unable to move it for some reason

 

[Booble]

Okay I've tried pretty much all of those things over the last few weeks and I'm still at the same place.

I called to my mum's today, to see if the anger was still there and it is, so overwhelming, it's awful..

I cut myself on the leg at times, just to get a bit of relief, how long is it supposed to take?

I've been in therapy for 20 years and become aware of this emotion 20 years ago but I'm unable to move it for some reason

When you get a pen and paper in hand are you able to let go and really write?
Can you get into a half asleep/half awake zone and let the stuff really down deep bubble up?
Have you tried reaching out during writing to your little (younger self)?
My most effective writing sessions, where pain sometimes literally stops on a dime, is when I hand the pen over to my little self and let her do the writing.
I know this all sounds weird but if you can get into that fugue state zone it works really well.

 

[Lee222]

I kind of can but I'm not sure exactly

I don't know what to write, I'm 100 % aware of the emotions but she's a complex person and a complex situation, i don't know why I'm angry, I just know it's there.

She's very intelligent so there'll be some manipulation involved that I'm probably not seeing,.or some control that is impossible to navigate, so there can be writing involved but its mainly just raw emotion, I've been close to punching her a few times

 

[Booble]

I kind of can but I'm not sure exactly

I don't know what to write, I'm 100 % aware of the emotions but she's a complex person and a complex situation, i don't know why I'm angry, I just know it's there.

She's very intelligent so there'll be some manipulation involved that I'm probably not seeing,.or some control that is impossible to navigate, so there can be writing involved but its mainly just raw emotion, I've been close to punching her a few times

Punch her in your mind. Over and over and over. Punch her on paper. And find out the deeper reason you want to punch her. Not that she's manipulative, but that you want her love you. Or to love you more than she loves someone or something else. Or to not abandon you. To take care of you. Love you and keep you safe. Get mad at her for not doing those things (or whatever). In your mind. On paper. And when you finish, you might be able to see that she's a broken person too. That hurt people hurt people. That's she's human and fallible and maybe she's a sucky person. And maybe she didn't love you as much as little you needed or wanted and you can get mad, mad, mad at that while still your adult brain understands and has sympathy for her and her being shitty.
Note that this is just examples as I don't know your situation but to help you try and get in the frame of mind where you can get to that kind of stuff.

 

[Cactusflower]

Just sit with pen and paper and start.
No planning or worrying what to write. Start with
A complex person. Sometimes I want to punch them…
Sit with that - it should help you get a running start.

 

[Booble]

Just sit with pen and paper and start.
No planning or worrying what to write. Start with
A complex person. Sometimes I want to punch them…
Sit with that - it should help you get a running start.

This answer is better than mine. I shouldn't put words in your mouth.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

I don't know what to write

You're overthinking it. Stop thinking. Just start scribbling shit down even if the first words you write are literally tbis: "I don't know what to write". Keep writing those words until you get frustrated and other shit starts coming out of your pen, even if it makes NO sense. Scribble as fast as you can and do not make it legible to anyone, even yourself. Don't think, don't plan, don't edit, don't use full words or punctuation or grammar or sentence structure or correct spelling and for fuck's sake don't go back and proofread or change anything.

Use crappy old notebook paper or the blank side of already-used paper you're going to toss anyway. When the paper is full of your scribbling, destroy it. Immediately.

You obviously need to use pen and paper until you get used to this concept. Other people are able to use a computer to write without editing their work but I predict that this will be hard for you, if not agonizing. This exercise is all about trading control and perfectionism for vulnerability and emotional messiness.

The SEP has multiple modules with different styles of expressive writing (aka journaling).

 

[Lee222]

Okay I've been doing this for a while now, I've been writing it down, punching walls , punching pillows, kicking the door etc and it's getting me nowhere.

I'm gonna have a heart attack if I carry on, I've got bits of my skin missing from biting it due to the stress.

The anger is still in me , I called to my mum's today, I was close to punching her but held back

What do i do next? At what point is it best to learn to suppress it again? I feel like it's not gonna shift

 

[Ellen]

What do i do next? At what point is it best to learn to suppress it again? I feel like it's not gonna shift

I think people often confuse emotional repression and emotional suppression. Repressed emotions are ones that we are feeling, but are not conscious of. In Sarno's theory, this emotional repression can result in physical symptoms as we try to keep from knowing how we really feel because it is unacceptable to us or scary. It can take a lot of work to uncover these emotions and bring them to conscious awareness. Emotional suppression is when we refrain from expressing emotions we are conscious of. This is useful and necessary as it allows us to live and function among other humans. No one wants to be around someone who is openly expressing their anger, and it can, in fact, be dangerous. It is fine to express this anger privately through journaling, but it is the anger that is on the surface, that you are aware of, and is not what is causing your TMS symptoms.

There is this belief that if you express and release emotions they pass through you and you are done with them. Emotions last about 90 seconds on average. BUT THIS ONLY OCCURS IF YOU DON'T RESTART THE EMOTION WITH YOUR THOUGHTS. There has to be a cognitive change or we are in an infinite cycle of emotion-thought-emotion-thought. Your thinking has to change in order to not restart the same emotion. This comes through a process of understanding our thoughts and thinking patterns, and realizing that there is a better way to think about things. This comes through personal knowledge, understanding, and results in personal and spiritual growth. Our thinking patterns change, and so our emotions change.

So when you journal, dig deep. What is below the anger that is on the surface? What are the thoughts that are triggering the anger? When did they start? Were these thoughts triggered by a deeper emotion than anger, perhaps fear of abandonment? Where did that emotion come from? Childhood experiences? And so on.........

This is difficult and painful work, but it is the only way to obtain lasting change.

 

[Lee222]

It's anger towards my mum, Ive had it since I was a kid, I first noticed it when I did therapy decades ago , it's never released though

I've always known I just can't release it

 

[JanAtheCPA]

... I just can't release it

Whatever "release" means. It might be a meaningless concept, because the rage will likely always be there - it is a part of who you are, because we can't just wipe our memories and start over. The choice we have is whether the rage we live with is allowed to continue hurting us .

In other words, it's not the rage you need to release. You must release your attachment to being a victim of the rage. And/or of being a victim of your mother.

You are addicted to your victimhood, and THAT is what is causing your suffering. I guarantee you. The thing is, you need to figure out what you can replace it with, that will support you instead of tearing you down.

 

[Lee222]

Whatever "release" means. It might be a meaningless concept, because the rage will likely always be there - it is a part of who you are, because we can't just wipe our memories and start over. The choice we have is whether the rage we live with is allowed to continue hurting us .

In other words, it's not the rage you need to release. You must release your attachment to being a victim of the rage. And/or of being a victim of your mother.

You are addicted to your victimhood, and THAT is what is causing your suffering. I guarantee you. The thing is, you need to figure out what you can replace it with, that will support you instead of tearing you down.

I don't agree, I think you're completely wrong

I've never even thought about this rage until I came in here and listened to the advice from people like you, I've just got on with my life and accepted it, if I'm sounding like a victim it's because of people like you telling me to get in touch with this anger.

I've gone from never thinking about it to almost having a nervous breakdown by dragging it up

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

I've never even thought about this rage until I came in here and listened to the advice from people like you,

Being aware of your anger is never a bad thing, and severe repression leads to horrible outcomes both in terms of physical health and psychologically. Emotions are supposed to flow, so I can think of a few reasons as to why they are playing on loop for you and you can't send them off (as @Booble said above, which I completely agree with).

One is that you aren't really accepting of it - there might be lots of guilt and shame around the anger (especially towards your mother, that would make a lot of sense), so you're struggling to let it go and you think you have to fix it or solve it in order to let it go. You might think you have to win the arguments that are going on in your head around whose fault it was or this should have happened instead, in the end those are irrelevant because it's done and in the past. You don't have to fix or solve anything for the purposes of TMS, just be accepting of it and let it be there.

Second, and I really mentioned this in the first example (they are linked), Jan is correct (I don't think she meant to offend you through her use of victimhood) in that you seem to be a victim of what happened (we all are to an extent and at different phases of our journey - it's not derogatory) because the anger and the event are playing over and over - it's often a sign that you feel so slighted by what happened that you can't accept it. In these cases, anger usually makes way for immense sadness and vulnerability because that's what the anger is protecting. Anger is a defence mechanism, if I were you I'd reflect on what I am really hurt by - you wouldn't be this angry about anything (to the extent that it's looping even after you've sat in it) if there wasn't a feeling of immense hurt and possibly betrayal. Your younger self doesn't really want to fight it just wants comfort and soothing.

 

[Lee222]

I genuinely have no interest in the emotion, I just want to get on with my life, I've no interest in victimhood.

I assumed it had gone but each time I'm near my mum the emotion comes up and I feel overwhelmed.

I'd love it to go but it doesn't

Any perceived victimhood is coming from the techniques I'm being given which is overwhelming me and putting me into stress

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

I genuinely have no interest in the emotion, I just want to get on with my life,

That's completely fair and that's your prerogative - no one here will stop you. Whilst you may have no interest in them, they have an interest in you and repressed and suppressed emotions are often a key factor to chronic symptoms (which I assume you have). Unfortunately, that's what TMS theory dictates, so without that interest and curiosity at to what is at the root of the emotions, the work is limited as to how it can help you (from what I've seen).

 

[Ellen]

Lee,
I said it before, and I'll say it again. You need to change your thinking about the anger for it to change. Just feeling it over and over is not helpful. You're caught in a loop.