Day 40 Feeling unloved

[Endless luke]

Spend today's journaling time to write about any outstanding issues that you want to address.

I'd like to address how unloved I feel, if it's an accurate reflection of reality, and to what degree I can heal myself of this condition. I don't feel loved. My dad was in town this weekend and while on one level he loves me he is always willing to sacrifice me so that he can make my mother happy. He doesn't even understand he does this which compounds the problem.
My friendships are decently strong but in the end I don't trust them. One of my best friends was willing to give up our friendship when she met a very jealous friendship. And other friendships end for various reasons- usually marriage.
That really only leaves my brother and he is a good example of unconditional love. There's nothing I've done that's ever pushed him away. There are a few things I've asked that he wasn't willing to help with but I can live with that. Is this enough? Should one shining example allow me to settle down? Sometimes I do feel like a little kid that's having a tantrum and needs to be held. It's a weird sort of metaphor because my emotions are very calm but it's like there's some little phantasm that exists outside of me that I can imagine having this tantrum. Or sometimes it's a little vision. I'm in a cafe right now and there's a small thought of just knocking down all the chairs and causing a scene. At the same time I'm yawning and just want to take a nap.

I don't really trust anyone to have my back if I need a place to stay. Even if they would allow me to stay with them I'm not sure I could preserve my sanity so well without my own room. Perhaps that is being needlessly protective of myself. If I do wind up without a place why shouldn't I be grateful of any circumstance that I can find? It may be that if this does happen I will be able to be grateful. I have been caring less about what I accomplish or obtain on any given day. Often this doesn't seem like a victory but it does make me flexible.

One valuable book that I read, The Presence Process, did talk about the need to be able to give love to yourself rather than look towards other sources. It's a hell of a goal and I don't know how far along I am in achieving it but I have gotten better at calming myself. If I'm upset or sad then I just try and be with it. At least some of the time- I also still distract myself a lot.

The SEP says this is my last journal day. I'd like to thank everyone that has shared their thoughts on my journey.

Seth

 

[North Star]

Seth, I hope you'll still be around here even though it was your last day on the SEP. You just sound so heavy hearted. Know that you ARE loved. And even though I don't know you...I am rooting for you.

 

[hecate105]

There is a small child inside all of us who wants to be held and loved and cherished. It sounds like you have found that child within you. Now YOU need to hold, love and cherish your inner child (and therefore yourself) If we can recognise this need we have and comfort and love the child within, we are on the road to recovery. How can we expect others to love us unconditionally when we don't do it for ourselves? I think this has come to mind for you right now - because you ARE ready to love your internal child. If you find it difficult, do it as a meditation. Go to a quiet, peaceful place. In your mind's eye, see yourself as a small needy child, and then open your arms and scoop that child up, hold them close and tell them how much you love them , how you will always look after them and keep them safe.
It is an immensely powerful process - it made me feel like my heart was breaking. But I felt so much better afterwards. I just felt more 'integrated' in myself - if that doesn't sound too silly! I have been calmer and much kinder to myself since....

 

[Stella]

Hi Seth,
Will we ever "feel" loved even though we know someone loves us. This morning I cried with tears running down my cheeks yelling in anger and frustration about an issue with my parents. My Husband wrapped me in his arms. I told him "thank you so much for loving me." But will I ever "feel" loved.... I am just not sure. What does that "feel" like?

I have tried to love myself. I have done what Dr. Gordon Allan recommends with my hand on my heart while meditating to myself "I am here for you. You are loved." I have done this for months. I don't feel any different or an increase in love towards myself. I know, I know... I still spend too much time beating myself up for numerous reasons. journal, journal, journal

Well, I do feel loved and love towards another woman. She and I both have TMS. We have buried our souls to each other sharing the deep down horrible feelings we have about ourselves. It is difficult and scarey to become so vulnerable with another person but it has opened up such deep support and caring.

 

[Cherylie]

Seth, I hope you're still around, monitoring your responses.

I'm on Day 4 - and that child you described? I have one just like him. I spent my ENTIRE CHILDHOOD holding on to the fantasy that someone, someday, would realize how awful my life was and swoop down and save me. I dreamed of police and firemen, EMTs and teachers... anyone I recognized as an unblemished authority figure... wrapping their arms around me, taking me away, and making everything right.

I'm in the most supportive relationship imaginable, married for 22 years, and I still have that child inside. I think hecate105 hit it square on the head: We have to take ourselves into our own capable arms and hold on tightly.

I wish you continued growth and acceptance.

 

[North Star]

Cherylie, I LOVE your new avatar. It's so simple and so brilliant!

 

[Endless luke]

Montana mom,
I actually haven't done a good job of staying on here so far but I'd like to change that. Thank you for your words. I actually was going through a couple of days where I was exhausted a lot. Luckily (besides the exhaustion) I'm seeing some improvements in my muscle tension.
Luke

 

[Endless luke]

Jo,
I think I am doing a better job of being with my inner child. For a long time I was able to sort of be a calming presence with myself ("we'll get through this") yet I still had a ton of frustration. I think the best metaphor that I used to have a temptation to just lie on the floor when faced with a stressful situation. I didn't do this because it would look ridiculous and more importantly wouldn't improve my life- I'd just have to get up off the floor again after humiliating myself. Now I think, that if I could find some privacy, I could just lay down for a bit and not worry about.

I don't think I explained it all that well.
Seth

 

[Endless luke]

Stella,
I think it's hard to feel loved by our partner sometimes because we believe they hold so much power over us. We become reluctant to disturb it- that' why you thanked him instead of being able to say that you still didn't feel it. I imagine that if you work yourself up to saying that you're having trouble feeling it that good things make come from it.

Having a TMS partner is wonderful. I've been doing a weekly meeting with someone here that has TMS and it's been good for both of us. I'd like to do a forum post about this.

Seth

 

[Endless luke]

Cherylie,
It took me a few days to come back. After finishing the journaling I was in a "what now?" stage. It's difficult hearing that you had no one there during your childhood. My father was recently reminding me that when I was 12 I tried to hold his hand in public and he refused. I'd forgotten about that and I can understand where he was coming from but it does make me think about how much of a front I was putting on from even before that that I was confident and in control.

Seth