Feeling Stuck and discouraged

[NervePain]

I think my TMS first started about 5 years ago. I had some concussions and then had weird head tingling, vision problems, and headaches. I would get concussion symptoms if even a pice of paper grazed my head. It then moved to some stomach issues, and finally switched to weird nerve sensations in my feet. That was steady for a couple years and then in August of 2018 the feet became worse when I thought I had an accident. At that time I also started having back and butt pains with the feet sensations.

I have experienced the symptom imperative in many places, but the feet problems always stay. I have also had episodes that I swore were extinction bursts but then the symptoms still don’t go away. There have been a few times they seemed like they were fading or disappeared for a short time (10 min) but they always stay.

During periods of sickness, the symptoms in the feet have faded or disappeared, but as soon as I recover from sickness, they return. The only real change is that the feelings in the feet keep changing.

I still have conditioned responses even though I know my symptoms are not the result of a physical injury.

I get attacks in the back and butt whenever I am standing for long periods, in one-on-one conversations, or when shopping for extended periods.

I have encountered a new symptom after each time I play basketball (my favorite thing to do that I had stopped doing because I had thought I had physical problems). And then that symptom will disappear after a week or so.

For months I have been getting this overwhelming feeling of emotion like I want to cry (for some unknown reason), but can’t either because of the timing (it wouldn’t be appropriate), or I just can't seem to release the feeling.

I have returned to all normal activity and I don’t avoid things anymore or think of myself as injured. Despite all this, since becoming aware of and accepting that it is TMS, my symptoms have seemed to worsen and cover a greater area. I have also been plagued with intrusive, negative thoughts. I have overcome my old anxious thoughts and behaviors and don’t worry about things. I also have reduced much of my mental chatter. But now I have these intrusive thoughts that seem to enter on their own.

I have gone over all possible sources of rage from things in my past, my parents and siblings, and my current relationships (wife, child), and with work and finances, and aging. I also have a lot of negative feelings about myself and have examined those. There are a number of things that I find myself angry about. One of them is work. I used to love my job but made a switch to a different setting and now I don’t love it. Is it something where I need to switch my job to get better? People say the rage is from something that you don’t know, but I really can’t think of a single thing that I haven’t already looked at. I just don’t understand why things haven’t gotten better and what I am doing wrong. After reading Steve O.'s book, I think I might be a troubled healer. Do people in that category heal? I would greatly appreciate any advice.

Lastly, I have had an increase in my PSA level and wonder if anyone else has experienced that with TMS.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi NP,

I am happy you're checking in with updates and questions. I see you first started here ---and I assume with TMS work, about a year ago.

Reading your post, I recognize that you understand a lot about symptoms, the patterns in you, how TMS theory and practice relates to you personally. This is good. I also see that you've experienced shifts and changes, although symptoms continue. This is good too, although it may not feel like it.

Importantly I see that you've inquired deeply about your emotional life, trying to understand what may have been hidden. This is very positive too!

I'm writing these things because I see you as someone who is frustrated, but also in a time of personal expansion. I don't know what a "troubled healer" is, but I don't think it is helpful to put this label on yourself. I get your doubts, worries about progress. At the same time I want you to see, as I do, what you've learned, what you've learned to practice daily in this TMS work. Your hard work shows in your post.

Not knowing where you are with support, I wonder if to what degree you've engaged with the programs at the Wiki. Or Dr. Schubiner's Unlearn Your Pain, or the Curable ap.

If you have been consistent with programs, and if you haven't gotten personal help through TMS coaching or a counselor, then this would be my next suggestion.

Mindfulness, finding meaning in relationships, learning to feel more safe, refining self-soothing statements, clarifying relationships, listening to podcasts, reading success stories ---or wherever your heart takes you in this work will probably be helpful. Not sure how much of this you've done.

Your sincerity and commitment come through in your post. I don't see that you're making any mistakes, or need to find a "holy grail" insight ----or that you're destined to not get better. Good luck in your work!

Andy

 

[Baseball65]

People say the rage is from something that you don’t know,

I wouldn't say that is necessarily always the case... I would say it might sometimes be things you know but are unaware how very deep and in what capacity they are rage inducing, and in things that are INVISIBLE because of their proximity. Moral AND ethical dilemma's where the script is predetermined.

I have overcome my old anxious thoughts and behaviors and don’t worry about things.

well..that's a formula for a paradoxical agony. "I no longer think about how much (blank) stresses me out... I really love that guy/gal...ouch my butt hurts"

When someone is growing as a human being they will inevitably move towards truth but it isn't necessarily linear... I can say "There are no weeds in my garden, there are no weeds in my garden".... and the weeds will eat my frickin' garden.

I might say "Hey ...there's weeds in my garden. Everybody gets some, it's not a big deal...go and pull the Frickin' weeds."

My Job isn't fulfilling or fun... OK NOW that's honest. I can admit 'this sucks' without getting negative.

Is it something where I need to switch my job to get better?

Might be. I used to make a lot more money with a lot more 'prestige'... and I walked away. I am a very happy nobody. I am charmed enough to be able to tell anyone to F-off and leave any job because I no longer live a lifestyle that demands the Money that the prestigious one entailed.

But most really resistant TMS is some elephant in the room. It's usually so close I can't see it. Someone very, very close to me....