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feeling anger

Leslie

Leslie

Well known member
About a month ago I read a thread about walking the walk or talking the talk and it really spoke to me. I wanted to find out if I had simply substituted one distraction (self-symptom focus) for another (forum focus) so I limited my time on the forum to less than an hour a week. As it turns out, I think "talking the talk" with others was actually helping me to "walk the walk" myself. Without the support and communication of the forum members, I didn't even realize I was slipping back into my old habits. I found myself avoiding/drowning rather than facing/accepting. This past month had more than its fair share of unpleasant, emotionally charged events which I shamefully admit I responded to by self-medicating with alcohol rather than self-helping with journaling and recognition.

I have learned a few things about myself in the past month so I guess something positive has come out of my experiment. I now know that my perfectionist and people-pleaser tendencies will still take over when I'm stressed or upset. During emotionally charged situations I will automatically put everyone else's needs and feelings way above my own, in fact I won't even realize the extent to which I've done it until my physical symptoms are so strong that I can hardly turn my head from muscle tension. And I've also come to realize that the only anger I can truly feel is anger directed at myself. It seems that any time I experience a degree of anger about someone or something, I have this internal arbitrator who immediately goes to work justifying the merits of the situation and the end result is that I end up feeling selfish, childish, disloyal, and ashamed. I talk myself right out of negative feelings towards another and right into self-hatred. It seems that I still have much work to do and in addition to the already existing work, now I have to work to overcome the feelings of failure that are stabbing at my inner perfectionist to no end. Ugh, still 1 step forward and 5 steps back.
 
Hi, It looks like you have a good handle on what is causing your pain, so just keep working on dealing with trying to please others so much and build up your self-esteem. Sarno says in Healing Back Pain that "It is not changing one's emotions, it is recognizing that they exist and that the brain is trying to keep one from being aware of their existence through the mechanism of the pain syndrome."

If you have his book, look up anger and repressed emotions as well as self-esteem. If not, I'll write about them to you in another email.

Steve Ozanich writes about anger and low self-esteem in his book THE GREAT PAIN DECEPTION: "You need to understand that you have an obsessive personality and may be a great people-pleaser at your own expense. This perfectionist compulsion keeps you continually and obliviously angry all day -- every day. Your persona smiles on the outside, and is royally pissed on the inside... The world of pain is a skewed world, distorted by yers of low self-esteem and high self-imposed demands."

Don't expect so much of others and be more tolerant of yourself. Cork the bottle and practice mindfullness, living in the present and telling your subconscious that you know why you're angry and it's causing you pain.

Keep in mind that we here at TMSWiki are your friends, nonjudgmental, and we like you. There are a lot of us and we're trying to deal with the same issues you are. The only "person" who never gives me a reason to be angry is my dog, Annie. If only people were as easy to be with as she.
 
Yay - it's good to see you, Leslie - and I totally agree with you about participation here - I was also out of the loop for a while this summer, and it is not beneficial to my emotional or physical health. And I noticed your absence so I'm glad you're back!

It seems that any time I experience a degree of anger about someone or something, I have this internal arbitrator who immediately goes to work justifying the merits of the situation and the end result is that I end up feeling selfish, childish, disloyal, and ashamed. I talk myself right out of negative feelings towards another and right into self-hatred.
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Excellent reminder, thank you. You're awesome (yes you are, so stop whatever you're thinking right now :p )

Jan
 
Leslie,

Besides doing mindfulness meditation, I am doing affirmations and visualizations based on this book that I am currently reading, Mind Power into the 21st Century by John Kehoe. This book teaches mind power techniques, reprogramming your mind(thoughts). You might give it a try.
 
Leslie, thank you for your willingness to be so honest and open. It helps me because I recognize so much of myself in what you say. I am acutely aware of my internal bully but that has not yet curbed her appetite for self-criticism. I feel so responsible for having TMS and am having a hard time forgiving myself for it. Although I am quite certain I have TMS, lately I have been observing my mind making a case for why I will end up being the one who won't find a way to get it under control no matter how hard I try. Of course, that is a self fulfilling prophecy and I know it. I also have been self medicating with wine in the evenings and hating myself for that as well(the next morning). The meditation helps, exercise helps, journaling helps... I have spent over 20 years feeling unwell and trying to figure out what is wrong with me. It is a difficult habit to break and I have to start by imagining what that might feel like. What it might feel like to get up and feel good in my body, to not have my thoughts revolve around how I am going to get through the day, to be confident that there truly is nothing physically wrong that would be dangerous for me to ignore. I don't know why it is so difficult for me to imagine being pain and anxiety free when I want it so much. I am ready for a change. I have always been ready for a change but in the past it has eluded me. Well, even with 1 step forward and 5 steps back it will eventually get you there if you keep going.
 
Oh Anne. How you sound so much like me. But I prefer beer :) I also feel like I might be the only here that might not get it and will continue to suffer for years. I try to put on a happy face for others but instead I am just angry about my situation. I believe so much in TMS and tell others about it all the while I can't even get it under control. Oh man how I think too much.
 
Dr. Sarno says that you don't have to change your life in order to heal but I have not found that to be true. I have been working since January on calming down my nervous system, on facing and accepting pain (both physical and emotional) and on changing the way I react to stress (since stress itself is unavoidable).

Leslie, I am glad to see you back, though I'm sorry to hear you've been going through some stressful times. I'm sure you'll be able to find the support you need here.

By the way, I KNOW you are not taking one step forward and five steps back. You ARE better than you were six months ago--just check your posts from that time to see it is true. Maybe 2 steps forward and 1 step back? Still, you ARE improving. Always remember that, even if your improvement is in an up-and-down trajectory and not straight up.
 
Leslie - I do agree with Gail. From what I have read of your posts you have improved incredibly. I think if you reversed the 1 step forward, 5 back notion, you would be nearer the truth! And please don't be SO hard on yourself. If you are struggling and some alcohol is needed, it is not such a bad thing. There are plenty of times in your life that I am sure you do all the right things - an occasional blip is allowed. Purely for selfish reasons, it is nice to have you back - always like your very thoughtful posts. Only wish I could express myself as well as you do. You have LOTS of wonderful reasons to be glad of who you are.
 
I can't even begin to tell all of you how very much your comments mean to me. I started to cry as I read them and I'm also sadly realizing that my internal bully is much stronger and more prevalent than I imagined. As much as I believe you all to be sincere and honest in your comments (and am so very grateful for that), as I was reading them "bully Leslie" showed up and was running in high gear with her automatic, nasty, negative commentary. She had an "argument" for everything, and the nicer and more support filled the comment, the stronger her arguments got. Logically I know she's a horrible monster who lies and lies and that listening to her is insane but I have such struggle tuning her out. Honestly, I feel completely crazy; I'm sitting here arguing with myself as I type this. Why is it so much harder to believe the good stuff about oneself than the bad stuff? There's no logic to it at all. I can go back and look at some of my older posts and I can see all of the evidence that supports all of your comments as true. I can even see the highly destructive "all or nothing" mentality so very prevalently in my current post and recent thought patterns. All this evidence and yet I can tell myself quite convincingly that you're all wrong, that if you knew the "real" me you'd all agree with my negative assessments of myself, and on and on an on.

Mousemom, I could have easily written most of your comment "I try to put on a happy face for others but instead I am just angry about my situation. I believe so much in TMS and tell others about it all the while I can't even get it under control. Oh man how I think too much." With the exception of the part about telling others about TMS (you either have way more courage or far more accepting people in your life than I do), you wrote my feelings. I am REALLY angry about my situation. I am furious with myself and "bully Leslie" is having a field day with it. She's been lecturing non-stop about how this is all my fault. She is so incredibly narcissistic and believes herself to be so incredibly powerful that she doesn't just stop at self-blame for the things that have gone wrong in my own life, she loves to extend my responsibility for the things that have gone wrong in the lives of other people. No wonder I feel like I'm going crazy, I'm simultaneously feeling completely powerless and all-controlling - a complete impossibility. Oh if only I could turn the clock back 2 years and have spent 3 days a week with a psychologist instead of a chiropractor, but time travel evades me (along with the rational part of my thought processes apparently).
 
written from the underbelly...

Bully Leslie is not a horrible monster, it is a little girl that has learned to get attention by negative reactions. Imagine her and start to cuddle her, approach her in a positive way, embrace her, laugh when she tries her old tricks and slowly she will quiet down. Don't fight the bully, take her power away by giving her love, she will either disappear or better, change her ways.

hope it helps :)
 
Leslie said:
I can't even begin to tell all of you how very much your comments mean to me. I started to cry as I read them and I'm also sadly realizing that my internal bully is much stronger and more prevalent than I imagined. As much as I believe you all to be sincere and honest in your comments (and am so very grateful for that), as I was reading them "bully Leslie" showed up and was running in high gear with her automatic, nasty, negative commentary. She had an "argument" for everything, and the nicer and more support filled the comment, the stronger her arguments got. Logically I know she's a horrible monster who lies and lies and that listening to her is insane but I have such struggle tuning her out. Honestly, I feel completely crazy; I'm sitting here arguing with myself as I type this. Why is it so much harder to believe the good stuff about oneself than the bad stuff? There's no logic to it at all. I can go back and look at some of my older posts and I can see all of the evidence that supports all of your comments as true. I can even see the highly destructive "all or nothing" mentality so very prevalently in my current post and recent thought patterns. All this evidence and yet I can tell myself quite convincingly that you're all wrong, that if you knew the "real" me you'd all agree with my negative assessments of myself, and on and on an on.

Mousemom, I could have easily written most of your comment "I try to put on a happy face for others but instead I am just angry about my situation. I believe so much in TMS and tell others about it all the while I can't even get it under control. Oh man how I think too much." With the exception of the part about telling others about TMS (you either have way more courage or far more accepting people in your life than I do), you wrote my feelings. I am REALLY angry about my situation. I am furious with myself and "bully Leslie" is having a field day with it. She's been lecturing non-stop about how this is all my fault. She is so incredibly narcissistic and believes herself to be so incredibly powerful that she doesn't just stop at self-blame for the things that have gone wrong in my own life, she loves to extend my responsibility for the things that have gone wrong in the lives of other people. No wonder I feel like I'm going crazy, I'm simultaneously feeling completely powerless and all-controlling - a complete impossibility. Oh if only I could turn the clock back 2 years and have spent 3 days a week with a psychologist instead of a chiropractor, but time travel evades me (along with the rational part of my thought processes apparently).
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I am relatively new to TMS and I don't know if it is my place to give advice. I have enjoyed reading your posts and I am sorry you are having a hard time.
I know all about the bully who is with me constantly and which can make daily life hell. We all know what to do, namely being gentle with yourselves and stop the negative thoughts. As if that was so easy.
I have had a real good summer (compared to last). On the TMS Forum I found a very good threat about perfectionisme, being a goodist and a people pleaser and that really hit me. From then on I made conscious choices during the day when people asked me to do things or wanted me to be somewhere at a certain time (which was not ok with me) and I practised saying no (without any explanation sometimes). Sometimes I looked at my behaviour and realised that a lot of times I did things in order for people to like me instead of just doing them for my own sake. Every time my bully is pushing me during the day, ordering me about because what I am doing is not good enough, I sit down and calm myself , praising myself for well done tasks or if not so well done I say "who cares, it's ok, it does not have to be perfect, nothing and nowbody is perfect and I don't have to be. This is just good enough for me" . I also imagine myself as a sad little girl (which I was) and tell her she has every right to be angry or whatever she wants to be. At the beginning I was afraid of people's reaction (and of my guilt) but now I just say to myself "that is how it is going to be. I am not going to brood over what people might think of me" and it is working amazingly well.
Of course there are setbacks and doubts sometimes but by being tough with others I am being gentle with myself and I can feel it is strengthening my self worth and I feel like a more honest person. The bully i still trying but it is as if I have built sort of a protecting wall around me. Another thing which is good is gratefullness. I know it is a bit of a cliche but really consciously (and honestly) being grateful for the small stuff in your life puts everything into prospective and you feel more satisfied in spite of TMS. Even the bully has to give up sometimes.....
Anyway this has helped me on the way although I have a long way to go.
All the best
 
I really like this post. For people who have an obsessive personality type, the forum and the various journal exercises can be an obsession too.
For people currently on disability it might work to make getting better your full time job. However, if you all ready have a full time job it can be a lot to add on to it. It can turn into another source of guilt. Did I skip a day of journaling? Have I skipped a day or the forum or two days or three days? Have I responded to everyone who responded to my posts?
I have been feeling minor guilt here for these small sins.:oops:
And this ugly little voice inside my head says "What is the matter with you? Don’t you want to get better?" :mad: It is that same voice that always says you are not trying hard enough.
Okay maybe more than minor guilt.:oops:
I think sometimes it is easier for an obsessive person to just quit than it is to give something less than their full effort.
So I am thinking of coming up with an easier plan for my obsessive self.
One option might be to say I will journal 3 times a week. It keeps us on track and reduces the journal everyday plan to something more reasonable.
Another thing is to reward ourselves by doing something fun or relaxing every time we do something difficult like journaling or exercising while in pain.
You might also try material rewards for yourself. Is there some small thing that you can buy for yourself as a reward for following the program? You can also get a large pack of stuff and give yourself something from it every time you follow the program. This gives a more immediate reward which I think is more satisfying to the Id. One of my thoughts here was to choose a reward that was something I liked as a child, since my child self is closer to the id than my adult self. Also there is lots of stuff I liked as a kid that is pretty cheap. ;) I bought a large package of stickers for $10 and I still have a lot left.
One of the things mentioned in SteveO’s book is "you are not having enough fun." I think that is something that we need to emphasize more. Last week was a very busy week for me and included some stressful things as well. I asked my (k)id what she felt upset about. She did not talk about any of the stressful things. She said "You did not spend enough time having fun this week!"
So I am being more conscious now to try to do at least one fun thing a day no matter how busy I am.
Fun! It is part of healing. :)
 
I am definitely not having much fun yet. Still having some problems with constant pain in my back. I sure hope to have fun soon.
 
I'd be skeptical of the idea that be on the forum too much is causing you problems. I think that probably one of the tendencies of many people here is to isolate with their problems- which it looks like you did when you started drinking. Being here and listening to others is an antidote to isolation.
 
One of the things mentioned in SteveO’s book is "you are not having enough fun." I think that is something that we need to emphasize more. Last week was a very busy week for me and included some stressful things as well. I asked my (k)id what she felt upset about. She did not talk about any of the stressful things. She said "You did not spend enough time having fun this week!"
So I am being more conscious now to try to do at least one fun thing a day no matter how busy I am.
Fun! It is part of healing. :)

I love this, thanks
 
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