Feeling all wrong.

I began the structured education program 2 days ago after having read one book and lots of good information on this forum, but for some reason today my emotions are playing havoc with me and I feel very blocked. So much is jumbled in my mind and I don't quite know what to do first to get myself going again. I couldn't open one link on Day 2 week one, so read the success story. Yesterday I was quite comfortable in my beginner progress and thoughts, but today it's a mess. I am just not used to focussing on me and my emotions and I think the inner critic is trying to stomp on my head and my emotions to shut them down again. I'm battling on all fronts so could someone please help me clarify how normal this is? I have read how it could become obsessive, so I'm aware, but something has tangled me up in knots badly today. Journalling is also harder, yet before I began the program I wrote 1 3 pages and felt as light as cottonwool. I know I'm not alone, but right now I just don't know what to read or how to fight the conflict going on in my head. It began last night when I awoke during the night feeling confused and in pain and just couldn't find my way back. I know I will work through it with help thank you.

 

Hi Tassie. I know when I first began working on my TMS recovery I truly could not understand why my subconscious would create such distracting, all consuming, devastating pain. What could possibly be worse than the physical pain? Then as I progressed and continued to work at it, it became more clear to me. Emotional conflict and distress is complex and confusing. Things come up and it is not clear how to resolve them. And in my case I have a hefty dose of existential angst. Pain is terrible and fear generating, but it also has a clear, singular focus. It can be a call to action to investigate its cause, or something to persevere with, like climbing a mountain - just finding a way to survive and get through another day with the pain can be the only thing to focus on. It is very natural to feel confused and a whole lot of resistance in all kinds of forms when you first start to focus on the true underlying emotional and psychological causes of the pain. The pain may increase, pop up somewhere new, strong doubts and unproductive questioning about TMS can also throw up road blocks. I have always had some level of anxiety but my anxiety increased to the point in which my skin just crawled. It felt so uncomfortable to be in my body, sleeping and awake. I can tell from your post that you are absorbing a lot of information quickly. You are already onto your inner critic and the havoc she can create. Have you looked at Alan Gordon's recovery program on this site? There are some very basic and simple principals and if you apply them, and if you are persistent, you will succeed in this. And once you get through this, so many things that are confusing and seeming obstacles now, will make a lot more sense. I know I started just wanting to find a way to make the pain go away, and it took a lot of work for me(doesn't have to for you) and now I am happier, and less afraid than I have ever been. It doesn't feel like this whole journey was even about the pain anymore. It is really confusing, and often extremely frustrating, but trust if you can that it is the right direction to take. When I am having a tough day and it feels too much, I focus on what I can do to be kind to myself. Its okay to take a little break. You will get going again. It will get easier.

 

Many thanks Anne. In reply to you, yes I have read Alan Gordon's Recovery program - once!!! I think I must revisit most of what took me to this forum in the first place and breathe mindfully through it again. One of my worst traits is impatience with myself and an attitude of "don't suffer fools gladly" holier than thou approach to myself, and as I said in an earlier post I was just beginning to be gentle with myself, so it's no wonder the IC wants to give me a smack in the head. I also believe totally in the entire concept and programs, and having such positive instant help online is something I would never have expected and so I'm also feeling very humble and blessed. The more wonderful posts and responses I read on the forum the more blown away I am by so many fantastic people. It's such a pleasure to "meet" you. Thanks again Anne.