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Day 6 Fears and how meditation helps

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by kindlethelight, May 14, 2014.

  1. kindlethelight

    kindlethelight Peer Supporter

    Hi all,
    Day 6 and I am tired and grumpy. Full moon. Although I don't have a migraine, or back pain. Just some slight tension in my neck and head and sore, tired eyes.
    I loved listening to the telephone calls on the Address Repression link on today's program. Really powerful stuff and a strong reminder to feel the emotions in the body, not think them. Really feel them. I tend to try and figure out why I have them and what caused them.
    Although I have no issues sleeping, I do have issues on waking. It seems that all my fear? anxiety? rage? come up when I sleep and I wake up with tension headaches. Last night, I set myself up before bed. I wrote down all my angers, fears and worries before going to bed and I soothed myself verbally and visually and told myself that I am safe.
    My tension headache was less this morning. After meditating, (I have heard it say that prayer is asking a question and meditation is receiving the answer!), I recognizing how angry I was at my current situation in work. I work with a group of women and because of the nature of my job, I am privvy to the private conversations of the top level management. And I am hearing gossip and bitching and complaining about their own staff. This makes me fearful and anxious I realized. Goes back to childhood and bullying. Although they are very pleasant to me now, I think I am anxious that I am on borrowed time and that I will be the next person they bitch and gossip and moan about. I probably already am! And this brings up fear and anger. Because I have an expectation that people are nice and professional and caring and I think it always hurts when I find out they are not. That is too high an expectation to have methinks. And I am people pleasing so much so that I am not gossiped or moaned about.
    On to fears:
    Of course I have fears of death or illness, particularly of a loved one but there are fears that run deeper in my subconscious. Abandonment. Neglect. Being ignored. Being unloved. Not seen. Not heard. Attacked. Raped. Violence. These are all childhood leftovers in some way or another but I am still feeling this stuff. This fear. When I allow myself to sit with it, I can feel it in my chest. Burning. Heavy. Kinda claustrophobic. I have been sitting with this fear/rage for a long time but I don't know how to get through it enough so that I am not feeling so much tension in my body. As I write this, I begin to feel a deep sadness. That I am in so much fear.
  2. kindlethelight

    kindlethelight Peer Supporter

    I have no issues sleeping - expect for during Full Moon it seems!!! :)

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