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Family relationships as the cause for TMS

Diana-M

Diana-M

Beloved Grand Eagle
Hello, everyone!

The plot thickens. My struggle with my narcissistic sister continues. (Probably my number one cause of my TMS). I have not officially cut her off. Although I’m so close and was just starting to feel some major physical and emotional relief with that decision. When, she texts me yesterday that she is so excited to be soon hosting my son at her vacation home in Arizona. He is currently on business in Arizona.

I can’t stand her lack of boundaries. It makes me crazy to think of her prying into my business over a bottle of wine with my son. I have deliberately kept her out of my business over the past few years. I also haven’t shared my business with my son. Yet still, he can describe my physical condition to her. She gloats over any weakness I have.

I am thoroughly miserable with this turn of events. And very rage-filled. I journaled an hour last night mostly on this topic. I feel anger in Biblical proportions toward my sister. Some of it is very old, just now surfacing. Some of it is more recent, from the onset of my current systems 4 years ago. The most maddening part is how she is portrayed as so gracious and loving to those around me —my kids and daughters in law. It is designed to make me feel rotten for cutting her off. I have read this is standard operating procedure with narcissists.

To top it off, she is expecting her first grandchild any day and can’t wait to receive all sorts of attention from me about it. She has so hinted. Though I have four grandchildren she has never asked about. Yes! I am trite and bitter! The sad thing is, I actually felt we used to be close. I love her. And I’m confused about her. (Do I love her?) I actually feel guilty cutting her off.

I made up this saying years and years ago when I had to leave my very abusive first husband. It was escalating into violence. I was being gaslighted. I was young and confused. He charmed everyone into thinking I was crazy. But somehow, I managed my way to get my three kids and I out of there alive. The saying I made up was: “Don’t kill yourself, just drive away.” Meaning— if you are so trapped that you actually feel suicidal (even figuratively), then drive away. Get out. Cut ties. Call it. Do whatever you have to do to live.

At the time, I was in a very strict religion that is somewhat considered a cult. It reinforced staying married at all costs. I had also never worked outside the home. I was very trapped in all sorts of ways. I definitely felt direly depressed. I wondered if even God would punish me for leaving. Or if he even cared.

In some ways, my current TMS reminds me of this entire time in my life. I might need to “drive away” from my sister. This TMS is suicide. And I’m really getting low over all of this.

I agree with the advice here by @Baseball65 — Look to your family for the cause of your TMS. Look hard.
 
I can relate very much to your feelings here, as I too have a sister that has been the source of rage and hurt throughout my life. She has tried to sabotage my relationships with other family members every chance she gets.

Diana-M said:
I can’t stand her lack of boundaries.
Click to expand...

The remedy here is to strengthen your own boundaries. So what that she talks trash about you, you know the truth. You need to trust that others can see the truth of who you are and who she is. You are the better person and if they don't see it now, they will. That is their journey to the truth, not yours, and you need to let go and let them make that journey at their own pace. Don't let it impede the journey you are on.

I know how hard this is. Continue to let it out by journaling. Then be content in knowing you are on a road to self-discovery, and no one can keep you from continuing to make progress. You should feel great about all you've accomplished. It is tough work to get in touch with your rage, but you are doing great.
 
I’ve recently been through something similar with a friend I was distancing myself from. She has mental health issues, and my goodism just made it a bad relationship. At one point she said I was a mean and horrible person, and then wanted me back in her life again..
I don’t play that game, but I felt guilty. But with the advice of a kind few folks who agreed with what I was experiencing; a twisted form off gaslighting, I told this person no. They tried to pull the “my past trauma makes me do this” card which is fine. She can play the games and wallow in the past but I’m gone.
Now she is “bad mouthing” me to our many mutual friends. Lots of people have distanced themselves from me. However we were together last week and people were shocked to see me so happy and well.
My friends wrote a song about crap like this, it’s called Living Is The Best Revenge.
Write an Unsent letter (or 6) to sister. And what about to your son who may divulge your information for the price of a glass of wine?

I have a friend who has an almost identical marriage story to yours.
 
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I can't add anything more to these responses, @Diana, except to tell you that I had a clear vision of that emoji with steam coming out of the ears as you described your horrible sister. Or maybe bangheada

FWIW, I reeeally dislike my sister as well. Very problematic relationship, but she's kind of a miserable and unpopular person, who for that reason is thankfully unable to inflict much harm, so I ultimately learned to mostly feel sorry for her. I hope yours will get there someday, as @Ellen has assured you.

And, as per @Cactusflower, living well IS the best revenge. You'll get there, too. Great work.
 
Dr. Schubiner has written the following under the heading of Examining Life Situations as one possible treatment for TMS, which he calls PPD: “Individuals with PPD are often in life situations that perpetuate distress and negative emotions. In addition, those with PPD are often non-assertive and self devaluating and land in situations that create similar emotional reactions to those of the past. As part of their recovery, many will find it necessary to make changes in some of their relationships or life situations.” (I added the italics.) In my opinion, if change is necessary to recover from TMS, the change is simply an adaptive response to a bad situation, and there is no rational reason to feel guilty or miserable about it.
 
Every time I almost delete a post because I think it’s too “ugly” or honest or vulnerable, you guys come through for me and bolster me so much! You are truly guiding me through this difficult passage and I can’t tell you how much you mean to me! thank you!
 
Ellen said:
You should feel great about all you've accomplished. It is tough work to get in touch with your rage, but you are doing great.
Click to expand...
@Ellen - I’m so sorry you have experienced this same kind of pain with a sister. But I take heart in your recovery and in your advice on how to weather this and to grow. It really makes me happy to hear you think I’m making progress. I will be very careful to tighten my boundaries and to keep venting the rage. Understanding is pouring out along with the rage with each journaling session. Thank you so much for your valuable advice!
 
Cactusflower said:
I’ve recently been through something similar with a friend I was distancing myself from. She has mental health issues, and my goodism just made it a bad relationship. At one point she said I was a mean and horrible person, and then wanted me back in her life again..
I don’t play that game, but I felt guilty. But with the advice of a kind few folks who agreed with what I was experiencing; a twisted form off gaslighting, I told this person no. They tried to pull the “my past trauma makes me do this” card which is fine. She can play the games and wallow in the past but I’m gone.
Now she is “bad mouthing” me to our many mutual friends. Lots of people have distanced themselves from me. However we were together last week and people were shocked to see me so happy and well.
My friends wrote a song about crap like this, it’s called Living Is The Best Revenge.
Write an Unsent letter (or 6) to sister. And what about to your son who may divulge your information for the price of a glass of wine?

I have a friend who has an almost identical marriage story to yours.
Click to expand...
Oh my gosh, Cactus! I know you know. This is so reassuring! I like your letter ideas. And I am working on picking myself up off the floor today—and focusing on living my best revengeful life. It’s amazing how difficult this lesson is to learn. I really lied to myself about her for years. I’m really good at that. But changing! TMS healing is a major overhaul!
 
Duggit said:
In my opinion, if change is necessary to recover from TMS, the change is simply an adaptive response to a bad situation, and there is no rational reason to feel guilty or miserable about it.
Click to expand...
@Duggit —I so appreciate your quotes and research. This is a great one! And worth me keeping close at hand right now. I will read it often. I also like your opinion about the guilt. No rational reason for it. Thanks so much!
 
Diana-M said:
(Do I love her?)
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Many years ago I had a long-term boyfriend who was either a sociopath or narcissist - this was before I knew anything much about such personality disorders, so I hadn't twigged (realised) what he was. I thought I loved him, but it was the false persona he put on to keep me sticking around that I loved; the persona was false so I actually didn't love him - what I thought was him wasn't real. When his 'mask of sanity/normality' slipped it was confusing and distressing. I had to rip him (the false persona) out of my heart and cut him out of my life. He tried all sorts of tactics to get back into my life and I had to be very strong and resist getting drawn back in. @Ellen's advice is absolutely sage - the remedy is to strengthen your own boundaries.
 
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BloodMoon said:
the persona was false so I actually didn't love him
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@BloodMoon —Thanks for this story! It seems many of us TMSers have experienced painful and entrapping relationships because we are too nice?! Funny you should say this about the false personality. I was thinking about that all day. How I’ve basically believed what I wanted to believe about my sister.. And it’s for a lot of reasons. She’s the last person left for me from my immediate family. (We do have another younger sister, however, who wrote this one off years ago, and me as well, because I talked to this one. Now I can see what that younger sister saw. But Im not going there either. Because she’s a different kind of crazy. )

At any rate— TMS reveals the truth in your life. And really you actually know it all along. Your body knows. You just have to Believe it. And then get the Nerve to align your life with it. (Hard!) That must be why my subconscious wanted to avoid this!
 
I don't have much advice, except to say I that I can identify with everything you wrote. (In truth, I don't think you need advice - you needed to vent)

I agree with Baseball65, family is a "target rich environment" for TMS origins.

I have long - LOOOOOONG - seated emotions and hang-ups with my family, including my 2 older brothers. Most of which I have "let go" but as we all know it's still in there, simmering away. One thing that helps is to think about and brainstorm the ways they might have issue with me, it's a good way to build up some empathy.

anyway good luck - just writing here and getting feedback will be a boon.
 
Diana-M said:
I’ve basically believed what I wanted to believe about my sister
Click to expand...
... and, as she's a narcissist, it's also what she wanted you to believe about her (it's how they reel you in and keep you dangling). The other day I was talking about keeping narcissists at arm's length, but I think it's nigh on impossible to do that and keep your sanity, so they need to be treat like they're sociopaths.

Diana-M said:
At any rate— TMS reveals the truth in your life. And really you actually know it all along. Your body knows. You just have to Believe it. And then get the Nerve to align your life with it. (Hard!) That must be why my subconscious wanted to avoid this!
Click to expand...
As we say over here - bingo! - absolutely! I viewed and treated cutting my boyfriend out of my life like it was a bereavement. It was a difficult process of 'grieving' that I had to go through... but I flipped a switch and as far as I was concerned he was 'dead' to me. I know it's harder for you as your children and their spouses are in contact with your sister, but you will find a way to stick to your guns.
 
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So, this shit is gonna come to a crisis point one way or another. The problem isn't with your sister. The problem is you caring about what your son thinks...period.
The problem is you caring about being 'talked about as a less than perfect person'. It is not with your sister..You already know that she sucks.....it is all of the effort and spiritual waste trying to control and navigate boats that ain't in your harbor.

I was stuck once in a different situation, but with a similar dynamic. The part I couldn't wrap my head around was the anger was ::Me caring too much about what my son thinks:::: As soon as I could think "Fuck 'em'..The pain went away

and the only way to truly let that Go is like an Emmet Fox thing. It is going to be a spiritual exercise...It is tied in with Death and Aging and all of the other anger makers for us...Your gonna have to let go.... The Punchline is, that most of us who care too much what other people think??

"If we knew how little they think about us at all?...THAT would hurt"
 
Baseball65 said:
So, this shit is gonna come to a crisis point one way or another. The problem isn't with your sister. The problem is you caring about what your son thinks...period.
The problem is you caring about being 'talked about as a less than perfect person'. It is not with your sister..You already know that she sucks.....it is all of the effort and spiritual waste trying to control and navigate boats that ain't in your harbor.

I was stuck once in a different situation, but with a similar dynamic. The part I couldn't wrap my head around was the anger was ::Me caring too much about what my son thinks:::: As soon as I could think "Fuck 'em'..The pain went away

and the only way to truly let that Go is like an Emmet Fox thing. It is going to be a spiritual exercise...It is tied in with Death and Aging and all of the other anger makers for us...Your gonna have to let go.... The Punchline is, that most of us who care too much what other people think??

"If we knew how little they think about us at all?...THAT would hurt"
Click to expand...
Ok I’m letting that sink in! Blunt and really RIGHT. Sheesh! When I think about how I’ve suffered over this and I am always thinking, “what will the kids think if I won’t talk to their aunt anymore? Will they judge me? Will they hate me? Will they even understand? Will my daughter in law think we suck as a family even more than she already does?”

I’m One hundred percent living in fear of judgment. I’m one hundred percent determined to paint a rosy picture. Determined to FAKE at my expense that something (anything!) in my family is normal or functional. The truth? It never has been since the day I was born. I was born into a really sick family. Super sick. Social disease, all screwed up family. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t make this turd shine. My kids inherited the mess from me.

Thanks for the tough love, Baseball. I can see I’m going to need a spiritual awakening on this one. And yeah, they probably aren’t thinking about me much. Meanwhile, I’m killing myself over living a lie for them. Which if I’m honest isn’t even for them. I guess it’s for me.

this forum is a Godsend!!!
 
Absolute GOLD, @Baseball65! Most of us do care too much about what other people think and it is so ******* draining! I love the "it is all of the effort and spiritual waste trying to control and navigate boats that ain't in your harbor" -- it so beautifully conjures up the futility and exhaustion of it all.
 
It can be so hard with families because there is this social pressure to accept them no matter what because they are blood. Lot of people with jerk sisters in here lol. My sister sucks too. To the point where if I do ever see her again I don’t think it’ll be a very good interaction at all. And will definitely end in one or both of us crying.

everyone here has such good words for you! I would just like to offer some wisdom in the form of how to correctly set a boundary. A lot of people don’t know and if you’re are already familiar with the information please feel free to disregard

a lot of people tend to think that setting a boundary means telling someone that you don’t want them to do something anymore. But all that does is invite arguments or guilt trips or manipulation; especially when it comes to people who are exhibiting narcissistic behavior.

How to correctly set a boundary is to set a boundary and then a consequence for crossing the boundary. Make sure to express why you’re setting the boundary.
I.e. “when you talk to me like this, it makes me feel this way. If you continue to talk to me like this, then we will need to take a break from communicating .” And then follow through. You can give a warning or two if you’d like but it’s important to apply the consequence and follow through.

I hope that was helpful. And it may just upset the person but at least this way you know you made yourself clear. And you don’t have to wonder if they understood why you were upset with them.
 
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