Day 8 Emotional Triggers/ Deserving money/ Perfectionism

[NolaGal]

I feel like a have a "leg up" on this, because I had already started to realize that my emotions were tied to my muscle tension and pain well before I learned about TMS. Feelings of insecurity, not doing things "right", not being good enough (I'm a recovering perfectionist) are always triggers. I also have some issues around money. My husband recently got a decent sized raise and I sometimes get that "not deserving" feeling, especially around payday. Also, fear of having more money because we could lose it. We had become experts at living and thriving on a shoestring budget, and now that things are a little easier it feels strange and uncomfortable at times. It's great, don't get me wrong, but a well-made pair of new shoes often feels uncomfortable, too, until you get used to them.

The money and perfectionism issues get tied together sometimes in my work as a costume designer. I think "why do I deserve $___ for this" (even though I have many repeat customers who know and love my work). Sometimes I spend way too much time on a project. For example, putting in $400 worth of effort on a $250 costume because I "just can't stop" tweaking it. This also causes me to procrastinate, too. I'll put off starting and/or finishing a project because I'm afraid I can't do it well enough (even if I've made the exact same thing several times before). If I worked consistently I could easily make as much or more than my husband does as a programmer, but fear just holds me back. I really need to work on both the perfectionism and the money comfort issue. My "RSI" used to hold me back from putting in my "all" but now that I know the truth about TMS I'm running out of excuses, lol!

Yesterday I had a little bit of pain for a few hours (still in the 15% range compared to my old pain) but it "magically" stopped when I finally pulled out and started working on a costume project that's due next week. I put it off until around 4 p.m., but then I got in the groove and worked for several enjoyable hours. I was completely pain free for the rest of the day even though I was using my right hand a lot, which used to trigger almost crippling "RSI".

 

[Endless luke]

Nolagal,
You don't have to accomplish everything at once. It's astounding that you are beating the RSI and other TMS issues. Give the money stuff and procrastination some time.

 

[KathyBee]

I have also had issues with adjusting to having more money or not feeling deserving of it.
Growing up we did not have much money. The money we did have was not equally shared. Some people got noticeably more money for non-necessities. This led to feeling that maybe I did not deserve to have nice stuff or really even just cheap trinkets that I wanted.
My mom would always say stuff like “do you really need this?”
In the early part of my adult life I did not have much money either, but my husband and I have gradually gotten better incomes. We are not rich, but we certainly have enough money to buy things for ourselves that we do not need.
But buying things is sometimes hard for me. I still have the feeling of not deserving it. I am so frugal my husband actually encourages me to go out and buy clothing. I am slowly getting past it, but sometimes I still feel tense buying thing.
I feel similar about my current job. I have worked many bad jobs in the past. These were jobs where I worked really hard my whole shift, but was not well paid. The job I work at now requires much more technically knowledge, but I also have periods of downtime. I get paid reasonably well but I sometimes feel like I do not deserve the pay because I am not working hard the whole day like some of my previous jobs. I get very good performance reviews and I am sure my boss would tell me I do deserve my pay. Yet the vague guilt still lingers.

 

[NolaGal]

Thanks Luke! It really does help to have someone else say it ;-)

Kathy, like you I also think the fact that my work feels "too easy" a lot of the time is part of my "deserving" problem. Why should a costume that takes me two days to make and is rather enjoyable (when I'm not torturing myself with perfectionism!) bring me more money than I used to make in a week of boredom or frustration at some of my old jobs? It doesn't seem fair sometimes. I look at other artists and designers, though, and I have no problem with them making lots more than me (because in my mind they're more talented or deserving somehow, I guess.) I think part of it is that we're SO programmed that we have to WORK HARD to get ahead in life. Society often equates working hard with being miserable at your job, and I don't think that's true. It's still back there in my mind, though...