I just posted a thread titled "Doubts", but what I was holding back, even from myself, was how much I was suffering due to humiliation/regret about not being able to finish a scan yesterday, because I "couldn't" like on my back for more than five minutes. Because I am terrified of back going "out" again. I tried so hard to relax (isn't that ironic? trying hard to relax) and got through five minutes, but could not do the other ten minutes. What made it worse was that the medical staff played bad cop to try to get me to stay in the machine so they could finish the scan. I know it is part of the job sometimes...persuading patients...but there was so little understanding. They were freaked out by my anxiety even though I had admitted to it up front and said not to worry if I cried, I was just releasing tension caused by fear and anxiety, and it was helpful to me, but they tightened and hardened against my response and now I can see I tightened and hardened against their response. As I write this the pain is going away, confirming my suspicion that that buried emotion caused pain: TMS! Hurray. Now comes the relaxation, feeling of sleepiness and letting go, acceptance, and the tightness in body and thought start to release. Now comes flow. I so ardently want to stay in flow and not run away with my anxious thoughts, to stay in my body and not be in my head so much. What a long journey this is. How hard it is to practise without wanting quick results. Thanks, everyone, for being on the path with me. It does help to know others are there, even while I fear "engaging" too much...because I risk getting worked up when I engage! So if anyone responds and I don't "answer", please know that it's just because I am trying to be kind to my mindbody and not overdo. Namaste.
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Alan has completed the new Pain Recovery Program. To read or share it, use this updated link: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/painrecovery/
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- Thread starter OnTheRoad
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Andy Bayliss
TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle
This seems like a wonderful attuning to the reality of your experience --acceptance and understanding, partly that it is TMS, yes, but also of your suffering around this experience with the scan. I think this is a powerful practice in TMS work.
Thanks, Andy. I have learned a lot from Neil Pearson's "Life is Now" program...full of mindful breathing exercises and body scan tapes/vids.
JanAtheCPA
Beloved Grand Eagle
Awesome description of your experience with the scan.
And these are the only scans you'll be wanting to do (or need to do) from now on, right?
Thanks, Jan. I don't really believe there is anything structurally "wrong" that is causing my pain, despite spinal stenosis, a mild scoliosis and a spondylisthesis. Because none of these caused much pain before. I kept cancelling the scan, actually, but finally went mostly, I think, to challenge myself, see if I could lie on my back in the machine for fifteen minutes! So no wonder I was "dis-couraged" when I couldn't. I am not yet "there". I do not yet believe 100%, am maybe 80 to 90% of the way there. But I most certainly believe that mind and body are pretty much one thing, and that the division is false! because I have "made" the pain go away by changing thoughts at times, by releasing emotion at times, by calming my breathing, and with deep relaxation. Part of my wavering also has to do with certain "medical" issues, like low iron...I was attributing feeling shaky to fear, but with iron the shaking has been receding...however, I question, chicken or egg? I identified needing more courage to fight my fear, and was gaining it through yogic ujaii breath and affirming inner talk...so how much does this gaining of "inner steel" have to do with the shaking stopping? I wonder just how much medical recovery is due to placebo effect. Even the medical establishment admits that no one knows.
JanAtheCPA
Beloved Grand Eagle
I believe that in many, if not most cases of TMS, it could be either, or both. That's because our brains are perfectly capable of taking a small symptom and making it into a big one. Or taking a small weakness in our bodies (such as low iron) and creating a scary symptom.
Treating the symptom with something traditional, like a supplement or some physio, will often have an effect, and adding iron to your diet is certainly going to increase your iron levels. But it's been shown in the case of many physical treatments (such as chiro and acupuncture) that the placebo effect is very powerful - and doesn't last. And the same is true of supplements and pain relievers - they work for a while, until they don't.
Now, I don't want to downplay the placebo effect! I personally believe in the power of the placebo effect, and I use it myself, all the time. Whenever I take Vitamin C because everyone around me seems to be sick (like right now - chest colds and stomach bugs abound!) I am visualizing a protective force boosting my immune system. It's a tool to focus my brain into putting more effort into my own resources to keep the bugs at bay. And mostly it works. In the last five years, I've had exactly one bout with a bug - I managed to get that horrible head cold that was making the rounds last spring. For a number of days I assumed it was my old seasonal allergies, so I guess I was focusing my attention on the wrong thing, LOL.
The thing is, none of this is black and white. Sure, you had clinically low iron - and if it was more than borderline low, you absolutely should do something about it. A balanced diet definitely goes hand-in-hand with feeling normal. But, having had my own "shaky legs" symptoms back in 2011, which were 100% TMS (never came back) I have no doubt that any slight amount of shakiness that might have resulted from low iron could be exploited and exacerbated by your tricky negative brain into a full-blown TMS symptom! It's all connected.
~Jan