I just posted a thread titled "Doubts", but what I was holding back, even from myself, was how much I was suffering due to humiliation/regret about not being able to finish a scan yesterday, because I "couldn't" like on my back for more than five minutes. Because I am terrified of back going "out" again. I tried so hard to relax (isn't that ironic? trying hard to relax) and got through five minutes, but could not do the other ten minutes. What made it worse was that the medical staff played bad cop to try to get me to stay in the machine so they could finish the scan. I know it is part of the job sometimes...persuading patients...but there was so little understanding. They were freaked out by my anxiety even though I had admitted to it up front and said not to worry if I cried, I was just releasing tension caused by fear and anxiety, and it was helpful to me, but they tightened and hardened against my response and now I can see I tightened and hardened against their response. As I write this the pain is going away, confirming my suspicion that that buried emotion caused pain: TMS! Hurray. Now comes the relaxation, feeling of sleepiness and letting go, acceptance, and the tightness in body and thought start to release. Now comes flow. I so ardently want to stay in flow and not run away with my anxious thoughts, to stay in my body and not be in my head so much. What a long journey this is. How hard it is to practise without wanting quick results. Thanks, everyone, for being on the path with me. It does help to know others are there, even while I fear "engaging" too much...because I risk getting worked up when I engage! So if anyone responds and I don't "answer", please know that it's just because I am trying to be kind to my mindbody and not overdo. Namaste.