Embarrassed of my symptoms

[Diana-M]

Figuring out that self-consciousness and embarrassment are a big aspect of my TMS. I’m embarrassed to let my grown kids see how weak I am (can’t walk well due to symptoms.) I’m embarrassed to let friends see me. I’m embarrassed to let neighbors see me. I’m even embarrassed around my husband. Because it is really worrying him.

I know this can’t be good. I am zeroing in on how I need to be perfect. Including I can’t age. Because that will scare the people I love. And they will feel their mortality, and mine. I’m too young to walk this old. I know that’s what they’re thinking. And it’s hard to explain it’s TMS. They don't believe it. So my family is in this limbo— waiting for the PT to “fix” me. Meanwhile, I’m working on my TMS. And who knows how long it will take.

When I wake up in the morning I just started saying to myself, “I love myself the way I am. Any way I am, for as long as I am.” This is an improvement over hating myself for it or having a pity party. But it’s not really down to the soul level yet. I’m just saying it.

looking for peace.

 

[nora97]

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this - it seems really difficult. I don't know your situation, but I can imagine having the pressure from others to fix your TMS physically is exacerbating your danger signals. I wonder if there is any way you can encourage family/friends to learn about TMS in a relevant way for them. I find it really hard to tell people about TMS by saying things like "I cured my chronic back pain with mindfulness" or "pain is actually caused from your brain", because even though the statements are true, it can sound "woo-woo". I wonder if there is another way, like sending your family this 1 paragraph from Jimmy Kimmel stating he cured his back pain from Dr. Sarno's book (https://www.wsj.com/articles/jimmy-kimmel-live-oscars-host-b46456d4). And then following up with the sentiment that you are going to do the same, and you believe the more support you get, the faster you'll heal. Again, I don't know the detail of your relationships, so modify as needed, but I think it is really difficult to heal with the people around you not bought in. They don't have to be so involved, but they need to support your work/journey and not discredit it. From what you've written, it sounds to me like you are afraid of exile, afraid of being abandoned by those you love. Which is strengthening your fear, feelings of danger and ultimately pain signals. I am glad you are at least able to affirm yourself and try to say words of encouragement.

And, if your family/friends do not support you / don't believe in your fight with TMS, perhaps it can be used as fuel for your to prove them wrong.

 

[Diana-M]

Hi, @nora97
Thank you for your long answer and thoughtfulness! My husband knows all about TMS and has healed from it several times. Ironic that he’s impatient for me to heal. But that is his journey and I need to let him have it. My grown kids don’t believe in TMS, though I’ve told them about it. They just think I’m nutsy. They are also used to that about me. I think I was just feeling sorry for myself when I wrote this. But I do think I also need to embrace everything about myself and learn to love myself and stop caring what other people think about me, which has been a lifelong problem for me.

 

[Ellen]

Figuring out that self-consciousness and embarrassment are a big aspect of my TMS. I’m embarrassed to let my grown kids see how weak I am (can’t walk well due to symptoms.) I’m embarrassed to let friends see me. I’m embarrassed to let neighbors see me. I’m even embarrassed around my husband. Because it is really worrying him.

I'm thinking that if you drill down a little more on the embarrassment and where it comes from, it will reveal a fear of being rejected, which is related to a deep existential fear of being alone and uncared for. I've had a realization recently as I deal with aging, that these kind of thoughts are related to the deep existential fear we developed as children, that if we are unloved we won't be taken care of and won't survive. This deep fear is re-activated with aging and disability. Who will want to take care of me when I am too old and infirm to care for myself? Do I have any worth because of who I am and not just what I can do? It's all very fear inducing. I guess all we can do is find ways to comfort and soothe ourselves.

I think your affirmation is good. Maybe add something like "I am worthy of love any way I am" to include being worthy of love from others as well as from yourself.

 

[Diana-M]

I'm thinking that if you drill down a little more on the embarrassment and where it comes from, it will reveal a fear of being rejected, which is related to a deep existential fear of being alone and uncared for. I've had a realization recently as I deal with aging, that these kind of thoughts are related to the deep existential fear we developed as children, that if we are unloved we won't be taken care of and won't survive. This deep fear is re-activated with aging and disability. Who will want to take care of me when I am too old and infirm to care for myself? Do I have any worth because of who I am and not just what I can do? It's all very fear inducing. I guess all we can do is find ways to comfort and soothe ourselves.

I think your affirmation is good. Maybe add something like "I am worthy of love any way I am" to include being worthy of love from others as well as from yourself.

@Ellen
Thank you! Your thoughts are exactly what I think about these days. Aging worries. Who will care for me? You are so right! It does make sense the existential fears from childhood are reactivated. I also have the hardest time accepting help of any kind. I want to take care of myself. This is also an issue from childhood. All of this is a chance to grow. But for now, I’m in the thick of it.

 

[Booble]

Figuring out that self-consciousness and embarrassment are a big aspect of my TMS. I’m embarrassed to let my grown kids see how weak I am (can’t walk well due to symptoms.) I’m embarrassed to let friends see me. I’m embarrassed to let neighbors see me. I’m even embarrassed around my husband. Because it is really worrying him.

I know this can’t be good. I am zeroing in on how I need to be perfect. Including I can’t age. Because that will scare the people I love. And they will feel their mortality, and mine. I’m too young to walk this old. I know that’s what they’re thinking. And it’s hard to explain it’s TMS. They don't believe it. So my family is in this limbo— waiting for the PT to “fix” me. Meanwhile, I’m working on my TMS. And who knows how long it will take.

When I wake up in the morning I just started saying to myself, “I love myself the way I am. Any way I am, for as long as I am.” This is an improvement over hating myself for it or having a pity party. But it’s not really down to the soul level yet. I’m just saying it.

looking for peace.

Same here on the embarrassment. And that showing that I'm not perfect.
Have you 5-Why'd it?

"I can't go to the mall."
Why?
"I can't go out to the mall because if I do I might fall down."
Why does it matter if you fall down?
"Because if I fall down I'll be embarrassed."
Why will you be embarrassed if you fall down?
"Because it will draw attention to me?"
Why would that be bad if it drew attention to you?
"Because I would be seen as not perfect."
Why would that be bad to be seen as not perfect?
Drum roll please......
"Because my mother would be mad at me if I did something not perfect."

But wait, there's more......

Why would your mother be mad if you weren't perfect?
"Because she was a bitch?"
Why was she bitch?
"Because she wanted people to do things her way?"
Why did she want to do things her way?
"Because she thought it would help people to do things her way.............................


It's interesting how having to be perfect feels so important.
I think my health anxiety is from having to be perfect too.
If I get sick and/or die, I'm not being perfect.

That's where I like the Sarno part about recognizing the hidden emotions AND THEN GOING OUT AND LIVING.
When we are in the state of symptoms, we feel like we can't go out and live -- but why not?
Just go.
As Cactus reminds us. We're OK "right now."

 

[Diana-M]

Love this! Your 5 whys are almost the same as mine. But it was my Dad. I’m going to do some mega writing about this. And yes, get out and live. Because we are OK now!

 

[Booble]

as I deal with aging, that these kind of thoughts are related to the deep existential fear we developed as children, that if we are unloved we won't be taken care of and won't survive. This deep fear is re-activated with aging and disability.

I remember when my Dad was diagnosed with terminal illness, I kept thinking "I'm not ready to live in a world without him in it." In fact I couldn't imagine a world actually existing that he was not in. It didn't seem possible. And that was me as a grown more-than-middle-aged, self sufficient person. I really had wished that our culture better prepared us for that eventuality.

 

[Booble]

@Ellen
I also have the hardest time accepting help of any kind. I want to take care of myself. This is also an issue from childhood. All of this is a chance to grow. But for now, I’m in the thick of it.

This got me thinking about how when I was in the hospital years ago (needed to remove some girl parts) I found it surprisingly soothing to have the lovely nurses, angels on earth, taking care of me. What a lovely relief to not have to be relying on myself, which is my typical modus operandi.

 

[Diana-M]

I remember when my Dad was diagnosed with terminal illness, I kept thinking "I'm not ready to live in a world without him in it." In fact I couldn't imagine a world actually existing that he was not in. It didn't seem possible. And that was me as a grown more-than-middle-aged, self sufficient person. I really had wished that our culture better prepared us for that eventuality.

It is definitely a weird feeling when you lose your parents and you’re on the front line, so to speak. I lost my Mom when I was 28 and my Dad at 40.

 

[Booble]

It is definitely a weird feeling when you lose your parents and you’re on the front line, so to speak. I lost my Mom when I was 28 and my Dad at 40.

Oh wow, you lost them young. I know what you mean about the being on the "front line." I definitely felt that like a ton of bricks. Like you move into that position.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

I lost my Mom when I was 28 and my Dad at 40.

Damn, @Diana-M, all this time, and I missed this info about your past. That's a heavy blow to the mortality burden we humans are forced to carry around. I was 30 when we lost my cherished father, and that was hard enough (mom lived a good life to 93). At the time, I felt like half of my roots were ripped away, far too soon.

Once again, my dear, you have started quite a wonderful discussion, even if it came from a momentary place of self-pity (and don't we all have those!) I've read every post with pleasure and awe.

 

[Diana-M]

Damn, @Diana-M, all this time, and I missed this info about your past. That's a heavy blow to the mortality burden we humans are forced to carry around. I was 30 when we lost my cherished father, and that was hard enough (mom lived a good life to 93). At the time, I felt like half of my roots were ripped away, far too soon.

Once again, my dear, you have started quite a wonderful discussion, even if it came from a momentary place of self-pity (and don't we all have those!) I've read every post with pleasure and awe.

Jan, I’m sorry you lost your Dad at 30. It really is destabilizing. And there’s so many life events you really miss having them with you.

Don’t worry about missing this info about me. I’ve never shared it before now on the wiki. I don’t usually talk about it much, in any scenario. But you guys seem to be bringing me out of my shell. There is a great power in being part of a healing community. And this is a special place. I have been so grateful to be welcomed with such open arms.