Doing the emotional work but feel totally out of control and lost

[Patty Cakes]

On this site for about a month or so now. I guess I just am having a lot of difficulty with opening up some of these old wounds. Today my pain is being felt on both sides of my body. Typically before I did the pain rep processing what would happen is my pain would jump from side to side or a different places in my body. Since doing all of this heavy duty emotional work, I'm finding that I can feel it on both sides of my body. I'm trying to go about my day, doing the things I have to do every day. Yet the pain persist. I almost feel as though I'm not in charge of my body Anymore. I don't know if anyone feels that way when they start looking at all these old wounds. It just feels like the pain is increasing. I feel like somebody else is pulling the strings of my body and it's not me. My mind that I can hear is pretty silent, which is quite new for me. But it just doesn't feel like I'm in charge of my own body anymore. Sometimes I don't even know who I am. It's a really really scary feeling I feel like I'm a puppet on a string and somebody else in the background is pulling the strings and I totally feel out of control. Can anybody share with me if they've gone through this when they started opening up all the past. Sometimes I feel like I'm just losing my total self and it feels very frightening. And in all comments are welcomed. Thank you

 

[Patty Cakes]

Sitting here just crying my eyes out. I don't even understand why.

 

[Cactusflower]

@Patty Cakes
You don't need to know why you want to cry. Just do it, feel it. "Sometimes I feel like I'm just losing my total self and it feels very frightening". A TMS professional once told me that when it feels like you are falling apart, you are actually falling together.
The process of identifying all the ways and things we used to used as coping mechanisms and that we begin to say "no" to, leaves us feeling very vulnerable. The emotions are now there for you to deal with, right in front of you. It's hard, but you are doing it. Be with the hard days. Don't worry about feeling the physical sensations of the pain, work towards allowing the emotions, the pain and doing exactly what you are doing, trying to get through the day.
If you have not already tried reading "Hope and Help for your Nerves" (or any other book) but Claire Weeks, you might give her a try. Her books are small and chock full of methods and assurance that the things you are going through are OK. That you will be OK. She teaches concrete techniques of what to "do" - even though there isn't much doing, it's more assurance and suggestions of where to place your attention and how to shift your mindset while allowing yourself to go through this phase of life.
I was there, it was incredibly challenging, but I'm not there anymore and you won't be stuck in this place forever either.

 

[Ellen]

Sorry for what you are going through. It's hard, but the only way out is through. Sarno talks about the rage/soothe ratio. It's important to include some soothing activities into your day. Things that are calming and things that you do just for fun. Activities that take you out of yourself and that you get lost in. Maybe it's art or music, or playing with a pet, spending time in nature......something that feeds the soul and helps you appreciate being alive. Life is not all pain and difficult emotions. Hang in there.

 

[Patty Cakes]

@Patty Cakes
You don't need to know why you want to cry. Just do it, feel it. "Sometimes I feel like I'm just losing my total self and it feels very frightening". A TMS professional once told me that when it feels like you are falling apart, you are actually falling together.
The process of identifying all the ways and things we used to used as coping mechanisms and that we begin to say "no" to, leaves us feeling very vulnerable. The emotions are now there for you to deal with, right in front of you. It's hard, but you are doing it. Be with the hard days. Don't worry about feeling the physical sensations of the pain, work towards allowing the emotions, the pain and doing exactly what you are doing, trying to get through the day.
If you have not already tried reading "Hope and Help for your Nerves" (or any other book) but Claire Weeks, you might give her a try. Her books are small and chock full of methods and assurance that the things you are going through are OK. That you will be OK. She teaches concrete techniques of what to "do" - even though there isn't much doing, it's more assurance and suggestions of where to place your attention and how to shift your mindset while allowing yourself to go through this phase of life.
I was there, it was incredibly challenging, but I'm not there anymore and you won't be stuck in this place forever either.

Thank u very much for ur kind words. I just went and ordered the book you suggested. It feels good to hear that you were there as well and that you were able to not get stuck in it. This is the hardest work I've ever done. It's nice to know that when you are falling apart, you are actually falling together. Despite the awful pain, I feel like the pieces are slowly coming together, as difficult as that is right now.

 

[Patty Cakes]

Sorry for what you are going through. It's hard, but the only way out is through. Sarno talks about the rage/soothe ratio. It's important to include some soothing activities into your day. Things that are calming and things that you do just for fun. Activities that take you out of yourself and that you get lost in. Maybe it's art or music, or playing with a pet, spending time in nature......something that feeds the soul and helps you appreciate being alive. Life is not all pain and difficult emotions. Hang in there.

Thank you. I love rocks and have collected them throughout the years. I love the strength of rocks and trees. I recently ordered myself a rock polishing kit and hoping to smooth out some beautiful rocks and then maybe create some sort of art with them. I used to love to listen to music and haven't done so in a long time. Tomorrow I'll put some of my favorite music.on. Thanks for all the suggestions. I realized when I'm in pain that's all I tend to think about.

 

[BloodMoon]

Hi @Patty Cakes,

During my recovery, as we say over here in my country, I cried so much I could have cried for England (and won a gold medal!).

We can have an ingrained resistance to crying; we don't want to do it and we can be afraid of it which can create inner tension because we want to feel in control at all times, but as @Cactusflower says, let go and let the tears flow; it really doesn't matter whether you know or not what they are actually about. They are pent-up emotions, and letting them out is all about flushing through and creating a new pathway—better out than kept in.

I also agree with @Ellen about self-soothing. I use a lot of the ideas in this book (the simplicity of the techniques and the cute illustrations belie how profoundly calming they are to the brain and nervous system): 101 Ways to Find Calm by Rebekah Ballagh. From my experience, it's really helpful to get a balance in mind-body work between a "top-down" approach (the emotional processing you've been doing) and a "bottom-up" approach like in the book.

 

[Patty Cakes]

Hi @Patty Cakes,

During my recovery, as we say over here in my country, I cried so much I could have cried for England (and won a gold medal!).

We can have an ingrained resistance to crying; we don't want to do it and we can be afraid of it which can create inner tension because we want to feel in control at all times, but as @Cactusflower says, let go and let the tears flow; it really doesn't matter whether you know or not what they are actually about. They are pent-up emotions, and letting them out is all about flushing through and creating a new pathway—better out than kept in.

I also agree with @Ellen about self-soothing. I use a lot of the ideas in this book (the simplicity of the techniques and the cute illustrations belie how profoundly calming they are to the brain and nervous system): 101 Ways to Find Calm by Rebekah Ballagh. From my experience, it's really helpful to get a balance in mind-body work between a "top-down" approach (the emotional processing you've been doing) and a "bottom-up" approach like in the book.

Thank you so much. I have shed some tears today not really knowing why but I guess that's OK. I did go and order that book that you suggested along with the other one that the other eagle had suggested. Right now with all pain that I'm going through I'm not doing pain processing. I've uncovered a lot over the past couple of weeks and I and I still think I'm processing all of that still, thus all the pain. i'm very grateful for all you eagle who are there to help people like myself. I never knew how difficult this whole entire process is. The pain was bad before and unfortunately it's been even worse now since I've uncovered all of the stuff. So I'm just gonna take it slow. Let the tears flow, read the books that you recommended and just take it take it day by day. Thanks again I appreciate all of your responses. It doesn't make me feel so alone.

 

[HealingMe]

Hi Patty Cakes,

I felt out of control and "crazy" last week. The only way out is to let it be. Your trust for your body and heart will grow and grow. Your worst fears are just fears, you must remind yourself. Think of your brain as a little child throwing a tantrum because the feelings are so unfamiliar or foreign. Well, of course it will ring all the alarm bells! With time, you'll learn it gets easier and easier. Like riding a bike -- we don't hop on and go, we fall a few times but we get back up.

Leaving you with a quote I have taped up on my bathroom wall from Dr. Claire Weekes.

 

[Patty Cakes]

Hi Patty Cakes,

I felt out of control and "crazy" last week. The only way out is to let it be. Your trust for your body and heart will grow and grow. Your worst fears are just fears, you must remind yourself. Think of your brain as a little child throwing a tantrum because the feelings are so unfamiliar or foreign. Well, of course it will ring all the alarm bells! With time, you'll learn it gets easier and easier. Like riding a bike -- we don't hop on and go, we fall a few times but we get back up.

Leaving you with a quote I have taped up on my bathroom wall from Dr. Claire

It really struck me about the line that says they depend on you to dislike them, which stimulates the chemicals to activate them. I think that's where I am stuck. I dislike this pain so much and I keep fueling that fire. I guess I just have to keep doing the work, so I can stop fueling that damn fire. Thanks so much for your kind words.

 

[Patty Cakes]

I have one more quick question. Typically I get bad pain that goes down the right side of my body. The pain can move to the other side at times and I can feel it in my neck and shoulders. The right side is the side I have TMJ. I'm wondering if I use the word heavy to describe what I'm feeling versus pain, if that would change the way that I view it. I'm realizing the pain has been caused by all the frustration that I've had to deal with a very difficult husband for all these decades. I'm realizing that I'm not gonna take on all of his heaviness anymore.

 

[Cactusflower]

Love that you are moving away from focusing, talking about and naming or describing the physical symptoms and focusing on your emotional world. Recognizing that you can stop your reactions to the heaviness is stepping out of the victim roll you may have never realized all that unexpressed frustration can create. It's hard for many of us to recognize that loving someone and being angry at them can co-exist and that it's not shameful to feel that way at all. We can have layers of feelings and emotions - they make us human.

 

[BloodMoon]

I have one more quick question. Typically I get bad pain that goes down the right side of my body. The pain can move to the other side at times and I can feel it in my neck and shoulders. The right side is the side I have TMJ. I'm wondering if I use the word heavy to describe what I'm feeling versus pain, if that would change the way that I view it. I'm realizing the pain has been caused by all the frustration that I've had to deal with a very difficult husband for all these decades. I'm realizing that I'm not gonna take on all of his heaviness anymore.

What a profound realization!

Yes, swapping the word 'pain' for 'heavy' can completely change how your brain reacts. The word 'pain' sounds like an emergency to the brain. The word 'heavy' describes a physical sensation without the panic.

Also, this is an incredible way to use grounding and anchoring!

Shifting from danger to sensation: When we label a feeling as 'pain,' our nervous system views it as a threat and goes into or keeps us in fight-or-flight mode. By consciously using the word 'heavy,' you are creating a somatic anchor. You are telling your brain: 'This is just a heavy sensation, not a danger.'

Anchoring in the present: You can use this weight as a physical reminder to ground yourself. When the right side feels heavy, instead of fighting it, use it as a cue to plant your feet firmly on the floor, lengthen your out breaths and tell yourself, 'This is the heavy emotional energy I am choosing to let go of right now.'

Setting the boundary: Letting that 'heaviness' slide down to the ground next to you—rather than carrying it in your neck, shoulders, and TMJ—anchors you in your own strength, separate from your husband’s behaviour.

You are essentially rewriting your brain's alarm system.

 

[Patty Cakes]

What a profound realization!

Yes, swapping the word 'pain' for 'heavy' can completely change how your brain reacts. The word 'pain' sounds like an emergency to the brain. The word 'heavy' describes a physical sensation without the panic.

Also, this is an incredible way to use grounding and anchoring!

Shifting from danger to sensation: When we label a feeling as 'pain,' our nervous system views it as a threat and goes into or keeps us in fight-or-flight mode. By consciously using the word 'heavy,' you are creating a somatic anchor. You are telling your brain: 'This is just a heavy sensation, not a danger.'

Anchoring in the present: You can use this weight as a physical reminder to ground yourself. When the right side feels heavy, instead of fighting it, use it as a cue to plant your feet firmly on the floor, lengthen your out breaths and tell yourself, 'This is the heavy emotional energy I am choosing to let go of right now.'

Setting the boundary: Letting that 'heaviness' slide down to the ground next to you—rather than carrying it in your neck, shoulders, and TMJ—anchors you in your own strength, separate from your husband’s behaviour.

You are essentially rewriting your brain's alarm system.

Thank you so much for all those suggestions and ways to keep myself grounded and anchored. When my right side head hurt, instead of saying my head was in pain, I told myself it was just a sensation and that did begin to help. Thanks again!

 

[Patty Cakes]

Yesterday my husband came home from the rehab that he's been in for about nine months now. He has a a lot of medical issues. The day prior to that I continued looking at my emotions instead of my pain and voicing them. Some of my emotions bordered on hatred, deep frustration, not so nice emotions. When I picked him up yesterday at the rehab, I noticed that my pain wasn't flaring as much as it normally does. I was told that it was because I had voiced those deep emotions out loud, that I never expressed before. Then last night when all the dust had settled, I started having a lot of mid back pain. That's a little bit unusual for me and it has been popping up when I'm doing all of this deep emotional work and looking at all these powerful emotions. I'm just wondering if this is what is supposed to happen when I begin to acknowledge all the deep emotions that I was feeling but couldn't voice before because who wants to say that they hate someone and how they behave. I know that's a terrible emotion to have but I have felt that many times with him. Do I continue to be able to look at those awful emotions honestly? he is 70 years old, not well and to say that I almost have a hatred of him and everything he's put me through feels a little bit wrong but it truly is the way I feel.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

Yesterday my husband came home from the rehab that he's been in for about nine months now. He has a a lot of medical issues. The day prior to that I continued looking at my emotions instead of my pain and voicing them. Some of my emotions bordered on hatred, deep frustration, not so nice emotions. When I picked him up yesterday at the rehab, I noticed that my pain wasn't flaring as much as it normally does. I was told that it was because I had voiced those deep emotions out loud, that I never expressed before. Then last night when all the dust had settled, I started having a lot of mid back pain. That's a little bit unusual for me and it has been popping up when I'm doing all of this deep emotional work and looking at all these powerful emotions. I'm just wondering if this is what is supposed to happen when I begin to acknowledge all the deep emotions that I was feeling but couldn't voice before because who wants to say that they hate someone and how they behave. I know that's a terrible emotion to have but I have felt that many times with him. Do I continue to be able to look at those awful emotions honestly? he is 70 years old, not well and to say that I almost have a hatred of him and everything he's put me through feels a little bit wrong but it truly is the way I feel.

It's not wrong if that's how you feel - don't judge your feelings/emotions, they are your private, internal experiences and in no way reflect on you as a person (they are what they are) - actions are another story, but to judge yourself on the level of feelings and emotions is way too unfair.

 

[Patty Cakes]

It's not wrong if that's how you feel - don't judge your feelings/emotions, they are your private, internal experiences and in no way reflect on you as a person (they are what they are) - actions are another story, but to judge yourself on the level of feelings and emotions is way too unfair.

Thank you for that. I'm doing the best I can after he got out of rehab but I have a lot of resentment. I am a kind, compassionate person who at times, by him, been pushed to my limit. I don't want to be his caretaker. What I am changing is setting my boundaries and that's been helping somewhat. Examining and voicing these emotions felt good in one way but bad in another way.

 

[BloodMoon]

@Patty Cakes I read your post and just wanted to share something that might help reframe what you're going through.

Dr. Gabor Maté famously notes that the attempt to escape from our authentic self is the root of trauma and chronic illness. Healing requires us to return to what is real inside us, no matter how uncomfortable it is.

Similarly, Dr. John Sarno’s core principle was essentially that the body expresses what the mind refuses to feel. We often feel one thing about someone or something, but at the same time, our "goodist" tendencies kick in because we don't want to be the bad guy.

Personally, I don't believe it is helpful to constantly revisit, dig up, or journal endlessly about old traumas—doing that often just means we end up reliving them over and over. However, it is absolutely essential to our wellbeing to be honest and authentic with ourselves about how we feel right now (which you are doing!).

If you are looking for a way to express current feelings without getting stuck in them, I find writing unsent letters really facilitates that. You could do this regarding how you feel about what your husband has put you through. Write it purely for yourself, making sure he will never see it. Get all the raw, unfiltered anger out on paper, and then immediately shred, burn, or otherwise destroy it. It’s a safe way to let your brain know it's allowed to feel these things without any real-world fallout. Sending you strength!

 

[Cactusflower]

Patty Cakes, it's OK to have two or several emotions at once, and it's perfectly OK to have emotions that represent two ends of the spectrum. I love that you have fully admitted that you don't want to be his caretaker.

Nichole Sachs (TMS therapist/author) has a story about feeling two emotions, especially toward someone vulnerable. She was disliking a family member intensely because they trigger her people pleasing and goodism and were very judgy to her (and that triggered self-judgement). When having to face that person, it struck her that she also felt some famillial love, some connection and at the same time was angry - and that it was totally fine to have the two emotions together. The same thing happened when she wrote her first journal entry that she both hated and loved her children at the same time. She knew she didn't really hate the children - she hated some parts of her live surrounding them: the isolation when they were small, the feeling of overwhelming responsibility, a changing relationship with her spouse, a change in her identity etc. The lack of control, the unknown etc.
What your deep inner psyche feels is probably not what your rational adult mind feels and that creates a little internal tug. It's perfectly normal.

 

[Patty Cakes]

@Patty Cakes I read your post and just wanted to share something that might help reframe what you're going through.

Dr. Gabor Maté famously notes that the attempt to escape from our authentic self is the root of trauma and chronic illness. Healing requires us to return to what is real inside us, no matter how uncomfortable it is.

Similarly, Dr. John Sarno’s core principle was essentially that the body expresses what the mind refuses to feel. We often feel one thing about someone or something, but at the same time, our "goodist" tendencies kick in because we don't want to be the bad guy.

Personally, I don't believe it is helpful to constantly revisit, dig up, or journal endlessly about old traumas—doing that often just means we end up reliving them over and over. However, it is absolutely essential to our wellbeing to be honest and authentic with ourselves about how we feel right now (which you are doing!).

If you are looking for a way to express current feelings without getting stuck in them, I find writing unsent letters really facilitates that. You could do this regarding how you feel about what your husband has put you through. Write it purely for yourself, making sure he will never see it. Get all the raw, unfiltered anger out on paper, and then immediately shred, burn, or otherwise destroy it. It’s a safe way to let your brain know it's allowed to feel these things without any real-world fallout. Sending you strength!

Thank you so much for your kind words. I do love to journal. I haven't done it too much only because of all the pain that I'm in. But I will start to journal again and that was a great suggestion to put it down on paper and just burn it, let it go. So thankful for all you Eagles and coaches and all of your wonderful insight.