Day ONE

[AnnaSchweitzer]

I am starting day one of the SEP. I'm scared and doubtful. I have known about TMS for 5 years or so and have tried to apply truth and techniques but have still been scared and not 100% acceptance about TMS. I struggle with chronic foot pain and in the past 1 1/2 years chronic yeast infections. I am right on the edge of full acceptance b/c I have a obsessive personality type, always worrying about something, self denial, guilty, put a ton of pressure on myself, people pleaser, perfectionist. SO I completely see that I have a very angry inner child. But I have a difficult time with self compassion, and my inner bully is awful. Always telling me I'm not good enough, I'll never conquer pain, I'm not doing it perfect. etc. I had a GREAT phone conversation with Andy B (thanks so much ANDY and he helped me realize I need to disengage the inner bully and develop self compassion. But I also feel so ALONE in this journey. No one I know has chronic pain so I feel lost with friends some times. I am excited for this support forum to lean on and be an encourager too also.
Life without chronic pain means more enjoyment with my kids and husband. But also realzing life isn't perfect and doesn't go in my plan. I am a controller. I want things to go my way and when they don't i'm upset. I play everything out and am constantly either living in the past or the future. I want to work on living more in the present. Mindfulness. It's overwhelming sometimes to think of all the things I want to change about myself. But here we go!

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Anna. I'm so glad you have become a member of the TMS community and started the SEProgram.

You do sound like a "perfect storm" example of someone who gets TMS... chronic pain, a worrier, feelings of guilt, people pleaser, perfectionist. Many who have TMS have the same personality traits. The SEP helps us to recognize them and, at least to me, learn to modify them.

Try not to be either scared of TMS or the SEP and believe they are going to make you a healthier, happier person. It's takes believing 100 percent. If you can't do that today, believe it will happen while you're in the SEP.

I'm also glad that you had a phone conversation with Andy. His advice is good... to develop self-compassion. You are among friends here in the TMS forums and we help each other. I am 85 and healed from severe back pain after learning about TMS, and the SEprogram helped me to discover I was repressing feelings of anger and insecurity when my parents divorced when I was seven. Journaling helped me to realize they had TMS too, and that led me to forgiving them, which ended my back pain.

You are a busy woman... wife and mother. Try to find some time for yourself, to relax and meditate. I find lots of great videos on Youtube for relaxation and meditation. Deep breathing is one of my favorite relaxation techniques. And also laughing. I often laugh at myself or at life.

Live in the present, not the past or future, but tell yourself you are already on the way to healing and being a healthier and happier person than you eveer thought possible. It will happen.

Playing with your child will keep you in the present moment. Cherish those times together because they pass before we know it.

 

[AnnaSchweitzer]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply Walt. It's so encouraging to hear other healing from the knowledge of TMS. SOmetimes I just feel like SUCH A MESS of emotions I don't even know where to start. I feel hopeless a bit with my emotions. But the good side is even just on day 2 of the program I CAN SEE MYSELF IN EVERY STORY! Now just getting up the courage to accept TMS and accept that I can TOO be pain free. Thanks again for your support!

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Welcome to Day 1 of the SEP and to the forum, Anna!

I saw your question about changing your forum name (so you can keep your posts) and I'm trying to contact Forest for another name change, so I'll add your name to the request. Stay posted, and keep posting!

~Jan

 

[AnnaSchweitzer]

Welcome to Day 1 of the SEP and to the forum, Anna!

I saw your question about changing your forum name (so you can keep your posts) and I'm trying to contact Forest for another name change, so I'll add your name to the request. Stay posted, and keep posting!

~Jan

Thank you Jan!!

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Anna,

You are welcome for the phone connection. I enjoyed it.

I am glad you are starting the SEP. I can't add much to what Walt and Jan have said. When I spoke with you, you really enjoyed the self-compassion part! You can do this work, I am sure. No need to worry, or push yourself, or do it perfectly. You are taking action, based on the good doctor's breakthrough understanding.

SO I completely see that I have a very angry inner child.

This understanding about your inner experience is very important. In my opinion you are best to work with this in two ways: Connecting your pain to this activity, as the root cause of the pain, is very powerful. It is the knowledge cure. Second, gently develop ways to work with the Inner Bully that match your personality, so that self-compassion emerges, and you are less at the mercy of the superego. It takes time...and you can do this.

Andy B.