Day 9 SEP

[vanessa]

If compassion doesn't include yourself, it' s incomplete." Buddha. I had to write something on how I criticize myself. I thought, I'll find some fault here and there, but when I wrote it out and saw it on paper, I was rather stunned. I think I started finding fault with myself since a little kid. And those voices are now the dominant ones. So I stopped. I had too, I was in too much physical pain. It was as if my body, said, "One more nasty thing about you, I'm shutting down, "and it did, I couldn't even walk. I was on my back, couldn't move, absolutely gripped in fear that this nerve pain would be non ending. I just looked up, frightened and perplexed. I didn't realize that I have a tyrant that just won't let up, from not making a certain amount of money, to saying something foolish, to not fitting into a teenage size pair of pants. I was then able to walk, after a tons of reading, reflection and agony. But what I learned is that when I had compassion for myself. I automatically felt compassion for others. If I found myself judging another, I immediately tensed up, so seeing as my well being was so interconnected, you immediately stop the behavior. And I have some bad days, but not once did I fault myself or another, for not trying to do their best. I can see TMS as almost a gift, as much as I hate it and don't understand it, it profoundly affected my perception and that physical pain is very much rooted in emotional pain. Vanessa

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Vanessa. You are definitely doing the SEP right, by learning to have more compassion for yourself. Buddha got that right.

TMS knowledge helps us to be kinder to ourselves and that helps us be kinder and more compassionate to others. We realize we're all human and not perfect. And yes, for sure, physical pain is rooted in emotional pain, either repressed emotions or our perfectionist/goodist personality.

 

[Talula]

Thank you for sharing. I'm on Day 9 of this journey. I am my own worst critic. I, too, have that LOUD voice in my head. That one that says I'm not good enough, I'm not important, I'm a fool, I'm not ____ enough, I'll never fit in. I don't know yet how to quiet that voice, or even shut it down completely. But, I'm working on it. I'll find a way. I have to. My pain was letting up then this morning it was back in full force. I know I have a lot more work to do and am committed to do it. I want, and need, to be a healthier person - both inside and out. It's reassuring to know I'm not alone on this journey and can always find someone else on this forum who has or is experiencing the same things.

 

[vanessa]

You are so not alone. I seem to be cycling out of a lot of it, when i do things "movement" that im' afraid of, and when im tensing, I say "i have nothing but love and compassion for myself and ohers" and tell my brain to calm down my nervous system. Or I say, "listen I am dealing with my emotions, enough of this crap." im not in the mood, im going to enjoy my day. The worst thing i can do is get frightened or frustrated. If I do, I just go into the bathroom where it's private and self sooth. And say, "what's going on? Im here, no one is going to hurt or abandon you ever again. I am right her. I love you and I have you're back. And I gently touch my arm. sometimes I cry. I just say you must have kept so much hurt inside, but you can let it out. I act like i am talking to a small child that is having a temper tantrum in my body. I also don't saying shaming things about my body or my personality. I embrace the good and the bad. I embrace everything about myself, and try and start the day with medittion just 10 minutes. This morning i was so tense. And I said, OK, whats wrong. does the day ahead frighten you, are you scared, sad, lonely, angry, what is it? And it's ok, I accept all your moods, but you will not put this pain in my psychical body, I can take it in my emotions, I am ready to deal with all my emotions they can come out of hiding, you are safe. That is how I talk to myself. If I have a resentment towards someone, and I do, big time, I just say, "to treat me so poorly, he must be suffering in his own way." Let me have compassion, tru compassion. And my part, I allowed the relationship to continue way after it should have ended, and that's ok too, i didn't know better, and at the time i loved him very much and thought it would work. I am not going to fault myself for having a big heart. Most tmsers do. They are very "needless and wantless>" I hope this helps. I use practical tools that are simple. but the simple mantras that i keep saying seem to help, and the pain seems to be moving out of my back into my periformis muscles. and sometimes it is gone completely. Like Sarno says, the front brain gets it, the sub- brain it takes a while, but eventually it understands.